Soundbites: Nov. 23, 2012

”I can’t apologize. I will apologize on behalf of Ernest Hemingway, because that’s who’s to blame here!”
—Pat (Bradley Cooper), in a rant to his parents after reading Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms, in Silver Linings Playbook

”I’mma give you all my affection/Every touch becomes infectious/Let’s make out in this Lexus.”
—Rihanna, in her duet ”Nobody’s Business,” with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown

”I’m getting married, and I wanted a good, stable job, so I’m going back to accounting. So just call me Bond. Municipal Bond… Yeah, that joke killed at the accounting firm.”
—Ben (Adam Scott) on Parks and Recreation

”Here’s to the damned, to the lost and forgotten/It’s hard to get high when you’re living on the bottom.”
—Kelly Clarkson, in her new song ”People Like Us,” from her Greatest Hits — Chapter One album

”If we are indulging imaginary situations, I would love to introduce you to my husband: straight Anderson Cooper.”
—Mindy (Mindy Kaling), to her co-workers, on The Mindy Project

”Are they legal?… Then Unitarian it is.”
—Elizabeth Taylor (Lindsay Lohan), upon learning that some religion would marry her to fifth husband Richard Burton (Grant Bowler), in Liz & Dick

”It’s easy to look like me. All you need is a stuffed shirt, wigs, high heels, and makeup. I describe my look as a blend of Mother Goose, Cinderella, and the local hooker.”
—Dolly Parton, in her new book, Dream More: Celebrate the Dreamer in You

”Thirty thousand pages of emails? I could understand it if Stephen King and George R.R. Martin were having an affair — those are some prolific muthaf—ers — but there is a fine line between seduction and spamming someone.”
—Jon Stewart, on the alleged correspondence in the General Petraeus sex scandal, on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart