'American Idol' recap: The winner is revealed

Is the suspense killing you? Well you better deal with it, because we’ve got two hours to go before we get any answers. The night will be filled with weird performances, and to start, Fall Out Boy! Why we’re opening with Fall Out Boy, I’ll never understand. Neither can Clark, who looks more uncomfortable than anyone has ever been before. I’m not sure he knows who Fall Out Boy is. I know the show just got canceled and all, but seriously, guys, is this the most current act we could find?

First surprise of the evening is actually THE JACKSONS singing with Tyanna. God, this show is so weird. This medley is, unsurprisingly, a blast. Don’t we miss Tyanna? She maybe should be here tonight.

Our top ladies return to sing with Nile Rodgers. They’re all wearing metallic clothes, and singing “We Are Family” and “Good Times,” and “Rapper’s Delight,” keeping with the theme of Idol being super current.

And now, for the most important part of the night: Ricky Martin. He’s singing something called “Mr. Put It Down,” and while he’s just as handsome as ever, this song is horrible and he’s hardly singing. But this particular travesty is followed by “Livin’ la Vida Loca,” which HOLDS UP. The boys join him on stage, and they are all great guys, but hardly sexy enough to keep up with Ricky. Clark, again, looks particularly confused. But then again, Clark has never been great with current music. “She Bangs” and “The Cup of Life” follow, and I am just transported back. God, I LOVE RICKY MARTIN. (But also he’s so sweaty, he’s definitely overheating. Someone should help him.)

Janelle Monae is next to take the stage performing “Yoga,” which serves as a welcome reminder that it’s actually 2015 and not 1998. I’m old and lame so I’m unaware of this song, but damn, it’s good.

What is Prince Royce? No one in my living room knows, but he gets to perform with J.Lo (and Pitbull, ugh), so good for him, I guess? J.Lo is the best, right? My takeaway from this is that I absolutely have to go to Vegas to see her show. January can’t come soon enough. The best thing about Idol season finales is that they actually make no sense. There’s almost no point to them, but they’re so much damn fun.

Our very own Keith Urban hops on stage to sing “Even the Stars Fall 4 U,” a ridiculous title, but the song is enough to make Nicole Kidman smile, so it’s obviously fantastic. I’ve said this before, but do we just think they’re the happiest couple? He’s got that tattoo that says “NICOLE” and she comes to his reality show finales. I’m obsessed with them.

Why is Jamie Foxx on this show? More importantly, why is he playing the piano singing a ballad called “In Love by Now”? Can he please just sing something from Dreamgirls? Rayvon joins him, and sounds great, per usual, but is still annoying, in my opinion.

Ryan thinks it’s time to check in with Clark and Nick (remember them?), and they’re just not a very dynamic duo in interviews, are they? We’re actually talking about hair. Ryan is literally caressing Clark’s hair and Nick is talking about his haircut. Wow. This show, you guys.

New Kids on the Block appear, and they’re teaching none other than Daniel Seavey how to dance. When they finally hit the Idol stage, they’re all wearing some variety of leather skort. I don’t really know what to say about this. It’s a little upsetting to me. This entire segment somehow feels sadder than Ricky Martin’s performance. Why did they even pick Daniel to sing with them? He’s 10 years old! He has literally no idea who NKOTB are.

Quentin teams up with Vance Joy for “Riptide,” which is possibly the most boring thing that’s ever happened on this stage. (Yes, including Jasmine Trias.)

Chris Brown is next in this parade. Why are we still okay with Chris Brown? Every time I see him he’s scarier. I’m just not down with him. Sorry, guys.

Steven Tyler, sporting an ultra creepy mustache, performs and, while we were promised a team-up with Jax, Steven flies solo for far too long. What is this song? Where is Jax? HERE SHE IS. She joins him to sing “Piece of My Heart.” She’s wearing some bedazzled superhero costume, looking fab. She should maybe be our winner, right? After the performance, Jax, very graciously, thanks the audience and the judges. She’s the best one. Damnit.

OBVIOUSLY Clark is performing with Michael McDonald. (Michael McDonald and Pitbull perform at the finale every year, don’t they?) “Takin’ it to the Streets” sounds good on Clark, and these dueling pianos sound especially good. What does it say about this show that this is maybe the second best performance tonight? That said, Clark could totes have the career of Michael McDonald. Which would be fantastic, right?

Nick follows with a performance alongside Andy Grammer, which is strange to see because they’re basically the same person. It’s unsettling, frankly.

In an amazing turn of events, J.Lo, Keith, and Harry get on stage to perform Rihann’s “Diamonds,” and J.Lo is basically naked and sparkly. It’s fantastic. This quickly transitions to “Locked out of Heaven,” and J.Lo picks up a tambourine and Harry stands up at the piano, so you know we’re having a good time now!

Results time. This is the most abbreviated portion of the night, oddly, but here it is. The winner is—ready for it?—Nick Fradiani! I’m surprised and also not surprised? How do you guys feel? Will you buy the album? Will you forget about Clark? Have you already forgotten about him?

See you guys in January.