'Gossip Girl' finale recap: Big developments (and letdowns)

Image Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW Much like grief, I dealt with last night’s Gossip Girl season finale in stages. First, I was flummoxed. Oh, the twists and scandals! Then, I was angry and annoyed… I’ll let you know what comes next when I get there. It’s safe to say I’m on the fence, but let’s take a closer look. [Seriously, stop reading now if you haven’t watched the show yet.]

Quick fix in case you’re catching a train to the suburbs after shaming yourself and those around you: Little J gave her big V to Chuck, but more (vomit) on that later. Dorota and Vanya welcomed a baby. Dan learned he fathered a baby (…we think), and Georgina’s the mom. Queen B headed for Paris for the summer accompanied by a Cheeto in a very pretty dress. Nate stole Chuck’s little black book so he could have a rebound threesome, and some mugger stole Chuck’s would-have-been engagement ring for Blair before shooting him, leaving him bleeding on the street.

Now rewind and slow-mo: We began knowing crap was going to hit the fan faster than you could buy New Moon on Pay-per-view as soon as we saw Georgina (apparently auditioning for the live-action version of Smurfette) arriving at Grand Central. Never a good sign. Also not a good sign? Waking up next to Jenny Humphrey wearing only your girlfriend’s favorite nightshirt and knee socks, which is the precarious position Nate Archibald found himself in. Nothing happened, but the same can’t be said for Jenny’s bed time with Chuck, which happened after heartbroken Chuck thought Blair had stood him up at the Empire State Building. She actually just arrived late, delayed because of the aforementioned birth. Chuck didn’t know that and left forlorn, ready to climb into the first gangly arms that would welcome him. Nit-pick: I understand dramatic storytelling, but for a series completely based off cell phone communication, would it not have made sense to drop the love of your life a call or text to let him know you’d be late? Ugh.

Moving on, my (and what I anticipate to be your) gripes with the Jenny and Chuck hookup fit into one of these categories: Either you’re disgusted that Jenny would sleep with Bass-hat after he tried to rape her in season 1, or you’re disgusted at the thought of Jenny sleeping with Chuck period. Nevermind. I won’t make you choose. Let’s just call this bad form all around. And just when we thought the Campaign to Make Everyone Hate Jenny Humphrey needed no more ammo, it further solidified my support after JHump blasted a picture of her brother and Serena in bed together. (They were just sleeping… after sharing a kiss. Ugh.) Jenny’s story ended for the season with a major Blair verbal whipping, what might have been a demonic omen (or a severe case of runny raccoon eyes), and with parentals Humphrey taking the advice of Wise Gay Teen and “[sending her] crazy ass away.”

On the Dan and Serena front, the wisest voiceover on TV summed up that troubling development best, saying of the possibly budding couple: “What makes them actually great together is when they’re supposed to be with other people.” And as much as I’d be inclined to agree (because as much as I hate both of them, they’re entirely tolerable together), I just can’t let it go that they’re related. Bit much for me. But I doubt this Serena/Dan thing will last long in the new season, seeing as how Dan’s fathered the devil’s child. I anticipate Serena will stay Nate-less, seeing as how he had his hands (quite literally) full.

Oddly enough, for what really should have been the highlight of the episode, the Chuck and Blair storyline was pretty unsatisfying. I had high hopes for the Empire State meeting but was let down — and a little irritated. Then to end the season with Chuck shot trying to save Blair’s GORGEOUS engagement ring from being stolen by random hooligans was (like many things in the episode) too much B.S. to take.

High marks are awarded for the ouster of Jenny and the two-episode absence of Vanessa. My advice for next season: Let’s keep Vanessa on e-mail and Jenny in a land far, far, away. Save Chuck. Keep the parents on the back burner. Let Holier than Thou Dan be the father of Rosemary’s baby (because he needs some scandal). Let Serena regain her human skin color. And please let Blair be happy. With anyone.

I can’t decide, PopWatchers. I think I’ll have to come to terms with the mixed feelings I have about this finale. Le sigh. But that’s just me. We all know what really counts… yes, yes that’s you. So tell me: What did you think of the episode and the season? Don’t be gentle (…just civil).

Related: Gossip Girl exclusive: The scoop behind the shocking season finale!