The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: Kenya Get Your Scepter

This season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta has gone on for so long that it’s difficult to even remember what’s happened in the last…four months? Seriously; it’s been 22 episodes and Bravo is under the impression that the housewives’ character arcs need more than two times the development of the Game of Thrones characters. But ultimately, the past 22 episodes are all just a countdown to the Reunion, when we can hear what these women really thought of the way their storylines were chopped, diced, smothered and covered, until they were delivered to us through Andy Cohen’s ever-discerning lens every night at 8 p.m. on Bravo. They know as well as we do that these episodes are edited within an inch of their botoxed life, and the Reunion, though also edited, is a chance to set their many, many stories straight. There doesn’t have to be a plot here, just a couple of couches and one silver fox ready to shamelessly ask them to air out all their dirty laundry.

And boy, did that air get heated. It was like a damn Bikram yoga class meets high school prom in that Georgia Ballroom last night. With the 22 hours of RHOA I’ve consumed over the last few months, I can’t remember each specific plot point that turned me so abruptly against Kenya. I can only express how I feel when I look at her: I feel that she is not to be trusted; I feel like every word that comes out of her mouth has an ulterior motive; and I feel like she is a villain, worthy of the nastiest mustache twirl. And yet – AND YET – you can’t just go around dragging people to the ground. Even if they are the kind of person who will yell in your face with a bullhorn about your recent divorce after having spent the last 30 minutes spewing lies all over Andy Cohen’s Armani suit. Even then…just keep reminding yourself of this.

I remember a simpler time, 43 minutes before one woman dragged another woman down to the ground in front of four of their closest co-workers, when Porsha thought her boob job would be the most interesting thing she revealed on the reunion show. I even thought to myself, “Wow, a boob job – how refreshing!” These days, the Housewives usually come custom-built with those already; in season 6, it’s a real game changer. Even rarer is the offer to “smell ‘em” to prove their freshness. Also revealing important pieces of plastic at the beginning of the reunion is Kenya, who has stolen someone’s (it’s Porsha’s) Pretty Pretty Princess set and brought the scepter to the Georgia Ballroom. If you think she will be using it as a sharing stick to pass around so everyone can take turns talking, then may I kindly direct you down to HGTV. Bravo will eat you alive.

Knowing that they had hooked us for the full hour with the promise of morally ambiguous lady violence, the producers laid on all of the worst segments in the beginning, AKA, a twerking montage and Kenya reiterating that every time she goes to Home Depot, men are whipping their d-cks out to offer to her. She continues to insist that this is a positive thing that shows how beautiful she is. Just know, that if you are a single gal and able to go about your daily errands without men offering you their dongs, then you should really start working on your personality, because you simply do not have the looks of Miss Kenya Moore.

Nene is acting particularly sedated, and I know it’s not just how she’s acting these days, because I’ve been watching Dancing With the Stars, and that woman can hardly keep her lace front on she’s so happy to still be in the limelight. I guess she’s just much more interested in fox trots and being mean to sweet Tony Dovolani than she is in rehashing her cast mates’ tardiness or how many roles she is constantly turning down because she is such a huge acting star. And she is. She’s a HUGE acting star, and don’t you forget it (even if you can’t find her on a single scripted television show on your dial).

NEXT: “Casper the Friendly Boyfriend” is no Devon Sawa circa 1995…

Here comes the beginning of the end: the compilation of Kenya’s season 6 storyline, which is just a lot of talk about her “African Prince,” and then an immediate cut to the Velvet tragedy. I still can’t figure out what the editors are trying to make us feel there. I find it very difficult to go from feeling perfectly comfortable mocking Kenya for her fake boyfriend to suddenly knowing that I’m supposed to feel sympathy for her. But I imagine it’s also difficult for her to go from denying calling other cast members fat, to calling other cast members fat, to being called a whore, to calling someone else a hoe, to then to mourning her dog. After a little awkward Velvet talk, Andy says he wants to talk about the African Prince some more, and finally, everyone emerges from their haze. This is something they can talk about with some passion! Phaedra immediately pipes in, “Oh, you mean Casper the Friendly Boyfriend?” Phaedra said a few ugly things during this reunion, but the girl sure can turn a nickname (I just prefer when they don’t have “whore” in them).

Kenya says that she and the African Prince are still dating, and she just saw him three weeks ago. She says that some people there have even met him and I swear, at the exact same time, everyone dons those fake glasses-and-mustache sets and tries to disappear into their seats. Andy turns on Nene, who is practically in his lap already in her attempt to stay away from Kandi, to remind her that she’s the only one who’s met the supposed African Prince, to which she immediately snaps, “That’s not true.” Kenya has her magical iPhone of not-real text messages out and is squealing “I’ll just pull up the text messages,” before Andy ever even gets through the original question. Shockingly, those text messages are never pulled up. Nene says that Kenya is referencing a time in L.A. when she and her friend were exiting a hotel, a man approached them in the dark and kept saying something in an accent that ended with “…across the street.” They got away from him quickly and Kenya called shortly after to ask why they were so rude to her boyfriend. They asked who she was talking about and she told them he just talked to them and was driving a black Ferrari…to which Nene said, they were driving the black Ferrari.

It makes as much sense here as it did in its retelling from both Nene and Kenya. I believe that Nene would have plenty of reasons to hate Kenya and want to make her seem dumb – you may have noticed this entire recap is about Kenya, a spot formerly held by Nene Leakes/Martha Washington, herself – but I am 100% certain that woman has never once dated an African prince, person or pauper. And having some man with an indiscernible accent approach Nene on the street alone to tell her that “Kenya Moore is across the street” sounds right up Kenya Moore’s alley. Especially considering Porsha’s story that Kenya tried to pay an African singer $15K to come on the show and say he was her Prince. This earned Porsha her first scepter to the face, and brought on Kenya’s second prop, a bullhorn, which she had not yet put the batteries in upon presenting it to the group like a newborn Simba. The line of the night has to go to Kandi: “If you’re going to have props, you got to at least have it together, now.”

Next: Porsha makes her move…it ain’t pretty.

Tempers are escalating as Andy reminds Kenya that last year these same women were all saying that she never really dated Walter. She says karma has come back around to each of the women who laughed at her about her dating life, clearly indicating Phaedra and Porsha and their various marital problems. Porsha then delivers what is undoubtedly the most concise thing she has ever said and ever will say in her life: “It’s not karma…what I get sick of is grown women sitting up playing the damn victim. You have been the villain since day one. You have laughed at me and Phaedra and any other woman on this sofa who you felt threatened by since the very beginning. And now you’re the victim…that’s very confusing me.” In that moment, Porsha put her finger on the exact thing that I can’t stand about Kenya, that I could never quite pinpoint myself…

If only she could have stopped there. Suddenly, you can just feel the scene that’s been playing in between episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker all week about to explode. Kenya says Porsha cheated on Kordell! Porsha says Kenya is a slut from the 90s! Kenya says Porsha is a dumb hoe! Porsha says she’ll f-ck Kenya up! Kenya puffs out her chest and says, “Get fired,” with a steely calm in her voice. Andy say, “No! No! No! No!” as both women jump out of their seats. And then Porsha goes for the hair. And she doesn’t just pull – she straight drags Kenya to the ground as Andy tries to keep them apart and producers jump out from every corner. They get Porsha off of Kenya fairly quickly, but the damage is done.

Porsha, if you’re going to go full Real World: Seattle, might I suggest another patented Real World move, and just put your hand through a wall. That way, people know how angry you are, but you’re just committing minor vandalism, looking a little bad ass and, you know, not assaulting a human. The result we get instead is Kenya getting her storyline for season 7 (you can say she doesn’t deserve the violence – of course not – but you’d be naïve to say she’s not pleased with the dramatic outcome) and something officially breaking inside of Porsha. She’ lies on the floor with her feet flailing while Nene covers her mouth so she doesn’t say anything stupid (or incriminating). When she finally gets control of her voice again she starts wailing about how embarrassed she is and that she can’t believe she lost control like that. I really can’t believe she did it either. Some man bridal carries her to her dressing room and, even with everything else going on, it’s the most confusing moment of the hour. I did love Nene’s immediate call for house shoes.

Andy, feeling host’s remorse, goes to Kenya’s room to check on her. She more or less insists that Porsha be fired. Then he visits Porsha’s room, presumably to fire her, but for now just ends up sending her home with specific instructions to get some rest, prepare an apology and get ready for four days of In School Suspension when she gets back.

Next week Andy Cohen will tell us that Bravo doesn’t condone violence, but given that they have already aired this episode – and promoted the sh-t out of it – we will know that he is a liar. They condone the hell out of this violence for entertainment as long as no one gets seriously injured. The question is: Do you? I think the answer will be “No” for most, but I do wonder how everyone felt watching this blow-up as your Sunday night entertainment? Was Porsha really as apologetic as she seemed? Do you think this was at all premeditated on Kenya’s part? And now that this fight is over, are there any answers you’re looking for from the rest of the Reunion? Discuss the madness in the comments…