''Survivor'': A show about nothing

”Survivor”: A show about nothing

I was just about to start writing my weekly Survivor recap, but you know what? Instead, I think I’ll just stand here and not move for a while. Check it out — I can totally do a spot-on impersonation of Brianna performing in an immunity challenge.

Okay…standing here…not moving…still not moving…I know people are counting on me to do something, but I’m just gonna stand here….

Okay, I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I’m just too hyperactive. Maybe I have a guilt complex about not disappointing my legions of TV Watch readers. (That means you, Mom, Dad, and EW’s Henry Goldblatt.) Actually, to tell the truth, I had to move because I needed a beer. (Too bad I was out of Milwaukee’s Best and have to instead drink some imported top-shelf brand I cannot even pronounce.)

I’ll admit my Brianna impersonation was pretty crappy, but truth be told, doing nothing is hard! It requires a lot of concentration. You see, most people would have lost their focus and been tricked into doing ”something” after being yelled at by all their teammates, but not our girl Brianna. She was in the zone, people! She’s the freakin’ Michael Jordan of doing nothing!

Poor, poor Stephenie. There she was in that brutal immunity challenge — some kind of cross between rugby and basketball — with the game on the line, having to compete on the same team as Lydia and Brianna. ”Do you know what a pick is?” she asked them. [Insert sound of crickets here.] At least Lydia tried, even though she seemed a tad confused by the rules and one time mistakenly ran with the ball — and kept on running even after Jeff Probst told her to stop. (For a second, I thought she might make like Forrest Gump and keep running all the way back to camp.) As for Brianna, perhaps Stephenie put it best in commenting how ”Her head is completely up her butt. I have to literally pull it out.” (Note to Stephenie: I sincerely hope you are not being literal here.)

You know what, we’re talking a hell of a lot about a woman who didn’t do anything, so let’s move on to the Nakúm tribe. What exactly is going on over there? Judd is getting pissed at howler monkeys, the tribe is swimming in crocodile-infested waters, and apparently there is a hot zookeeper on the tribe named Cindy. I swear I’ve never seen this woman before in my life. Maybe that’s because until now, all the footage of Nakúm has consisted of men vomiting and Margaret the nurse saying, ”Here, drink this.” Speaking of Margaret, she needs to seriously chill out if she wants to go far in this game. Being a leader is one thing. Being a micromanager — the way she was with the tarp — is another thing altogether.

We also had our token Manimal sighting of the week, as a triumphant Bobby Jon started jumping around like a lunatic after winning a few blankets in the reward challenge. Even though Danni’s proclamation that she always paints her face before going to Chiefs games sort of disturbed me, I still am feeling the Nakúm tribe a lot more than Yaxhá. And it’s not just because I refuse to root for a former Dallas Cowboy. I also don’t understand why Rafe and Hogeboom insist on eating every minuscule creature known to man. There’s a reason why cheetahs will only run so far to catch food: They know it’s not smart to exert more energy chasing than they will gain by eating. Chowing down on ants and termites is simply not going to get it done. And, to be honest, Brian’s pep talk before the immunity challenge was one of the worst motivational speeches I have ever heard. Suffice it to say, I don’t think Hogeboom was having any Tom Landry flashbacks listening to Brian yell, ”Just do it!” over and over.

I do like Amy, even though I have trouble understanding a single word she says. What a difference a season makes: In Palau, Jeff Wilson rolls his ankle and asks to go home; now Amy hurts hers and she proclaims, ”My ankle would have to be falling off before I would quit.” (I would say, ”You go, girl!” if it didn’t make me sound tremendously lame and very 1997.) She’ll be in trouble, though, if that thing doesn’t heal, and Lydia could be too, especially after being called out by Jeff Probst as not being effective in the immunity challenge. Like I said: poor, poor Stephenie.

What do you think? Did Yaxhá get rid of the right person? Is Stephenie cursed? Will Brandon get eaten by a crocodile?