'Melrose Place' recap: Jane's back in black(mail)

Jane Andrews is back, announcing: “I’m ready for a comeback.” Seemingly, she was referring to the fashion business she’s ready to relaunch. Don’t worry, Michael Kors, Jane seems to be stuck in the 1990s of Melrose 1.0, judging from the horrible peach bridesmaid style of her new signature look.

But her real comeback is to the famed apartments of Melrose Place, as Michael ex-wife and Sydney’s sister moved into her old turf as landlord, declaring “I inherited this building” (huh? Who owns this place?)

Within four minutes of her arrival, Jane revealed that she also inherited Sydney’s secret files – including some incriminating emails from Ella. So Jane blackmailed Ella to get that peach dress on a hot starlet at a red carpet premiere. Thank god we’re not getting the boring sweet Jane of Melrose’s first season.

Jane did play nice when Violet revealed that she was Sydney’s daughter – there are hugs and chamomile tea all around, until Jane called the police to come pick up this “fugitive” (Violet stole money from her folks to come to L.A. to find Syd). Violet and her horrible jean shorts were soon in the slammer, but Riley bailed her out (leaving behind Jonah, in his adorable skinny tie, at his friend’s big movie premiere). We’re just glad Riley left the party so we didn’t have to hear more of her golfing small talk. Zzzzz.

David, of course, has his dad’s files on Jane (David’s would-be ex-stepmother) – so he stepped up to her, threatening to expose her secrets about that suspicious boutique fire years ago if she doesn’t leave Ella alone (no chance). Ella even swooned a little: “Wow. I don’t think anyone’s ever offered to destroy an enemy of mine before. David, that’s almost romantic.” Double-blackmail seemed to be very effective foreplay. David and Ella did make a pretty hot couple – I hope we see them together more often this season.

Lauren also got some action, but not in a good way — she picked up a new client who stiffed her on the bill and then shoved her around. Just when we were shouting “GET A PIMP” at the TV, in walks Miss Mattison, or should we say Madam Mattison, Lauren’s new mentor on how to work it as a working girl.

Now with Jane back, and news that The CW has ordered more Melrose episodes and Heather Locklear is returning, I expect this show to keep getting better, and hopefully bitchier. Meanwhile, I beg the show’s writers: please, please no more “dramatic” speeches from Auggie (“My world doesn’t work like yours”) or Violet (“My parents who adopted me weren’t exactly Brad and Angelina”). These moments are painful to watch. Give us more David having sex in his car, Lauren hooking up with clients, and Ella doing absolutely anything!

Favorite dialogue of this episode?

Riley: “She [Violet]’s in jail”

Jonah: “Okay, and is that a bad thing?”

So what did you think of Jane? Did you agree there was chemistry between David and Ella? Why was cute Lauren wearing the world’s ugliest bikini?

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW