Mistresses recap: Murder She Wrote

Ugh, this murder plot. This upsets me on such a deep level, Mistresses! Can’t we just have Joss and Harry making out or something? I’ll even take thrupple drama over this!

So, okay let’s do this: We pick up where we left off, with Joss reasonably freaking out when she finds dead Luca on the stairs. Does she call the cops like a normal person? No, of course not. She gets in her car covered with blood and calls Calista. No answer. Then she calls Harry. No one is picking up. She heads back to Karen’s house and smears Luca’s blood/evidence all over the place—it’s like she’s never seen an episode of Law & Order—and takes a freaked-out shower.

Marc and April chat about their shared insomnia. These guys are way too good looking to be insomniacs, by the way. (Trust me.) April and Marc chat a bit about all the usual stuff, including shared friends like Harry. Marc gets instantly nervous and is all, Oh, Harry? Nothing to see there: He’s GREAT. And April’s lady spidey sense starts dinging and it does not take her long to get to the nut of it—which is that Harry slept with Niko. Don’t become a spy, Marc. Predictable and pathetic, says April. Amen.

Karen—and her hickey—comes home to Joss who is deeply in shock. Joss explains what’s happened and is a general wreck and Karen takes over, thank goodness. Over at the crime scene, Calista pulls up. Calista, what the hell are you up to? A cop breaks it down: Luca is dead, and Calista gives an Oscar-worthy performance playing shocked wife. I’m not buying it. She erases a panicked voice mail from Joss. Hmmm.

The cops are talking to Joss who tells them the whole sordid tale. The cops don’t seem to buy it. They leave, taking Joss’ clothes for evidence. Karen, a pro at this whole maybe murder thing, tells her that they’re probably testing it for gunpowder. Yeah, this story line is going to do me in.

Harry and Marc are surfing, and Marc is displaying a very buff bod! Hey Marc, who knew? Harry quickly figures out Marc’s crazy crush love on April—something that Harry then has to actually explain to Marc. Men! Harry suggests that the solution to Marc’s problem is to get laid. Oh brother.

April drops Lucy off and has a little quality time with headmaster hottie Blair. He also has floor seats at the Lakers game: And he invites both April and Lucy. Too soon, everyone! But it would be hard to turn down free floor tickets so… yeah, tough call.

The women gather at Karen’s, and poor Joss still thinks fondly about Calista and freaks out about maybe getting arrested. Karen is all, girl, I’ve been there. Joss wants to call Harry and April leads her away from that idea and now Joss’ spidey sense goes off. April breaks the bro code and tells Joss he slept with Niko. Well, now she’s really having a bad day.

Calista is chatting with the cop who clearly is on to her weirdness. Or is just weird herself. TBD on that. She wants to know about Joss and Calista’s plan to trap Luca in bed. Calista is all, oh I nothing about that! Ugggggh, this story line!

The thrupple is hanging out on the patio. Karen and Alec are super shady and basically have a neon sign blaring—We Slept Together—over their heads. Karen tells Vivian she missed her. There’s more thrupple weirdness now that Karen and Alec slept together without their third. Alec and Karen debate over who wants to hurt Vivian less. Of course, Vivian sees them talking and instantly picks up what is going down. I guess this episode is good for women’s intuition?

Some alcohol rep is throwing her boobs all over Harry’s face and he plays pimp, sort of, and brings Marc over to Boobs McGee who rubs up on him instead. Harry is all, look at me I’m a wingman! And takes off. Marc does a lot of fancy footwork to not drink the vodka she’s offering and all of this would be a lot easier if he just said, “I’m in recovery” like a normal person.

NEXT: Jess gets grilled … kind of​

The cops ask Joss to come down. At the police station Joss sees Calista leaving. They share a complicated look where Calista’s eyes are like you are screwed, sorry not sorry. Officer Skeptic grills Joss on random details. She tells Joss that Calista was shocked to see the tape of Joss in bed and, finally, Joss decides she might actually need a lawyer. They let her leave but it doesn’t seem good.

April and Blair and Lucy are in the car chatting, and Blair goes full Mr. Hyde when Lucy looks at her phone. Oh good, I see the end is now in sight for old Blair. When they get back from the game April tells Blair that she thought he was a little hard on Lucy. Blair apologizes and reminds April that boundaries are critical and then they make out. Sigh.

Joss is freaking out to Karen about Calista and her silence. Poor Joss. Wilson calls Joss to meet with Calista (notice how smart Calista is not to call directly?). Joss passes Vivian on the way out who has arrived because she wants to talk. She gets right to the point: Did something happen between Karen and Alec? Was it sex? Karen levels with her, and Vivian is understandably bummed.

Marc has managed to get the alcohol chick to come back to his house. Great news! But he lives at April’s, so not really. Harry is all, oh no problemo—go have sex at my house. Oh, bros. “I promise to make it fast,” says Marc. Marc, we need to talk.

Marc and the blonde are finished with their business and she’s starting to put her clothes back on and leave when she figures out she’s at Harry’s house. She is not weirded out in the way that you’d think she’d be, and is, in fact, more excited that she had sex in Harry’s bed. She tells Marc she’s always had a crush on Harry—a weird move when the dude you just had sex with is still in bed naked. She tells Marc to put in a good word for her, and Marc is left feeling like a huge loser. What a weird plotline!

Alec calls Karen and asks her to come over and she downs a glass of wine in preparation for what is surely going to be a weird talk. When she gets to Thrupple HQ, Alec and Vivian are already fighting. Karen plays mediator and says they need to establish some rules. Alec is like this is nuts (which I agree with). He thinks he can’t do this anymore. He starts to give Karen the listen….speech. Vivian disagrees: Their marriage can’t survive without Karen. Karen sees the writing on the wall and takes off.

Joss meets Calista in her car and is still being very sweet, all things considered. Calista is all why on earth would you tell the cops the truth? Joss seems much more worried that Calista blames her than the fact that Calista is definitely about to hang her out to dry. Calista offers to get her a lawyer and Joss is like, can’t you just be my friend? Can’t you tell them I’m not lying? Calista is like, nope. Joss finally seems to figure out that she’s on her own in this and leaves.

Blair shows up at April’s the next morning and starts to make breakfast. April walks away from the table to make a phone call. Blair does his Great Santini impression when Lucy reaches for the syrup (in her own home!) and man, Lucy, I feel for you on this one.

Marc heads over to Harry’s, and they bro down a bit about how chicks really like Harry. Well, sure. Marc admits that Harry was right: He is bummed because he is a loser and April would never go for a guy like him. Harry is all, a-ha you do have feelings for her! Harry hands him a beer to cheer him up. Note: Harry has no idea Marc doesn’t drink and Marc doesn’t tell him. He drinks the beer instead. No, Marc, no!

Joss fills Karen and April in and seems fully on board with the whole Calista is nuts thing. Then Karen diagnoses Calista as having a cluster b personality disorder. I’ll buy it! April thinks Calista is the murderer! Joss jumps on board.

We end the episode with Calista in a typically insane outfit taking her ring off and almost tossing it off the side of her balcony but changing her mind at the last mind. Is she a murderer? I have no idea. Nor, honestly, do I care as I hope we can wrap this whole murder plot up sooner rather than later. More Harry and Joss kissing please!