'Pretty Little Liars' react: A big birthday fail

Are we all still here? This morning I found myself thinking “oh it’s PLL day – why am I still watching this show?”

It’s not because of the intricate mysteries – the plot and all the characters are kind of a mess at this point, as a tangled and most likely unsolvable maze. But hey, the clothes are great (thanks to everyone helping me find them) and the drama is entertaining. The boyfriends are cute and loyal and the quips are hilarious. The “twists” and filters and moments of creepiness have started becoming so laughable I feel like I’m watching a horror movie from the 1920’s. So let’s do this!

There was some discussion last week about the acting talents of Wilden (none) and Hanna (lacking lately) – but I think we can all agree that Mona, and the actress playing her, are both fantastic. Her quivering voice as she went over the story with the cops – the same story she helped Hanna with – was super convincing.

Hey, shirtless Jake, who slept on the couch at Aria’s. They’re not dating … riiiiight? And hey, future significant others of mine out there: a business card does not a birthday present make. Also, I totally forgot that Ezra’s baby mommy is also Kenny’s wife and most importantly, Dawn from the Baby-sitters Club. And if I forgot, chances are Ezra forgot too. He’s definitely eyeing Aria with some wistfulness. I forgot about Ashley’s boyfriend (are they still dating? how did that end?) too … can someone draw me like a character map please? But regardless, he could be just the thing Hanna needs because from what I can see, she is pretty abandoned right now. I’m shocked that her dad is taking so little interest in her.

Then, suddenly, just when you think it is safe – Jenna and Shana are spotted in the empty courtyard talking about Alison. And how she is alive? I’m totally shocked by this news! No, I’m not.

So back to the terrible birthday present – Paige not only provided Emily with a business card, but a bunch of false hope. She didn’t give the coach all the information he needed and he had to let Em down hard by telling her she can never swim again. Which is a shame because according to this show it is like, the only thing she is even remotely good at. Then another giant birthday fail comes when Paige wrongly assumes Emily will want to have a huge party in her honor after the biggest letdown of her life. Grounds for divorce, I say!

“Jenna’s back, and she’s knocking into walls.” Is it okay if henceforth I don’t say what I mean at all, but some fun euphemism or silly pun? Because I love the way they talk on this show.

Hey, while you’re making me that character map can you also include who has dated who? Because I think Jenna has hooked up with as many people as Ali allegedly did. (Toby, Garret, Noel, Nate, Nigel, Shana – whew!)

In other news – crazy Mona is back. I know when she’s heading into a spiral because she wears less makeup. Spencer did the same thing. In fact I’d be really interested to see them all go into one at the same time and start looking a little less like Barbies, although I respect Lucy Hale’s eyebrows way too much to say goodbye to them forever. I’m really excited to see what happens with Mona! She’s packed up her duffle – does it contain a black hoodie?

So I’m moving to Rosewood, where boys apparently love high drama women. Ted posted a $10,000 bail for Ashley! Jake wanted Aria to make out with him after realizing people tend to die around her! Not to mention Paige being so supportive, and the whole Calby thing (I will bring that up wherever possible).

The real rundown is this: Ashley is free. Jenna – a character who has been largely absent and basically just a name for weeks now – is likely dead. And Red Coat is going to get into the crawlspace of Ali’s house. Plus, some additional side stories about romances, custody battles and a birthday. Big whoop.

Everybody’s thinking it, I’m just saying it – is Pretty Little Liars doomed? Why are YOU still tuning in every week?