Hit List: May 25, 2012

1. Conan O’Brien to appear on Late Show With David Letterman for first time in 13 years

You know what this means, Jay? His TBS show is totally unguarded!

2. Johnny Depp confesses on Ellen that his pointy vampire fingernails in Dark Shadows required ”team of people who would assist” him in bathroom

He learned his lesson after the Scissorhands incident of 1990.

3. According to disaster-cost-prediction firm, damage to Manhattan in The Avengers estimated at $160 billion

Or what Michael Bay would call ”a half-day shoot.”

4. Jon Hamm to star as sports agent in big-screen baseball drama Million Dollar Arm

He’s looking for a pitcher who has solid mechanics, throws a fastball with great movement, and is highly proficient at Draping.

5. President Obama returns to The View

Told that he was entitled to equal time with the ladies, Mitt Romney quickly responded, ”Nope, I’m good.”

6. Jimi Hendrix estate says that biopic starring Andre 3000 isn’t authorized to use Hendrix’s original music

Are you experienced…with major bummers?

7. Heidi Klum reveals secret to keeping gown unwrinkled en route to event: ”I usually lay flat in the back of the limo”

Reading this news, Paris Hilton mumbled to herself, ”Hmmm…I do that a lot, but if anything, it gets even wrinklier.”

8. Anna Wintour reportedly bars Kim Kardashian from attending Metropolitan Museum of Art’s benefit costume gala

Because charity begins at keeping her at home.

9. Lifetime to air reality show focusing on Whitney Houston’s family members

Suddenly The Client List is looking pretty classy.