No Tomorrow recap: 'No Soup for You'

Xavier Holliday: Liar, liar, pants on fire. Not only has Xavier been lying about his name — it’s really Hamish Stegner, Jr. — he also has a criminal record (some light trespassing, disorderly conduct, etc.). But the dude can pull off a thick turtleneck sweater like nobody’s business, so I understand Evie’s conundrum.

Except, our girl Evie isn’t in much of a conundrum at all. After putting back on the Rational Thinking Cap she’s shelved since meeting Xavier, she realizes she just can’t overlook some major red flags simply because Xavier is charming (see also: that sweater). She understands the arrests happened right after Xavier’s mother died and the fake name had more to do with Xavier’s fraught relationship with his father, but she simply can’t be with a person who continues to live in denial about his past. He tells everyone to confront their fears before it’s too late, so why shouldn’t he follow his own advice?

Evie refuses to be your typical rom-com lady fool, so until Xavier is being his full, true self, she calls the whole thing off. No amount of Seattle’s greatest White Snake cover band Albino Cobra will make her change her mind. I know, you guys, this is worst-case scenario stuff happening here.

And so, our little apocalist lovers go their separate ways to deal with their emotions. It doesn’t take long before Xavier realizes Evie is completely right about him. He’s running away from his problems, and with the big ole’ asteroid headed to Earth, he doesn’t have time to waste. He picks up the phone and calls his father.

When Hamish Stegner, Sr. arrives in Seattle, Xavier greets him with a fist to the face. A traditional thank-you-for-abandoning-your-wife-and-child-while-your-wife-was-dying type of greeting, so I’m told. As we quickly learn, Xavier’s mother was terminally ill, and Xavier was left to care for her in her final days when dear old dad ran off with a woman named Rose. The very same Rose who is currently calling Hamish’s phone. Xavier pieces it together and realizes his father has brought his other family — including his daughter — to Seattle. Hamish was hoping Xavier would want to meet them, but Xavier sees it as just another example of his father choosing them over him and his mother.

Things are not looking great for the handsomest doomsday-er in the Pacific Northwest. That is, until, who should appear at Xavier’s trailer but Rose herself. She tries to add a little context to what went down nine years ago. It turns out, Hamish and Rose met at a support group for people with terminally ill spouses. During their darkest days, they found one another. Was it right for Hamish to run off and leave his family the way he did? Certainly not. But what helps soften the blow for Xavier is learning his father left because he simply was too much of a coward to watch his soul mate die.

Running away from your problems? Yeah, Xavier can understand that.

NEXT: The Stegner boys say goodbye

Still, after that revelation, Xavier and his father are by no means friends. Xavier tells his father he “can’t bury the hatchet, but he can start to dig the hole.” He invites his father to help him spread his mother’s ashes. The two Stegner boys pay her one last tribute — which is, of course, stuffing her ashes into fireworks and setting them off over the dam. And thus, a visit that started with a face punch ends with a hug and the promise to keep in touch. It also ends with Xavier saying something ominous about never seeing his father again. Why Hamish doesn’t further question his son, I’ll never know. Word to the wise: Apocalypse or not, don’t end family visits like such a creep.

Of course, after such an emotional few days all Xavier wants to do is talk to Evie, but Evie can’t pick up her phone right now. She’s too busy sucking face with Timothy. Yes, that Timothy.

So, while Xavier got dumped and decided to make some positive changes, Evie falls into the age-old trap of The Backslide. She ends up at the bar for an impromptu reunion of the saddest version of Destiny’s Child in history, which includes an out-Peted Hank and Timothy, still stinging from his #FernBurn. It is a very glum-looking crew and I do not think Queen Bey would approve at all.

Eventually, Evie and Timothy end up by themselves at the bar. Evie tosses her apocalist in the garbage — it’s a Xavier thing — and the two get to reminiscing about the past, but mainly about their favorite game show: Grocers’ Blowout. I don’t know much about it, except it has the world’s greatest catchphrase: “You’ve been souped!” Now that’s something Queen Bey would most certainly approve of.

Back at Cybermart, Evie doesn’t have much time to worry about her breakup: She has a meeting with a corporate exec in just a few days, during which she must present a new charity partner for Cyberhugs. Or else. The day begins to look up for our girl when she gets a food-for-the-homeless charity on board and receives a mysterious adventure map in the mail. This map isn’t from Xavier though, it’s from Timothy…and he’s taking her to be a contestant on Grocers’ Blowout. Now this is a top-notch kind of day.

The show, of course, looks pretty awesome. There’s food trivia, eating spaghetti while jumping on a trampoline, and diving into a giant cereal bowl for prizes. Can we make this a real show? The ability to jump into a giant bowl of cereal is what the world needs right now. In the end, though, Evie loses during the final question and her punishment is to have a whole tank of soup dumped on her. Say it with me: “You’ve been souped!”

The day isn’t a total wash: Timothy gives Evie back the apocalist he rescued from the trash — it made her happy — and the two share a very steamy almost-kiss over some misplaced parsley. Didn’t you know? Parsley is the sexy herb!

NEXT: Pretty smart, for a girl who smells like soup

Although Evie has a blast hanging out with Timothy on her favorite game show, the adventure spells disaster at work. The food-for-the-homeless charity Evie lined up for Cyberhugs is none-too-pleased with Evie participating in wasting that much soup. They pull out of the deal right before Evie has to present to corporate. Thanks to her own resourcefulness and a little help from Kareema, Evie comes up with a last-minute idea for Cybermart to have its own in-house charity. It’s much more cost-effective than any other idea and the corporate executive seems to be impressed by Evie, regardless of how much she smells like soup.

They may not smell like soup, but Hank and Kareema can also mark today in the “win” column. Hank’s enlisted by Deirdre to help her overcome her terrible cold before her meeting with the scariest fire marshal in all the land: Archie Fieri. His eyebrows were burned off in a terrible fire and his favorite pastime is giving out fines for fire hazards in warehouses — only, Deirdre has enough knowledge of fire codes to beat him at his own game.

When Deirdre is unable to recover in time, she takes inspiration from the Steve Martin classic Roxanne. She sends Hank in to meet with Archie — while he’s equipped with an earpiece — so Deirdre can feed him information. Yep, Deirdre is going to be deep inside Hank’s ear.

The plan goes about as well as you’d expect. Hank has to take out the earpiece because he’s getting too turned on by Deirdre’s husky cold voice. He racks up a whole slew of fines until he brings up Archie’s eyebrows. Turns out, they didn’t burn off in a fire — he has alopecia. Fun fact: Hank’s cousin also has alopecia. So, Hank and Archie bond over their shared history and Hank even pitches Archie what sounds like an excellent podcast: No Hair, Don’t Care.

The two get along so well that Archie drops all the fines. Deirdre’s very impressed, but before she and Hank slide back into old patterns, Hank puts a stop to it. Even if they’re just talking about how magicians cutting a woman in half is an assault on feminism, this flirting isn’t fair to Three-Pete or themselves.

Kareema has better luck with her romantic drama. While looking over the checklist for Sofia’s green card, Kareema realizes the INS will be digging into her employment history, including her employee evaluations. Since she tries the very least amount possible, she knows those evaluations could be an obstacle. Kareema decides to try harder for Sofia. She really is in love, isn’t she? She’s overly friendly on the phone with customers, making sure each is deeply satisfied with her customer service. Joke’s on Kareema, though: H.R. was more pleased with her work when she was curt and refused to give customers refunds. She was a wall that no customer could get by, and that is exactly what the higher-ups want from their customer service representatives. The bad news is Kareema is distraught to discover she’s been a corporate drone all this time (she’ll always be a rebel to Evie), but the good news is she doesn’t have to worry about her employee evaluations making their way to INS.

Evie wants to celebrate the good fortune she, Hank, and Kareema have all had, but once again, she winds up at the bar alone with Timothy. After trying a mysterious drink that tastes like pine needles and lighter fluid (and crossing it off Evie’s list), they head back to Evie’s place to chat about being surprised and inspired by one another. And so commences the face-sucking.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Timothy — and I am incredibly excited by the prospect of a piano duel for Evie’s heart in the next episode — but, like, Evie and Xavier are soul mates, right? RIGHT?