'Melrose Place' recap: Violet revs Michael's engine

I’m still not convinced of Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s “acting” skills, but she does a mean Tawny Kitaen impersonation! In tonight’s episode “Shoreline” she definitely won the competition for “best redhead to writhe against a fancy sportscar” since Whitesnake’s 1987 video for “Here I Go Again.”

And come to think of it, Violet’s skintight minidress and black booties did have a little ‘80s flair. But I’m jumping ahead of myself….let’s get back to why Violet was writhing (and with whom). It seems she was “watering Auggie’s herb garden” while he was away on a surfing trip, and she snooped around and found a letter Sydney wrote to Auggie about how her ex-husband Michael had ruined her life. So, Violet came up with a brilliant plan to down five cans of Red Bull and go visit Dr. Mancini with her racing heart. Excuse me, doesn’t the world’s best cardiac surgeon have better things to take care of? And can crazy women just barge into any doctor’s office and have a seat? What kind of hospital is this — Mancini’s getting women shirtless in his office and Lauren’s planning her prostitution schedule in the hallways.

Anyway, Violet was all too happy to flirt with the good doctor and convince him to come by for a free drink at Coal. The Doc was lured right in – “you look like a healthy young woman” he says looking at something near her heart. When he did come by for his drink, our little bartendress created a signature cocktail for Michael – “The M.D., because after you drink it you’re going to need one.” (No worries that Coal is turning into the Algonquin Round Table anytime soon.)

Michael got a call from his distressed wife to come home, but he made a short detour when Violet followed him to his car, made the first move (literally, her thighs were around him in rapid speed) and got him into the backseat before I could even yell “Stop! My Eyes Are Burning!” at the TV.

After that bit of fun, Michael came home from work the next day to find out his wife Vanessa (Brooke Burns) is interviewing nanny candidates. We’ve all seen The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, right? Of course Violet is the newest applicant for a loving daycare provider. Michael flipped out and dragged Violet outside to confront her. But she had a surprise in store for him – revealing that she was Sydney’s daughter and showing him a video she’d made of their sex-on-wheels the night before. “You hurt my mother. She was trying to get better but you wouldn’t let her. And now you’re going to pay,” she says. Given her certifiably crazy-eyed stares, we think she means business.

Among the other Melrose neighbors, Stephanie Jacobsen, who plays Lauren, must be a good actor because she can somehow sound legit with all that medical jargon and hooker pillow talk too. Still, she missed out on two opportunities that might have made this episode a lot more exciting – proving her “versatility” to madam Wendy (that’s something to do with threesomes); or her having to confess her new business venture to David when he visited the private yacht party she was working.

David was on the yacht because he got mixed up with a shady art dealer who wanted him to steal a $2m Egyptian antiquity. But David prefers to be a free agent, which meant he got a beating from the dealer’s associates. After Lauren took him to the hospital, he again aroused his father’s suspicions.

Ella was busy this week with fashion client Anton V, who has developed a denim line that “flatter the ass of every woman from every angle.” (I thought that might already exist in the form of tequila shots?) To Ella’s horror, Anton wanted Riley to be his new model. Riley insisted she’s too shy (then why do you jog in your bra!?) but decided to model eventually to help with Jonah’s money problems. Riley did look pretty smoking hot in those white jeans, though — even if the fur top was a little too Rachel Zoe for QVC.

So, what did you think of this episode? Did you also find that Violet-Michael coupling too disturbing to watch? How will she seek revenge on Michael, just asking for cash or something more devious? Looks like Jo (Daphne Zuniga) is back for next week’s episode, are you excited or will she be gone too quickly, like Jane?

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW