Hell's Kitchen recap: Prom Scare

Wow, Fox is burning through this Hell’s Kitchen season faster than Melissa ruins scallops. During the third week of back-to-back episodes, we saw the contestants cater a prom for rich high school students who knew about “fusion,” try and fail to reinvent the salad, and serve dinner to former American Idol contestant Carly Smithson. It pains me to say it, but with crazy Raj gone, the “star” of both hours, drama-wise (because we all know it’s not really about cooking) was a 22-year-old whiny beast named Sabrina.

This week more than ever, Sabrina reminded me of that one-legged Amy Poehler SNL character, Amber, who brags about everything despite not being impressive at all. “I look great, I’m mad photogenic, I got one leg…” Take a look. Sabrina is like that. After her team won the prom food challenge, she confessionalized, “I’m winning! I keep winning…We didn’t even git to our second entree.” And later, when she spent most of prep time staring at the cooler and then announced she was headed to the bathroom, I imagined Amber bragging, “I’m gonna go take a big dump. JEALOUS? [Fart.]”

The women easily won the challenge with those “lousy f—ing kids” (according to Vinny) and got to go to Knott’s Berry Farm, where Gail was peer-pressured into screaming on a roller coaster and Peppermint Patty won a giant blue monkey. The men had to stay and decorate for the Beverly Hills High School prom. Of course they did! New maître d’ James had his most Emmy-worthy moment so far when he bellowed “DO NOT CREASE MY LINENS!”

Dinner service was a sea of soggy crab cakes, “f—ing halibut,” and purple piles of baby poop on a plate. Boris had offered to lead the men — or as he put it, “I’m willing to f—ing lead” — but Russell pulled through for the blue team with some vocal assertiveness and perfectly cooked steak. Meanwhile, Melissa inexplicably cooked all of her steaks at once before appetizers had even been served. Every single one of her teammates — except Emily, I think, because Emily also can’t do anything right — positively reveled in Melissa’s mistake during confessionals. “I wouldn’t even do that,” bragged Sabrina. I was dying for her to follow that up with “And I’m f—ing stupid!”

Ramsay decided the women had lost, and that Sabrina — the best of the worst — would get to nominate two other women for elimination. “Well, guess what, bitches? It just blew up in your face!” she drawled, her stupid glasses about to fall off her stupid face more than ever. Sabrina considered nominating Gail because Gail could actually cook and was therefore a threat. But instead Sabrina put up Emily and Melissa. Soggy crab cakes vs. pile of ruined steaks. And the person going home is………

NEXT: Who would like some delish hot-dog salad?

NONA! No. Kidding! It was just a scare. Ramsay asked who Nona would send home, and she answered Emily. “She’s way over her head, she’s not here at all.” Ramsay agreed. So Emily shuffled off in her usual daze, hung up her jacket, and left to go rejoin 10,000 Maniacs.

Episode 2! Ramsay switched up the teams, finally. General failure Melissa headed to the men’s side. Trev, who constantly looks like he just stepped off the set of a Tylenol Cold & Flu commercial, would work with (read: bitch at) the women.

Challenge: Create an original entree salad. The best one would be featured in Bon Appetit magazine. Rob initially thought he was screwed — “I don’t look like a salad guy” — but his scallops salad with grapefruit vinaigrette ended up winning. As it was up against dishes like Sabrina’s “hot dog salad” (pork and applesauce) and Nona’s “hamster in the fryer” (“quail”), this was not terribly difficult. Still, good job, Rob. “Thanks for nothing, bitches,” Trev magnanimously said to his losing team.

After that second dinner service, I never want to hear the word scallops again. Everything was about scallops. Melissa’s scallops for Rob’s challenge-winning salad were raw. Rawwwwwwwr. Nona couldn’t cook scallops in time for a “poor little old lady waiting for her frickin’ salad” (said Jillian). Trev cooked some new scallops himself. Melissa was burning scallops left and right. “HOW LONG ON THE F—ING SCALLOPS?”

“I cooked all the scallops, Chef. I f—ed the team, chef,” admitted Melissa. Both teams passed around a plate of Melissa’s rejected scallops. A small but determined scallop opened and closed its shell from its permanent home in Gordon Ramsay’s throat, helping him scream. SCALLOPS!

Ramsay kicked Boris out of the kitchen — he couldn’t handle even the lowly garnish station, and his crab cakes were “COLD IN THE F—ING MIDDLE.” Unable to choose a winning team in the face of such utter failure, Ramsay asked both teams to nominate one of their own. Boris and Sabrina stepped up. Good choices! But Ramsay asked Nona and Melissa to step forward, too — Melissa because she messes up so damn much and Nona because she can’t help herself from rolling her eyes or interrupting Chef Ramsay.

Melissa, you’re out. “Melissa had a blue jacket and now she has no jacket at all.” Good one, Ramsanator.

Final words from Sabrina: “I’m everything that those bitches wishes they were.”

Wishes.

And there you have it. Is it any wonder that the Hell’s Kitchen executive producer’s last name is Weed? Discuss this week’s episodes in the comments!