Jane the Virgin recap: Jane dodges hellfire and damnation

When we last left Jane, she was safely in the arms of Rafael. Sure Michael/Jason’s return was shocking and Jane has vowed to help overcome his amnesia, but when push comes to shove, she is choosing Rafael. He is the one she loves. He is the one she will spend the rest of her life with forever and ever.

Unless, of course, the guilt eats her alive first. And everyone knows Catholic guilt is the worst.

You see, there’s one small problem that must be taken care of before Jane can move on with her perfect life in the arms of her perfect man. She might technically still be married to Michael. Her lawyer has to do some major Googling because she doesn’t have a ton of experience with husbands who have come back from the dead.

This won’t stop Jane from planning her future, though. As she prepares to move out of the house, Jorge moves in. Remember how he and Alba got married so Jorge could get a travel permit to see his mother? A piece of paper proves that they are husband and wife, but only one heart glows in that iconic Jane the Virgin way, allowing the viewer some insight. Alba’s heart is all in.

Although Jane can’t technically be all in with her own marriage license, she has no problem participating in a little afternoon delight with Rafael. Unfortunately, the good times are thwarted when Michael wanders through the door with his dog. Nothing says “awkward” like your current boyfriend sliding your underwear across the floor in front of your maybe husband.

Jane brushes the embarrassment aside and marches on, forcing herself to help Michael with her handy color-coded calendar. Ignoring his sarcastic undertones and lack of personality, they head to the Marbella. And after Jane witnesses Michael totally crushing on Petra, as well as engaging in a jovial conversation with Jorge, Jane begins to realize that she might be the key in Michael’s Melba toast disposition.

As the weeks pass, Jane introduces Michael to his favorite foods, Star Wars, a box full of memories, including his LSAT scores. Jane snatches the paperwork from Michael when he threatens to throw it away and places it safely back in its box. Then she hands him his old license plates and is appalled when Michael asks for the money Jane received from selling his car.

The call from the lawyer couldn’t have come at a better time. Unfortunately, the news is not what she hoped for. Congratulations! She and Michael are still married. Michael’s death certificate is now nullified since he’s once again among the land of the living. So that means the marriage certificate is still in effect and nothing can be done to fix it for six months.

Rafael has a solution. Jane needs to divorce Michael.

Oh, Rafael. Good Catholic girls don’t divorce unless they want to take up permanent residence in hell. No one wants that. Think of what the heat will do to her hair!

Rafael is confused. Jane uses birth control and has sex. Why is this any different? Jane’s answer is simple: Marriage is a sacrament.

While Jane and Rafael try to figure out what they are going to do to escape hellfire and damnation, Rogelio faces some good old fashioned guilt of his own. He’s worried that Xo is lonely now that he’s back on set filming The Passions of Steve and Brenda. What’s worse is that River Fields has more dialogue than he does. Why? Because River knows how to suck up to the writers. There are few people in this world who can pass up a delicious cookie in exchange for lines. River is officially playing hardball.

Rogelio sees River’s cookies and raises her with a kayak or “RoBoat.” He thinks this will give the writers enough praise to give him back his own monologue. Despite the fact that presents are always well-received, the writers think Rogelio’s character, who has amnesia, probably wouldn’t have a lengthy monologue. The one line he’s been given better reflects his journey.

Excuse me? Do these writers know anything about amnesia? Rogelio to the rescue! He will produce a real-life amnesiac to prove that he is totally monologue-worthy. He just has to make a quick call first.

Jane reads a text from her dad, laughing that he wants Michael to consult on his show. After explaining what a telenovela is (sacrilege), Michael agrees to help Rogelio for $600. That’s half of what Jane took home from selling his car. Like the Catholic guilt, Michael is officially the worst.

Or is he? As he rifles through a box, he picks up a shot glass and begins to tell Jane a story about how he remembers them in New Orleans. The shot glass was from Bourbon Street! The night someone spilled a drink on Jane! Jane’s face contorts in a way that proves she’s trying to remain calm, but she is clearly emotional. Hooray! Michael remembers something!

Regrettably, it’s an episode he watched of NCIS. Jane has never been to New Orleans. This amnesia is cramping her style. And mine.

Which is why we should all be excited that Rafael and Luisa are visiting Rose in jail to see why she wiped Michael’s memory in the first place. Dennis, Michael’s old partner, gives them a series of numbers from Michael’s old Sin Roso file that is clearly a clue. Moreover, Luisa needs to hold it together and not let Rose get to her.

Ironically, it’s Rafael who loses his cool. Rose tells Rafael that he should be thanking her for taking out the competition. She also teases him, knowing that Rafael wonders if the memory trick is reversible. If it is, Rose assumes Jane will run back to Michael, who is her one true love, and that is Rafael’s greatest fear. Rafael storms away in a huff, leaving Luisa to hear the truth.

Rose took out Michael’s memory because she’s pretty sure he figured out who she was when she was disguised as Eileen. And because she promised Luisa she would stop killing people, she decided to fake his death and erase his memory. So romantic, right?

Luisa rolls her eyes and slams a piece of paper with the numbers against the glass so she can watch Rose react. Rose immediately knows Luisa is working with the police and vows that there’s no chance in hell (or damnation) that they will ever figure out what that number means.

Meanwhile, on the Passions set, Michael proves to be more of an adversary than an ally. With his one-word answers, the writers feel that Rogelio’s line needs to be boiled down to one word. It seems that amnesiacs ask the question “what” 9 times out of ten. It’s perfect.

Annoyed, Rogelio works out a plan while he introduces Michael to River. She puts on a grand show, claiming that Michael is brave and praises him for handling his victim status with such grace. She also compliments Jane for taking such good care of him by offering rock-solid support in his recovery.

Rogelio would like to think he too offers rock-solid support in Xo’s recovery, but he can’t because he feels so much guilt that she’s home. So he brings her to set. And then proceeds to embarrass himself when he draws out his “what” line to match the length of River’s lines. Xo scolds him, plays the cancer card, and demands he act professionally.

When he does, everyone applauds Xo for being the Rogelio Whisperer. Especially River. In fact, she’s so confident in Xo’s abilities that she hands over some documents for Xo to peruse, hoping Xo will help her whisper Rogelio one more time. Xo’s reacts with shock. Or fear. We don’t know what was on the paper. Any ideas?

Speaking of shock, Jane has reached a breaking point. A full-on panic attack forces her to process all of her emotions. What if Michael gets his memory back? She’s supposed to tell him that she filed for divorce two weeks after he got back? What about Rafael? She loves him and can’t stand to see him in limbo.

Rafael calls to fill Jane in on what went down at the prison. He adds a layer to Jane’s Catholic guilt by telling her Rose’s plot to erase Michael’s memory was random. Had Michael gone somewhere else for coffee the day he ran into Rose, he would probably still be alive. THE WORST.

Rafael takes Luisa to a safe house under a false name, claiming Rose will never be able to find her. Yeah, right. Of course one of the bad guys from last week’s prison scene, dressed like a normal person, brings Luisa a pie and welcomes her to the building. She invites him into her home. Because Luisa is not the brightest bulb in the box.

Back home, Jane has a darling lost in translation conversation with Mateo, trying to work out her problems. Michael arrives and tells Jane that he is done. He can’t stand that he never does anything right in Jane’s eyes and doesn’t want to live with her disappointment. He gets that she’s upset, but he is not her Michael anymore. He’s a victim (thank you, River) and is walking away from a bad experience.

Alba convinces Jane that she needs to figure out who Jason is instead of willing him to act like Michael. She agrees and Jason takes her line dancing. She throws all caution to the wind, tips back a shot of pickleback (whiskey chased by pickle juice), and dosey-does her way into Jason’s heart. How do we know? Because he kisses her.

It’s not like that. The moment was not romantic. This is definitely not a good thing and Jane knows it. She ends up telling Rafael and promises him that she is getting a divorce. She will make hellfire her new cottage home. Damnation will be fine.

Jane arrives a few days later at Jason’s hotel room, requesting the divorce papers. Jason says the dog ate them and Jane agrees to have another set drawn up. Of course, Jason is LYING and that is confirmed by the divorce papers he holds in his hands.

Is this the sign of a spark? Is Jason falling for Jane? I think not. I know he’s not Catholic, but there was zero guilt when he threw those documents away in the trashcan. Something tells me our boy Jason is sketchy. I’d bet a shot of pickleback that he is playing dirty.

Related content:

• Jane the Virgin boss explains SPOILER’s shocking return
• The CW orders pilots for Jane the Virgin and Riverdale spin-offs
• Gina Rodriguez says Jane the Virgin spin-off pilot is ‘unbelievable’