Hit List: Jan. 20, 2012

1. In long string of tweets, Kanye West says he hopes to ”pick up where Steve Jobs left off,” start new design company that will change the world, launch summer school, and maybe even serve as creative director on a Jetsons movie
But please understand that if his schedule gets too busy, the Jetsons movie comes first.

2. Justin Timberlake gets engaged to Jessica Biel, Timberlake’s grandmother claims
In case you’re interested, she also found Friends With Benefits a bit too racy for her tastes and hopes that one day he will reunite with those nice boys from IntheSink.

3. Sinéad O’Connor now reconciling with husband after announcing end of 16-day marriage
Smart move, Sinéad. At least give it the full 72 days before deciding.

4. History Channel to air Full Metal Jousting reality competition series
Winner gets two weeks off from his job at Medieval Times!

5. Slash reunites with certain unpredictable snake-hipped singer for benefit concert
I’m worried if I tell you that it’s actually Scott Weiland instead of Axl Rose, you’ll stop reading this senten —

6. Taye Diggs woos women on The Talk with strange-but-true story: He was actually born with 12 fingers!
Oh, sure, but my third and fourth nipples are ”disturbing” and ”nauseating” and ”if you don’t put your shirt back on right now, I’m calling security.”

7. Man with same name as Omar Little from The Wire arrested in Baltimore on gun charges
Great. Yet another chance for your know-it-all friend to say: ”No. You don’t understand. The Wire is The. Best. Show. Of All Time. I’m telling you — you really need to borrow my complete series box set…”

8. Hall & Oates announce plans to perform at wineries in Australia and New Zealand
And that is this week’s ”Whitest News We Could Find.”