'The Hills' season finale: Nice day for a trite wedding

Season four of The Hills is finally over, but [insert grumbles and eye rolls] now we know that there’s going to be a FIFTH one. As Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers would say: “Really? Really?” Yeah, as someone whose job requires her to carefully watch and take notes (notes!) on this ridiculous show, I’ve got more reason than most to root for its demise, but what in the world is there left for MTV to focus on, especially considering the network refuses to show the “celebrity” aspect of these girls’ lives? Maybe they’ll just make the entire fifth season about Heidi planning her big, dreamy wedding to Spencer? It would be like the network’s own version of Bridezillas.

Yes, folks, it’s true: Spencer and Heidi did not go through with their supposed marital confirmation at the courtroom last night, and because of that, I’m voting it my Up Hill Moment of the evening (DVR users can save time and brain cells by fast-forwarding to the 35:00 mark). Last week, rumors were spreading faster than Spencer’s facial hair that everything about the entire courtroom scene was faked— from the judge to Heidi’s boobs the actual courthouse itself. Plus, no one could find any record of a marriage license being filed under Pratt or Montag, though Spencer repeatedly insisted to the media that was because he’d checked the “confidential” box when they filed. It seems now, however, that the two haven’t actually been legally married in the U.S.— as they didn’t complete the civil ceremony— and we should probably all send flowers, chocolate, and money to mama Darlene for that. She swooped into town (as any caring mother would) to express her concern and disappointment in Heidi for “eloping” (yes, I’m still putting that word in quotes because I continue to be in denial that the whole Mexican fiesta ever happened). “That’s my choice, mom, and that shouldn’t affect you,” Heidi said in retaliation. “It does affect me,” Darlene replied as she started to tear up. “It affects a lot of people, and a lot of people have been hurt very deeply by this.”

All Heidi could do was look annoyed. I wanted to jump through my TVscreen, give Darlene a Kleenex, and slap Heidi in the face. How couldshe be so surprised that her mom would react this way? (I mean, it’snot like Darlene’s rage wasn’t plastered all over magazine coversor anything.) Later on, Darlene tried to convince Spencer not to gothrough with the courthouse wedding because she knew Heidi wanted areal “fairytale” one. He, of course, sternly disagreed. Cut tothe aforementioned fake city hall scene, where Heidi apparently thoughtshe was greeting royalty (she literally gave the judge a curtsy. Youmust go back and watch it. Genius.) and Stephanie apparently thoughtshe was getting her hair styled (her hair was more frazzled than shewas that day). Heidi got through all of her “I, Heidi, take theeSpencer” (oy, just typing that makes me feel like I’ve sinned) mumbojumbo and then when it was Spencer’s turn, he paused before— wait forit— deciding to do something honorable. I repeat: Spencer did somethinghonorable! “If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in acourthouse,” he said, “and your mom is crying and is not talking toyou, then we don’t have to do this right this second…I just feel likewe’re doing something sneaky right now and shady.” Heidi’s already overly bronzedred face turned more red as she cried, “I want my mom here. I shouldn’thave to tell you that.” Spencer then promised to give Heidi the weddingof her dreams, adding that it’ll be worth it to wait for that day. It’sabout time he stepped up and acted like a man. My only questionis: Why wasn’t he concerned at all that his family wasn’t there? He’s the one who made such a big stink about how important his Nana was just a few weeks ago, so what gives?

Bonus Up Hill Moment (21:00): Ignoring the fact that Heidi and Lauren supposedly reunited prior to the run-in that we sawat the opening of the SLS Hotel last night, I am surprised at how realand emotional their convo was. Okay, so Heidi may have acted a littlelike a giddy schoolgirl talking to her crush (e.g. she kept awkwardlyreferring to Lauren as “madame”), but she seemed to be genuinely happyto be in Lauren’s presence. Lauren, on the other hand, remained aloof and apathetic as she asked questions like, “Are you happy?” Thetears started to pour out (of Heidi mostly, though Lauren’s eyesstarted to swell a little, too) when the subject of Heidi’s mom and theloss of their friendship came up. “It just is what it is, it’s notalways fair,” Lauren said in regard to the latter. Heidi nodded andrandomly busted out with, “Have you been working out a lot?” Greatsegue, H. (I should totally use that line next time I’m in the middleof an uncomfortable conversation: “Lindsay, I think we should breakup.” “Uh huh, so have you been working out a lot?”)

The topic quicklyturned heartfelt again when Heidi said, “I feel like I don’t really getolder, like time just keeps like passing by, and I’m like wait, twoyears ago, three years ago, seems like five minutes ago so much, youknow?” She may not be eloquent,but it was refreshing to watch her be so open and sincere. The lasttime we saw her like that was before she’d ever gone under the knifeSpencer ever existed in her life. Lauren offered her ex-pal a hug andeven told her she missed her. It was all very sappy, but just likeLauren and Lo’s recent trip to Laguna, it made me nostalgic for the old days.

Down Hill Moment: No timecodes needed here becausethis one involves anyone on your screen last night who currently hasbrunette hair (minus Heidi’s mom). If you’ve traveled with me throughoutour Hills excursion, then you’ll know that I’ve pretty muchlost the will to discuss anything relating to Audrina— especially whenit comes to her big lug, Justin Bobby. He may have had the best quoteall season (and quite possibly from the entire series run), last weekwhen he said, “You should put up some signs,” but I still can’t getbehind them as a a couple, as friends, or even as two people who sharea love of leather and motorcycles. Last night, he whisked Audrina awayto Palm Springs where they looked longingly into each other’s eyes,discussed how excited they were to be away from the drama (a.k.a.Lauren and Lo), and called each other “rare.” At some point, I think JBmight’ve even produced piece of metal, er, I mean a ring, from hismouth to give to Audrina, but I have no idea why or even what it wasfor. Was it a promise ring? A small token of his love? A key ringholder? I’m not sure I even care. These two are so back and forth(she’s being ridiculous one week, he’s being a jerk the next) that it’spointless to get invested. I have, however, appreciated J. Bob’spristine fashion sense during his run on the show. Denim overalls arereally underrated.

Okay, folks, for the last time in 2008, I now turn this recapover to you: What did you think about the season 5 announcement? Whatthe heck was Whitney wearing on her head during the before-and-aftershow? Were you impressed by Spencer’s random act of kindness or do youthink it’s another ploy in his attempt to take over the world? Do youthink Lauren and Heidi will ever truly be friends again? Doyou you even care? Finally, did you also simultaneously scratch yourhead and laugh out loud when Heidi muttered to her co-worker, Kimberly,at the SLS opening, “I haven’t seen people look this dressy and thisgood in so long.”