Dancing with the Stars recap: From Zero to Zorro! And Back Again!

”Dancing With the Stars” recap: Paso fail

Adam Carolla, whose new movie The Hammer is out in theaters, exited the ballroom last night. Carolla left behind a fake mustache, a very tame (dare I say…inspiring?) concession speech, and, probably, all the dancing he’ll ever do in his life. Oh, and thousands of little girls whose new goal is to weigh 105 pounds like Julianne. It’s true, y’all! I have to say, I’m not as pleased as I thought I’d be when Adam went home. Over four weeks, he’d gradually toned down his attitude toward Dancing With the Stars from aggressive and condescending to blissfully irreverent. I’d come to downright identify with the guy. What am I saying?

Most viewers probably predicted Adam’s elimination at the top of the hour, when the judges selected his and Julianne’s paso doble for the week’s encore. DANCMSTR’s reasoning behind the decision was impeccable: They couldn’t agree on a favorite, so they went with Adam, who I’m guessing was nobody’s favorite. He was the right choice for the week, though. Once again, I truly enjoyed the unicycle dance, and I wasn’t even under the impression that maybe it was a stunt man up there on the bike instead of Adam, as I was Monday night. I agree with Carrie Ann that Adam could have become a dancer. But no one really wanted to see Adam become a dancer. He rode a unicycle and made uncomfortable jokes that often fell into the never-before-conceived category of Mormon/Jew. What more would you have liked?

Jason and Kristi heard the safe word (”Safe!”) first. I’m guessing one of those couples, or Derek and Shannon, would have gotten the encore if it hadn’t gone to Adam. Shannon snuck in a playful dig at the judges’ choice after Samantha, who is apparently in the same age group as this week’s 9-and-under exhibitionists, demanded that Derek and Shannon kiss each other backstage. This was totally unnecessary and could have been accomplished by passing Shannon or Derek a note in Adam Carolla’s Spanish class. Enough with the showmance crap on DWTS, already — especially in the case of perky Shannon and equal-opportunity cheerleader Derek. Samantha did somewhat redeem herself by directing a somewhat intuitive train of thought at Derek: ”It’s interesting to point out that you haven’t danced tonight, but you are covered in glitter.” (It was a complete sentence!)

Remember, showmance-mongers, the seaweed is always greenah in somebody else’s lake! And Samantha might dream about going up der, on the floor, mid-show, but dat eez a big mistake! I’ll stop now, but suffice it to say I was absolutely thrilled when strange miniature humans started dancing the samba to ”Under the Sea.” Aw. Kids! Most of the time I forget they exist; the double whammy of living alone in New York City and having one’s life smothered by Dancing With the Stars for months at a time can have that bizarre effect. I loved the first little couple, Aaron and Daniela, in part because their dance was adorable but mostly because of the way they totally transformed the typical agenda. Tom Bergeron interviewed the kids on his knees! DANCMSTR upped the ”it” factor on his you-did-an-extra-special-job-today cadence! Carrie Ann probably cried; I don’t remember. And I loved watching Bruno grapple with his metaphor of choice — his attempt to simultaneously clean it up and formulate words into a passable order paid off with this adorable compliment to Daniela: ”You look. Like a little tropical goldfish! Swimming around the reefs. Full of joy!” I almost lost it. Laughter and tears. That’s right! You can call me Carrie Annie.

Oh, wait, I just remembered what C.A. said, and it was a little cringe-worthy: She gushed about Daniela’s talent, then told her partner, Aaron, that her favorite moment of his performance was when he ”cracked a smile at the end.” Aw, crap! She didn’t mean it like that. Speaking of unintentional cringe moments, I’m sure Other Aaron, the fame-obsessed boy who ”won,” didn’t mean to sound obnoxious when he said, ”I feel sorry for them,” in reference to Aaron and Daniela (who were the real winners based on attitude; plus, now they devotin’ full time to floatin’, just as they should). That remark was jarring, but it was a natural thing for a kid to say. Aaron 2 is only 8 and does not yet have a publicist. Fingers crossed! I’ll be honest, that tiny matador’s hunger for fame made me die inside a bit. After he and his partner received gushing praise from the judges, Tom said, ”Do you know how jealous our celebrities are?” Aaron just gave a look like ”Don’t you get how jealous of celebrities we are? We just did a whole segment on it!”

NEXT: Sheryl Crow goes native

Sheryl Crow certainly jumped right into the DWTS spirit by wearing some black rock & roll sequins. Her first performance, which only Tom could get away with calling ”All You Wanna Do,” featured Edyta, Kym, Tony, and Fabian in quite the literal interpretation of that song. You see, Edyta and Kym, in fabulous golden fringe, were the suns, ”coming up” on two great, big, blacktop boulevards of men. Watching this before the ”Houghs: They’re Just Like Us!” filler segment (in which Derek and Julianne argued like normal siblings, finally) was typically mind-boggling; it was only after a thorough analysis of Sheryl Crow’s lyrics and the dancers’ movement that I truly figured it out. But it was Sheryl’s second song that really wowed me. Ballroom champs Delyan Terziev and Boriana Deltcheva danced a supremely hot number to the new single ”Out of Our Heads,” which Sheryl assumed everyone could sing along with even though no one had heard it before. It wasn’t that these two pros were technically far superior to our regulars; it was just awesome to see some people at the top of the ballroom game who are neither on the DWTS payroll nor dependent on Macy’s for exposure. More guests like them, please! Plus, Boriana was rocking some bright red sequined fringe (swoon!) in the best possible way. Oh, and Sheryl was wearing yet another sequined top.

Four weeks down; eight installments of glitter and swan sex to go. What do you think? Are you sick of hearing Jason refer to the competition as a ”one-horse race,” but would you buy his inspirational book Keep the Butt in Sight anyway? Should Adam have stuck around instead of Marissa or Priscilla? And which couple do you most look forward to seeing in barely any clothes for week 5’s sambas and rumbas?