Mistresses recap: Threesomes

Guys, I just want to state up front here that I do not like where things are going after this episode. Well, specifically, I don’t like where Harry and Joss are headed at the end of this episode. To quote the poetess Jordin Sparks, Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

That’s where we’re at when we open with Joss and Harry going through how he never got that apology text from Joss (because evil Niko erased it). Talk talk talk about texting talk. Let us all just agree the invention of texting has begat all sorts of new and exciting communication problems between men and women. Awful Niko inserts herself into the conversation (ugh, go get another tattoo, lady) and Joss hisses. “Texting will no longer be our primary mode of conversation.” Sing it, sister. Joss admits to Harry that she was lurking around on his photo shoot and saw Niko rubbing up against him like some sort of feral cat. Thankfully they agree they don’t want to fight and they should go out on a date for the first time instead.

April dresses up ALL sorts of cute to go to Headmaster Hottie’s office. She pulls it out—she pops her hip, she rolls her ankle around, and tosses her hair like a champ, and he ignores it completely. She looks as shocked as me that this isn’t working.

Later, she starts to tell a very quiet Karen all about it, but Karen is able to shut that down with the simple sentence: “I had sex with Alec and Vivian.” Oh show, you’ve still got it.

Just then Joss brings Calista into the shop to make their foursome complete. Joss notices that something is up and keeps pressing till April totally blows up Karen’s spot. Joss, of course, is totally judgment free and seems pretty pumped about the whole thing. But then Karen has to run cause she has to meet a priest? Beats me! She’s apparently going to be helping married couples find happiness together (but not in the way you guys are thinking, hey-o). When she gathers a bunch of couples together to chat she’s distracted by her own flashbacks of her hot and sexy threesome.

Joss is driving and leaving a message for Harry when uh-oh, she gets a call from ex-fiance Scott. Remember him? Me either. She switches over and has a totally weird talk with Scott about how he’s apparently about to be engaged and needs the ring back. It’s been about five minutes since they broke up, right? She arranges to meet him the next afternoon. BUT OH GAWD it sounds like she may have left all of this on Harry’s voice mail? Technology: It will get us all in the end.

Calista comes home from her boozy brunch all chatty and cute behavior wasted on stupid Luca. He’s not having it and keeps pushing her to sign some papers for the stupid accessories line he wants. Yeah, I think I officially hate Luca.

April is cyber-stalking Blair. Marc helps her out with it, and she learns that he’s really, really into hot yoga. (Okay, single ladies, trust me on this one: This is a terrible, just terrible sign! Namaste.) April, as usual, can’t see that this is a bad thing and starts plotting.

Joss heads to the restaurant to make sure Harry didn’t get that whack voice mail. I feel for Joss on this one: She basically fesses up about the Scott call, which is appropriate, but leads them down the rabbit hole of why is Scott calling Joss. Joss, not reading the signs, gets weird about Scott and then Harry gets weird and then the stupid text thing comes up again and ugh. Too real, Mistresses, too real.

Calista awakens with no husband but breakfast in bed. She drinks a martini later (love) and tells her assistant she doesn’t want to eat. I thought Wilson was gay, but apparently he likes ladies as he starts kissing Calista and she says they can’t do that kind of thing “anymore.” Interesting!

Joss shows her various outfits to Karen—who is half asleep (and apparently sleeps in a bra? Fascinating). Vivian calls and and while it starts off awkward, it ends with an invite for Karen to come over for dinner.

Oh no, now we’re actually at hot yoga with all the skinny women being territorial about their mat placement. April somehow didn’t know that hot yoga meant, you know, heat and is worried about her hair. (Fair.) She’s about to bolt when she runs into Blair. She’s a wreck by the end of class (and I was happy to see some frizz), but gamely chats it up with Blair while some mean ladies glower in the corner. She’s all, let me take you out to dinner! He says okay, and she tells him she can get them into Wunderbar. Of course. Another chick lets her know she’s scored and that many have tried and failed before her.

Joss meets up with Scott and it is appropriately weird and awkward. He is back together with the ex-girlfriend before Joss and she can’t resist a, “Your mom must be really happy.” Good luck, Scott. It’s bittersweet, and he wasn’t a bad guy, though we didn’t ever get to the bottom of that shoe fetish, did we?

NEXT: April pretty much fails at this date​

April gets ready for her date and Marc turns into a cartoon character where his eyes pop out—aaaaooooogah—and his tongue rolls around and April turns into a cheeseburger. Okat, not really: but he clearly has just now realized how smoking hot April is and that he probably would very much like to sleep with her.

Karen and Joss get ready for their respective dates. Karen is dressed sort of like a nun, Joss is not. Joss is complaining about how everything with Harry is a battle (sing it, Jordin Sparks!) and things with Scott were much easier. She’s basically still wigged out about Harry’s hesitation to live together. Karen wonders if it’s weird she’s going to dinner with her maybe-thrupple. Answer: yes.

Over at April’s date she’s chattering inanely on about sushi. Oh boy, somebody stop her. Harry pops in to talk about the food and sees that April is unraveling. He gives her a look, like, slow your roll lady! But she can’t. Ugh, been there. But none of this is helped by Marc texting her. She has to hastily explain the weirdness of her Marc situation and boy she’s not nailing this date.

At Vivian’s, Alec brought over what appears to be a set-up: Ken, an Asian psychiatrist. Really Alec? Really?! Haha. I’m sure Ken is nice, but he’s not lighting the room on fire conversationally. When Karen makes like she’s going to exit, Vivian straight up just asks Ken to leave, which is mildly hilarious. Alec admits that he brought the dude over cause he was uncomfortable. Vivian breaks it down: Let’s talk about what happens. And okay, the long and the short of it is that they want to be a threesome, a thrupple, a triangle. What a world we’re living in!

April gets a text from Marc telling her that Lucy is asleep (props to the writers for making the text look like true dude text speak in that it has random punctuation in there): She impulsively picks up the phone. She tells Marc she’s blowing her date and Marc gives her the advice to order dessert and drinks and she can still turn it around. But she can’t because Blair just asks for the check. Woof, sorry April.

Calista tells Luca that she thinks they need to see a shrink. Luca plays the sad song about how much pressure he’s under and how he needs her to believe in him blah blah blah. He brings up all the things she hasn’t signed off on and geeze, guess what he really wants her to sign? She hadn’t had time to give it to Patty, her lawyer, but crumbles under the Luca pressure and signs the papers. Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn’t it?

Joss and Harry’s date isn’t going great. He’s complaining about the food and prices (chefs totally do this in other people’s restaurants and it’s very annoying). She cuts to the chase: Why doesn’t he want to move in? He says he did till she made it all about Savi. And we’re off: She thinks he’s stalling and makes the disastrous decision to use Scott as an example of someone who knows how to be proactive. He gets mad. She gets madder. Niko gets brought up. Forks are slammed. She storms off. You guys, come on!

Joss comes home to Karen curled up on the couch. They compare bummer evenings. Joss tells Karen to think about what she actually wants—Karen wishes Vivian and Alec were one person. Joss uses her own time in the town of lesbianism to tell Karen the whole “woman” thing is no big deal. God, I love Joss and her free spirit ways. She tells Karen she doesn’t know what a threesome is like with love, but Karen clearly does.

In the morning April is making breakfast when Blair shows up with roses. What? When does this happen? He says he knew she was so nervous on the date she made him nervous and he thought they should hit the reset button. And then they kiss! Or start to till Marc comes in. Dun dun dun.

Calista is in a great mood, what after her pilates class and private pedicure. Less so though after her lawyer Patty comes and gives her the hard truth about what she signed the night before: She gave Luca the entire line under his own umbrella. Ugh.

Karen is helping counsel couples (resisting comment) when Alec comes in and makes a nice and emotive speech about how Vivian’s life was saved but their marriage was damned till…something new and exciting and taboo came along. Oh boy, you guys, it’s happening: THRUPPLE TIME.

Harry shows up to see Joss at Karen’s house and OH GOD. He straight up breaks up with her. Well, not completely: He says that he can’t do this because it shouldn’t be this hard. “We have to end it now so there can be hope for us in the future.” Oh brother! This is a nightmare! Joss’ poor little face crumples, and I am not a fan of this turn of events, as already stated. Do you hear me, Mistresses? Fix this!