'Sex and the City' goes noir ... why not?

Ever wonder what would happen if Sex and the City went all Roland Emmerich and cranked out a disaster movie? Or went on a Kubrickian space odyssey? While talking to EW for the current Sex and the City 2 cover story, Cynthia Nixon said she, her costars, and writer-director-producer Michael Patrick King all have. And what do they imagine? “There’s a terrible war and all the men are drafted. We all have to move in and start a victory garden together,” Nixon says. “We do talk about us in the future — Sex and the City in space. At least, we try and imagine. I always think a murder mystery one would be good. Because there are always rumors that someone’s gonna die: Charlotte’s gonna die or Big is gonna die. It’s crazy! It’s a comedy, guys. Nobody’s gonna die.”

Well, maybe not in any real SATC screenplay that will ever make its way to celluloid. But King recently provided EW with three tongue-in-cheek mini-scripts, one of which explores a parallel SATC universe in which Carrie’s biggest source of angst is not a scuff on her new Manolos, but the corpses of all the gals’ murdered husbands. (Another of King’s faux-scripts explores what would happen if the friends were among the last people standing in a post-apocalyptic Herland. It’s in the May 21st issue of EW, on newsstands now.) For fans of the franchise, it’s pretty hilarious. (Click here to read the full script and here to read another one.) Here’s an excerpt:

EXT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT — NIGHT

Carrie is seen looking out of the upstairs window. She is wearing a trench coat and smoking.

CARRIE (VOICE-OVER) It was a rainy New York City night when I got the first call.

INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT

She picks up her vintage black rotary phone.

CARRIE Carrie Bradshaw.

EXT. NYC STREET — CONTINUOUS

A MAN IN THE SHADOWS — his face obscured.

MAN Someone is killing my friends.

CARRIE Go on.

MAN 782 Park Avenue. Apartment 7B.

The Man hangs up. Carrie looks off — puzzled.

CARRIE (V.O.) 782 Park. It was a familiar address.

INT. PARK AVE. APARTMENT HALLWAY — LATER THAT NIGHT

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Too familiar.

The name on the door under the 7B: YORK/GOLDENBLATT.

INT. PARK AVE. APARTMENT BATHROOM

HARRY GOLDENBLATT floats in the tub face up — DEAD. Toy plastic DUCKIES float in the bubbles around him. A Burberry-print belt is pulled around his neck.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT’D) Death by a classic Burberry-print trench belt. It could only be one person.

Carrie looks on from the doorway — shakes her head.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT’D) It was times like this I wish I hadn’t joined the NYPD in 2011 when the book business went bust.

Oooh … spooky, right? Fun stuff. It’s like stepping into Sex and the City‘s over-the-top version of Lost‘s sideways story lines. If you’re a fan, what other off-the-wall scenarios can your wacky imagination dream up for the fabulous foursome? Sound off in the comment section below. Bonus points if you refrain from facile, misogynistic comments about the actresses’ ages!

(Additional reporting by Tim Stack)