Movies

The Deep Water snail speaks out

One of Vic’s prized mollusks breaks their silence about the dysfunctional couple (played by Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas) in Adrian Lyne’s erotic thriller.

By Edgar the Snail

Published on March 19, 2022 10:00AM EDT

In Deep Water, Vic (Ben Affleck) and Melinda (Ana de Armas) have a marriage held together by sex, lies, and yes, snails. So who better to shed light on their complicated relationship than one of the mollusks Vic lovingly tends to in his garage? EW gets the inside scoop from Edgar the Snail (pictured below).

Saturday, March 5, 1:43 a.m.

Vic came by late at night — after a party, I think. He smelled of apples and disappointment. He turned on all the lamps and interrupted me and Hortense during a private moment. The water misters were on, which refracted the light, sending a constellation of rainbows in front of Vic's now-smiling eyes. So what if he was intruding? At least we brought him joy. (And Hortense, as we all know, likes to be watched.)

Wednesday, March 9, 6:13 p.m.

A few days later, I heard Vic and Melinda stomping around at dinnertime. There was a thump as he threw something angrily into the trash. Perhaps those bodega tulips Melinda came home with earlier? Anyway, while Trixie played "Old MacDonald" yet again, I heard Melinda storm off, probably with her customary bottle of merlot. Then Vic stormed off to meet a friend at a piano bar. You know who didn't storm off? Their overpaid babysitter, because no one remembered to call her to watch Trixie. (Who loves nothing more than this insipid Old MacDonald song which tortures me, though I do not technically have ears.)

One of Ben Affleck's slick friends in Deep Water. 20th Century Fox

Wednesday, March 9, 11:41 p.m.

Vic returned a few hours later, smelling of scotch and disappointment. Still, he was considerate enough to help some of my friends who were having dryness issues. He gently held them under a stream of water until they felt relief. It seemed to calm him.

Friday, March 11, 7:02 p.m.

Vic came by with that annoying screenplay writer, Don. They smelled of white privilege and disappointment. Vic begins to explain to him how we snails can climb a 12-foot wall to find our mates (I climbed 14 and a half feet for Hortense, but who's counting?). Don asked if he could smoke, but our protector would have none of it: "Please don't, it'll kill them." His loyalty is unquestionable. Don was eager to speak of murder and lie detector tests and a man named Charlie, but the misters came on and sprayed him. We all laughed at his foolishness.

Saturday, March 12, 6:33 p.m.

Melinda's friend Tony came by for dinner. I had a bad feeling about him right away. "Nice space you got here," he told Vic insincerely, peeking into our temperature-controlled haven. "Are those snails?" (The powers of observation do not elude him!) Tony is clearly at a loss for words, but it doesn't matter. The look of utter love on Vic's face when he gazes into our tentacle eyes says what words cannot.

Saturday, March 12, 6:45 p.m.

Hortense snuck over to the kitchen to see if there were any vegetable scraps on the floor and confirmed our worst fears: Tony, that scoundrel, suggested cooking a dozen of us! As an appetizer! But Vic, as always, was our guardian, our defender, the one thing that stood between us and Melinda's nefarious allusions to "garlic and a little butter." "The snails aren't for eating," he said evenly, keeping his justified rage in check. "Fun fact: You know you have to starve them, right? Before you eat them, you have to make sure their intestines are empty, otherwise, you'll poison yourself and you'll die." Perhaps a worthy sacrifice...

Friday, March 18, 6:45 a.m.

Vic left early this morning on his mountain bike. (Why he wears button-down shirts for athletic activities, I'll never understand.) Shortly after, we got the surprise of our lives when Melinda came down to our room for the first time ever! She never gets up this early unless she has overindulged the night before. To our horror, she accidentally stepped on Hortense's cousin, Pam. Who's the murderer now? But she will not pay for her crimes. She never has.