Mistresses recap: What Happens in Vegas

You know how there are dudes who come into your life, and then they leave and you’re all, like, that was fun for a while, and then move on? Not so fast, as this week sees several Ghosts of Boyfriends Past come haunting — and not necessarily with great results.

Karen: Who was the mystery person waiting for her in the hallway? It’s Alec! He’s back from Costa Rica, and wants to meet his daughter and take Karen out to dinner to catch up. Sounds great, right? I mean, I’d certainly be a bit more peeved if the man who impregnated me ghosted to another country, but I’ve never understood Thrupple rules and I can’t start now.

She wonders if he wants to pick up where they once left off — and it certainly seems that way at dinner, especially when he asks if she’s seeing anyone and stresses how much he wants a traditional family life for the baby. Hmm. Then he gets down on one knee and Karen sort of freaks out, but oh, Mistresses, you dirty dog: He’s just picking up a napkin. RUDE. Nope, turns out he’s already remarried to a lady name Faith. He’s also apparently told Faith that Karen was the one who sent him away, leaving out the part about him freaking out and running away to Costa Rica. He’s also moving back to Los Angeles.

Faith is a young and bouncy pediatrician (of course) and works a little magic with colicky baby Viv — and yeah, if this seems like it’s going to go badly, it’s because it is. Alec and Karen decide to interview nannies together, and during the interviews it comes out that Karen was “dating” Jerry O’Manny, which Alec is not so happy about. They get into a fight and he storms out. Before you know it, Karen is served papers informing her she’s being sued for full custody of baby Viv, and it’s ridiculously unfair — especially when Alec talks about Karen’s lack of maternal something-or-other. Karen is like, you’ve messed with the wrong mom… so I guess a big custody battle is brewing. Also, does this seem like the Alec we used to know? (Also, also, Alec keeps talking like he’s Batman in a V-neck and it’s really distracting.)

Joss: Harry finds out that Jonathan’s arranged to have the two of them visit one of Jonathan’s hotels in Las Vegas, where everything is free and awesome. Before hitting the airport, Joss checks in with her survivor’s club/defense class and learns one of their members was horribly beat up by her ex-boyfriend. They all get bracelets to remember what’s important. Hmm.

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Everything is super fancy in Vegas, and Jonathan’s showering Joss and Harry with champagne and poker chips. Joss is a little wary about what strings might be attached, but Harry’s attitude is basically: Weeee! She’s still unsure, but then gets jazzed about the idea of getting married while they’re there. Harry is down, and they get as far as picking out what celebrity impersonator they want to do the ceremony (Charo, which is admittedly fantastic.)

They get interrupted, though, when Jonathan’s nephew wants to take them out, so they decide to wait until the next night. However, this being Las Vegas, Harry falls prey to the siren call of the tables and goes on a bit of a hot streak. Joss runs upstairs to change and comes upon said nephew arguing with his girlfriend in the hallway. It’s pretty bad and the nephew is being pretty awful. Joss hesitates, but then goes over to help and ends up getting shoved by the evil boyfriend — and she responds by going Hulk-crazy and beating the living hell out of this dude.

NEXT: Why Joss, why?

When she gets back to Harry, shaken, she doesn’t tell him what happened. Ugh, why Joss? Her fingers are all banged up and she lamely tells him she thinks they should wait to get married until their friends and family can be there. Of course, Harry is all understanding… but ugh, why Joss? WHY?

Joss goes to see Jackie, her fight-club teacher, to tell her what happened. She says she took the class to deal with her Hulky rage and it’s not working, but Jackie just tells her she’s awesome and to stay the course. There’s a big Joss blowout coming and boy, it’s not going to be good times when it does.

April: After last episode’s big reveal about Michael being transgender, April is still totally confused as to why telling Michael she could never be attracted to him — “knowing what she knows” — could be construed as offensive. Luckily, Joss and Karen are like, uh, that’s your issue (thank you, show!) and generally tell her to check herself before she wrecks herself.

Meanwhile in April-land, we have a totally boring plot involving Lucy and a church fundraiser. Ugh, must I recap this? I suppose so: Lucy is basically having a teenage don’t-put-your-religion-on-me freak-out and goes to Marc for help. But when Marc actually does try to lend a hand, April gets all mad and doesn’t want him interfering. Marc, rightly, is like: I think it would be nice to be a part of actually raising Lucy. April agrees but doesn’t budge; she basically makes Marc tell Lucy a bunch of stuff he doesn’t even believe, which bums me (and Marc) out. This story line is the worst.

Kate: You guys knew the Taco Guy we heard about last week would turn out to be a thing, right? Taco Guy sends Kate a bunch of rom-com DVDs, they have a lot of hot sex, and all is well in the universe, right? Wrong: Turns out Taco Guy is Scott, Joss’s ex-fiancé. Ruh-roh. Of all the gin-joint soap operas he had to wander into…

Scott figures this out when Kate house-sits for Joss and Harry. He goes to the fridge and sees the pictures of the happy couple. Understandably, he freaks out and abruptly takes off, leaving Kate to freak out about what just happened. (I would also like to point out that within one episode, various characters have done a complete 180 when it comes to their previously stated opinions on sleeping with recently separated dudes, but why bother at this point?)

Kate loses it and tearfully confronts Scott outside the hospital. He tells her who he is and why this is such a messy and impossible situation, and they have the kind of tearful goodbye usually reserved for when someone is going off to war or outer space to fight some aliens.

Kate goes home and cries harder than anyone has ever cried while watching Splash. But come on: We all know this is not the end of Scott. (There is no mention of his shoe fetish, either.)

Number of Savi references: 0

Number of mistresses: 0, unless you count sleeping with a newly separated person

Best line of the night: Goes to (!) Lucy: “She’s like Mussolini in a maxi dress.” Not wrong!