'The Hills' recap: In a New York state of mind

‘The Hills’ recap: In a New York state of mind

Your regular Hills watcher, Lindsay Soll, was so upset that Heidi got fired from Bolthouse for drinking on the job last episode that she had to take a break from the drama this week. And boy, did she miss out on some fun. For once we were given a reprieve from the ridiculous Audrina-Lo-Justin Bobby-Brody-Stephanie BS, and instead Whitney, who is obviously getting ready for her big City moment, and Lauren blew off some steam in New York City. Plus, Spencer got totally tooled by Brent. Woohoo! Bring on the tequila.

We’ll start things off with Speidi. I actually think it’s cute that Heidi is so bummed out about losing her job at Bolthouse. She really convinced herself that she was a vital employee there — as opposed to the publicity ploy she so obviously was — whining to Spencer: “I got fired from my job that I worked really hard at for three years by being such an idiot!” It makes me kind of sad for her, mostly because her one Spencer-free outlet is now gone. But not to worry, Spencer will be a reference at her next job. Yeah right. That plus another boob job will get her a whole lot of nothing. And let’s cut the crapola, kids. Wouldn’t this be the perfect opportunity for the show to branch into Heidi’s illustrious singing career? Why don’t we ever get to see her in the studio? Or shooting those fabulous music videos she and Spencer put together? Come on, Heids, who needs a job when they have the singing talent that you do? By the way, Hills-watchers, in case you can’t catch my sarcasm right now, pay attention. It’s late at night and I’m laying it on pretty thick.

Spencer, who I renamed DI (Devil Incarnate) in my last Hills watch, persuaded Heids that they should go out on the town to cheer her up. However, once they got to their chosen PR event of the evening, the Ultimat Launch, they quickly realized that Brent Bolthouse was there…duh duh duh. Heidi begged Spencer not to say anything to him, but of course he did. And man, we couldn’t be happier about that. Mr. Bolthouse, I have a whole new respect for you. And I’m not going to lie, I kinda dug your fedora, as well. Call me some time, oh wait….Anyway, Brent totally tore Spencer a new one. Have we ever seen Spencer clam up like that in front of anyone? Brent had him shuddering, apologizing, and, best of all, he had him speechless! Yeah, that’s right, DI was at a loss for words. Maybe it was Brent’s declaration that “I don’t even want to see you at any of my stuff. You’re bad news,” that shut him up. Amen, Brent. (No seriously, call me.) And Spencer just stood there and took it. I think the version of Spencer that we saw last night — the tongue-tied, insecure, embarrassed boy — may actually be the real Spencer. What if his pompous attitude and belittling manner is just an act for the cameras? I, for one, would not be surprised.

As Heidi looked on, I thought she was going to melt into the floor with humiliation, and she was left with no choice but to confront her ex-boss herself and apologize to him — again. Which gave us this awesome exchange:

BB “Dude, your boyfriend’s a nightmare”

HM “I know, I’m sorry.”

BB “What’s wrong with you?”

Awesome. Though, is anyone else starting to feel a little sorry for Heidi? Everyone in the world seems to hate her boyfriend. Nah, you’re right. Me neither.

NEXT: Model Alex gets left behind

On to more fun and happy things, like my wannabe BFF Kelly “Where’s Your Black?” Cutrone. Kelly, I wear lots of black! Can I come work for you? Anyhoo, Miss Cutrone sent Whitney and Lauren back to New York to help with a fashion show, while doubling as matchmaker for Whitney with the model, Alex, who we met in episode 7 of this season. A word to K.C. Don’t quit your day job because, as we saw, your love connection went down the toilet.

From the minute that Whitney reunited with Alex, while prepping for the Buckler fashion show, we knew the chemistry was off. Not to mention the addition of an even more interesting male model (that may be an oxymoron), Adam. Adam’s from Texas! And he’s cute! And he can’t seem to just answer a question! When Lauren asked if he moved to NYC to model, his answer: “I don’t know, maybe, maybe not.” And when Whitney asked him how old he was, his answer: “How old are you?” Oh, Adam, give us more. But going back to this age thing, did anyone else forget how young Whitney and Lauren are (23 and 22 respectively)? I think I have been watching them for too many years because I could have sworn they were at least 35 by now. It’s never too early for Botox, ladies! Meanwhile, monosyllabic Alex entered and was, to put it nicely, underwhelming. Show Whit some spunk, Alex! Or for God’s sake, at least ask her some questions. We now know she likes that. Nice and nervous won’t get you very far.

Right before the fashion show, mysterious cutie Adam invited Whit and Lauren to his restaurant for a party, and the girls could barely contain their excitement. All the while poor dejected Alex looked on, helpless to halt the events that were unraveling before him. Cut to a nice-looking fashion show, some hot music, and scene. The girls completed their job in New York City. Next up: hit the town.

When the girls arrived to the party at Il Bastardo (somehow I have a feeling that that name will come back to haunt us), we quickly discovered that Adam had a girlfriend named Allie (sorry, Lauren, we could tell you were kind of interested). But that’s okay, because he also had something better: a best friend who is dark and brooding, has long hair and an Australian accent, and sings. We swoon. Look out, Justin Bobby because here comes Jay, a.k.a. the Serenader. Whitney was immediately taken with the Serenader and couldn’t take her eyes off him while he sang. Alex still helplessly stared on at Whit. Sad. Sorry, Alex, but you never stood a chance once the hot, crooning Australian entered the set picture — and especially not with that trucker’s cap you chose to don. And once Whitney bought Jay a shot, it was all over. Speaking of which, these girls were a lot more fun in NYC. Whit was takin’ shots, juggling men, and staying up all night, while Lauren was all “Be forward, we’re only here for one night!” Right on, girls, maybe a little City action will put some more life into this franchise.

So Whitney and Jay were like two peas in a pod, leaving Alex with no alternative but to try and save face and talk to her, in what would likely be the most dramatic confrontation ever. Except there was no confrontation. Instead Whitney bolted with her new man. Totally cold, Whit. We couldn’t be prouder. Which left Alex’s buddy to say to him, “You know what just happened, right? Your girl just beat it with that Australian kid.” Poor Alex. You’ll find yourself a nice, boring girl someday.

And with that, Whit was off in the moonlight with her new Australian lover ready to begin her spin-off, never to be seen on The Hills again. Well, I doubt that, but it would be a cool way to begin her new show, right?

So what about you, TV Watchers? Did this episode get you guys excited for Whitney’s NYC spin-off? What do you guys think is actually on Heidi’s résumé? Does anyone else think we saw Spencer’s true wussy-colors last night? And why the hell is Sonic sponsoring The Hills? Those commercials kill me.