Jane the Virgin recap: 'Chapter 68'

There’s a lot of uncertainty in the Villanueva family. We have a new baby. A choice has to be made regarding a relationship status. And a moral compass is pointing in a dark direction. It’s time for some very important decisions to be made.

DECISION #1 — Baby De La Vega
Baby De La Vega has arrived, and other than meeting her 28-year-old sister Jane, her first order of business is a wildly over-the-top photo shoot courtesy of Mommy and Daddy. The baby is placed on Jane’s back, both wearing pink crochet caps, for the classic newborn shot. Rogelio and Darci then switch gears to the animal theme and rejoice as Jane protects her baby sister dressed as a chicken and a bear. Jane calls an audible when Rogelio asks the crew to clear the set for the nude photos. There will be no sweet shot of their “little bums side-by-side.”

Rogelio is proud of his two daughters. He’s also concerned that one of them doesn’t have a name. After vetoing both “Rogelina” and “Darcella,” Esteban suggests the parents name the baby Amada, which means “beloved.” Begrudgingly, Rogelio takes the name out for a spin before making any final decisions.

He introduces baby Amada to Xo who makes herself busy with a phone call to increase enrollment in her dance class. Rogelio’s face falls when she refuses to hold her new step-daughter in lieu of hanging flyers around town. This is when she runs into “Slutty” Crystal from high school. She’s hanging her own flyers and wastes no time rubbing her successful vocal business in Xo’s face.

Instead of boiling with anger, Xo comes up with an idea. With her dance skills and Slutty Successful Crystal’s vocal talents, they should go into business together! Rogelio supports his wife and books the telenovela sound stage for a promo video shoot. To celebrate, he offers Baby Delilah (Yes, Delilah. Amada is out. See below.) to Xo. Hard pass. She runs off to call Crystal to share the good news. Rogelio is concerned that Xo doesn’t like Baby Delilah. Jane encourages him to calm down. Xo just needs a chance to warm up to her.

Side note: Baby Amada is out since Ryan Gosling’s daughter is named Amada. Heaven forbid we stir up the infamous (read: totally fabricated) feud between the De La Vegas and the Goslings.

Crystal brings a couple of poles to swing around and writhe up and down on during the video promo FOR CHILDREN. Xo tries to play it off, suggesting they can green screen some woodland creatures and trees into the background, but Crystal and her teeny tiny shorts aren’t having it.

Rogelio walks in with Baby Fiona (good-bye Delilah) and watches as Xo tries to take something very sexy and make it into something wholesome. He calls her out and she finally tells him that she has to get out of the house so she doesn’t get sucked into a baby vortex. She can’t lose her identity, but this doesn’t mean she doesn’t love Baby Fiona.

Rogelio promises that he won’t let her get sucked into the vortex. He also wants her to ditch Slutty Crystal for an impromptu De La Vega photo shoot. Someone grab the fox and chipmunk costumes for Xo and Fi!

While Xo changes out of her fox outfit, Rogelio and Darci stare down at their little chipmunk baby. Both realize that they hate all the baby names they’ve test driven. The baby needs a name! Then it hits them. After gathering everyone around later that day, Rogelio introduces the entire family to Baby De La Vega.

That’s right. The baby’s name is Baby. All she needs is a summer at Kellerman’s to dirty dance with her own Johnny Castle.

Rogelio has more to announce. Baby’s middle name is in tribute to someone who is very important to him. He tenderly looks at Jane and whispers, “Michaelina.” It’s perfect. Jane cries. I cry. Rogelio cries. Oh how I miss Michael!

DECISION #2 — Relationship Status
Jane asked Adam to give her space for a week. Because she doesn’t want Alba to know she and Adam are having problems, she asked her mom to make sure she doesn’t give in before the seven days are up. Xo does a great job reminding Jane that it’s healthy to take a beat to figure out where she and Adam are headed — if anywhere. Having a kid around is different from ALWAYS having a kid around.

You see, kids grab your phone and punch buttons and FaceTime boyfriends who haven’t defined the relationship yet. As Mateo shouts, “Daddy’s friend taught me how to do this,” a mortified Jane wrestles the phone back from her child and apologizes as that same child begs to see all of Adam’s comic books. Adam appears excited at the thought of Jane and Mateo visiting.

When they arrive, Mateo acts like a mad man while Adam divulges in whispers and longing looks that he’s been missing Jane. Sensing a meltdown, Jane tells Mateo that it’s time to leave, which ignites the meltdown, and Jane has to literally carry her son out the door shouting, “I HATE YOU” to both his mom and her special friend. This is parenthood, Adam.

Jane calls him later that night to apologize. Adam laughs it off. He can put up with Mateo, easy. At the phrase “put up,” Jane completely shuts down. She doesn’t want anyone to “put up” with her son. This feels like a waste of time and as she teeters on the edge of officially ending the relationship, Adam stops her, begging for one more day. She promised seven days of separation and they are still on day six. Jane hangs up the phone.

Day 7, Jane finds an action figure at her door. It’s a gift for Mateo from Adam. Jane has one of her famous talks with Alba. She shares all the details and expects Alba to rant about how Adam is a jerk. Surprisingly, Alba is Team Adam! She feels that it’s unreasonable to expect Adam to know what he wants so early in the game and likes that he’s being mature about the situation. He’s realistic. Is this about protecting Mateo? Or protecting herself?

Cut to Adam and Jane sitting on the porch swing. Jane admits that she doesn’t want her heart to be broken again. Adam admits that he got scared, but is cool with both a relationship with Jane and with her son. They end their time with a sweet, loving kiss. I’d say this relationship is defined. (Recap continues on next page)

DECISION #3 — Moral Compass
You can almost see the steam coming from Jane’s ears when Mateo announces that “Daddy’s friend lets me have two” scoops of ice cream. Since when is Mateo hanging out with Katherine? Why is she feeding him ice cream? Wasn’t Rafael supposed to end things with this woman? So many questions, including my own: Why is Rafael working out with his shirt on?

Rafael blows Jane off. Didn’t she introduce their son to Adam? Jane explains that a potential serious relationship, like the one where you change your status, is different from a woman who isn’t going to be in his life anymore. Especially when that woman blatantly ignores family rules by gifting her son with an iPad. Rafael defends Katherine and Jane counters with an adamant, “My house, my rules.” Guess who’s moving out? Adios, Rafael.

Jane rushes off to work to find Petra air kissing a famous New York literary agent. She asks Petra to make an introduction and she agrees immediately. Everyone, including this viewer, is shocked when Petra doesn’t push back or ask for something in return for the favor. Now that Rafael isn’t with either of them, there’s nothing more to fight about. There’s no more drama.

Unless you count the light fixture that crashes down from the ceiling exposing a ton of termites. Remember Carl? The dude creeping in Luisa’s office? He’s the one who convinces her to release a bunch of termites (probably purchased from Amazon Prime) before walking her through an elaborate plan. The termites will force the people out of the hotel. That’s when she can steel some tubing from the fumigator, coat it with accelerant, wait until the building fills with fumes, light the tubing, toss it into the hotel, run like crazy, and watch the fiery show. Easy peasy.

While Luisa presumably figures out how to steal a piece of tubing from a fumigator, Jane confides in Petra. She’s wondering if Rafael has turned a corner, back into self-destructive mode. She babbles on about how Katherine is the worst and is stunned when Petra not only champions Rafael’s decisions, but sharply asks Jane to stay out of it. As a nasty caveat, she tells Jane she won’t introduce her to the agent if she finds out Jane has been meddling.

Refraining from meddling is hard for Jane. Particularly when Rafael drunk texts her to pick up their son and again when Katherine seeks Jane out to warn her not to overstep her bounds. Jane confides in Alba. The wise owl (literally from one of Rogelio’s photo shoots) encourages Jane to get her own agent. Right now, she has to help Rogelio. And Jane does that the only way she knows how — by writing a long, epic letter.

As Jane pens her sonnet, Rafael professes his feelings for Katherine because she once again is getting a vibe that he’s not into this. The next day, he ditches family brunch to go sailing with Katherine. Thank you social media for that tip.

Jane’s had it. She tells Petra she left Rafael a letter, begging him not to go into business with Katherine. It’s not worth it. Petra presents the envelope she stole from Rafael. Jane is officially not going to be introduced to the agent! Jane grabs the paper from her and marches down to the marina to hand deliver it. Then she’s tackled from behind by Petra. GIRL FIGHT!

The brawl moves from the outdoor patio to the kid’s ropes course, ending in a huge ball pit. The children watch in awe as Petra tears up the sheets of paper. Luckily for Jane, she was proud of her work and memorized the entire letter.

Jane and Petra find Rogelio by the water. Jane launches into her soliloquy as both Rafael and Petra try to shut her up. The last thing they need is for Katherine to hear her. Jane begs Rafael to take a step back. She doesn’t want him to get into trouble. Why would he do this to his family? Justin Baldoni’s entire posture changes and his face goes dark. He barks at Jane to leave. The moment drips with anger. I’ve never seen Rafael be so mean. Gina Rodriguez’s reaction was perfect. It was a mixture of fear, sadness, and resolve.

Alba later finds Rafael packing up his things. Alba hates that her workout partner is leaving. When Rafael offers to get her a trainer once he gets the Marbella back, Alba sweetly declines. Rafael tenses knowing that the Villanueva women “don’t believe in money.” Alba challenges him and Rafael explains that it’s different to have money and then lose it. She doesn’t understand. Alba straightens her back and lets Rafael know that her husband did have money and left it all for her, but he never lost who he was. His legacy lives on through her family and Rafael’s legacy will live on through Mateo. Is he living his best life now?

While Rafael ponders Alba’s words, Aneska finds Luisa and Carl by the hotel. Things look suspicious. Luisa crafts a long story about showing Carl the hotel to get his opinion on what’s going on and then scuttles away. Aneska, of course, reports this to her mother, except she includes some information we did not know. Aneska claims that Luisa was talking about a man named Carl…who was not there. Is Luisa going crazy?

Over in the parking lot, Rafael catches Katherine. Rafael explains that he wants to step back. He claims he did like Katherine, but doesn’t want to use her to get his hotel back. He wants her going into this deal with both eyes open. She thanks him for his honestly, gets into her car, and backs right over him leaving his body a bloody mess in the parking lot.

If they kill off Rafael, I’m out. Jane’s heart can’t handle it. Neither can mine.