Anderson Cooper loved the experience of Madonna humping him on stage — the video, not so much

When you think of the word "dancer," Anderson Cooper probably isn't the first name to come to mind.

At least, he shouldn't be. But when Madonna comes a-callin', you pick up the phone, you grab the banana, and you boogie on down.

Cooper was recently on bestie Kelly Ripa's Sirius XM podcast Let's Talk Off Camera when she brought up the time they went to a Madonna concert and the Queen of Pop dragged him up on stage and proceeded to spank and hump him.

"I'm mortified," Cooper said, after admitting he's chosen to forget the incident. "I mean, I loved the whole idea, but I love the experience of it. I don't love the video that exists of it, the reality."

Picture it: 2015, Brooklyn, Barclays Center, Madge's Rebel Heart Tour. While performing "Unapologetic Bitch," Mother brings up the CNN anchor, who, like any gay man, does whatever Madonna tells him to.

And boy is it awkward.

Madonna runs poor Cooper ragged on that stage, spanking him with her stiletto, gently sodomizing him in front of 18,000 people, and then making him dance. Oh, the dancing, Anderson!

"I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was terrible. I danced terribly," Cooper recalled. He also realized that Madonna makes it look so easy — "it" being, like… walking on a stage.

"We all watch people perform on these stages and like they make it look like it's just so natural and normal," Cooper said. "Even the way they're like dancing, running, walking down the stage. I'm like, 'I don't, do I skip?'"

After sliding through his legs at the concert, Madonna handed Cooper a banana and made some double entendres so blatant they might as well have just been entendres.

"And then all of a sudden you find yourself like you're standing on this thing, and then she hands you a banana, and right before that she'd like pushed me over and humped me," Cooper continued.

Anderson Cooper, son of Gloria Vanderbilt, relatable as always. Who among us hasn't found ourselves on stage with a global icon who then hands us a banana and humps us? It's a rite of passage in most (read: gay) cultures.

"So I open it up and I start to peel it and eat the banana, and then all of a sudden I start lowering down on this little electronic elevator disappearing on the stage just like eating this banana," Cooper added. "I don't know. To this day, I don't know what happened."

Understandably, Cooper wasn't all there, having been publicly topped by the woman who gave us both "Like a Prayer" and "Like a Virgin." But Ripa, who was present and accounted for, was ready to fill in the blanks.

"You were standing there leaning against a black wall eating the banana and you go, 'Did you see me?'" Ripa recalled. "That's what you said. That was the first thing you said. 'Did you see me?' I said, 'Oh, honey, all of New York saw you.'"

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