The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: It's Going Down at Kim's Baby Shower

We opened last night at a demolition site. Operation Chateau Sheree was in full effect, which meant lots of Sheree in combat genie pants clomping around in stilettos to the beat of underwater techno music. “Next time you come to my job site wear tennis shoes,” her appealing contractor suggested. But one does not suggest things to She by Sheree. “This is my job site and I may make you wear heels next time,” she scolded. The Chateau will be a grand one: A circular driveway with a fountain. An 8000 square foot house with a library full of books with uncreased spines. A skating ballroom, masseuse quarters, a DJ playing Angry Birds on his iPhone in the party lounge. Anything will be better than the little dollhouse with the porcelain throne being toppled in front of her. 1975 architecture is so gross. “I was barely born then,” said Sheree. Her contractor paused for a second but spared his life when he said nothing in response.

Elsewhere Ayden, who is in fact the cutest 11-month-old human on our planet today, waved his hands in the air and sucked from a bottle of water. Phaedra went with her hot pink sweat suit—her donkey rump stamped HIS—for the morning. What a difference 11 months make. Gone are the threats of whuppings and back slaps. What Ayden wants, Ayden gets, much to the exaggerated chagrin of his peevish father. Apollo is testier this season, in need of both a nap and a splash-down. He was annoyed at Phaedra, though for the life of me I’m not sure for what exactly. Apparently Apollo’s candy red car got pulled over by a SWAT team and someone put a pistol to his head. But when Phaedra was alerted about the matter and called to check in, he told her it was all good and he was just at the office reacquisitioning things or whatever it is he does. So why did he lie? “I had to tell you I was at work until I could get to the bottom of what was going on,” he said. So what was going on? I don’t know. You don’t know. I’m not sure Phaedra knows. But whatever it was, and judging from their bizarre evasiveness I’m guessing it was more than just a case of mistaken identity, Phaedra and Apollo definitely don’t want to talk about it. So stop asking questions Ayden.

You know how Mauricio always wins when people ask who’s the hottest husband on Real Housewives? Well I’m going to go ahead and declare Leon, the father of Cynthia’s daughter, the hottest ex. My God, that man. I just replayed the scenes of him hugging his daughter and sitting on the kitchen counter over and over. Put that crabby ox Peter, who was huffing and puffing some nonsense about not being good at partnerships and not giving a flying ___ about Cynthia’s mother and sister, on mute and watch Leon in slow mo. Bravo, somehow arrange for Leon to have some scenes with his daughter in a swimming pool. As a Christmas present, maybe?

NEXT: Gregg shows up in a fedora.

I for one shall watch the clip of Sheree hobbling in high heels through deep pebbles from now on whenever life gets hard. Sheree and Kim met for coffee because that is what girlfriends of 10 years do. That and grab at each other’s wigs on a dark street as NeNe looks on in delight. From the sounds of it Kastle Kim is going to kick Chateau Sheree’s ass. 17,000 square feet, with a barn in the back for Sweetie.

Speaking of hard times, hang in there Brent. NeNe’s doll of a younger son just assumes NeNe and Gregg sort their mess out so they could all go back to being a family. “I still like your Daddy,” said NeNe, which was kind of a wonderful thing to say, even though poor Brent is mourning the fact that she used to love him.”You look fabulous,” Gregg told her upon arrival. “You look fabulous too,” said NeNe. Is it wrong for me to still root for these crazy kids?

Opinions. They’re like anuses. Hey, Phaedra said it, not me. Leading up Kim’s baby shower/bat mitzvah everyone was a little miffed about Peter’s predictably obnoxious interview in a local magazine. Here are a few things he doesn’t think are cute: Men in high heels. Phaedra’s ass. Sheree’s She-ness. Kim’s sanity. NeNe’s big mouth. Kandi is cute but she’s too soft. In other words, Peter is the Mayor of Haterville. Or as Phaedra said, he is the Papa Smurf of a village, the Uncle Ben in the shoe. Kids everywhere and unclean to his core. Not cute.

Before the shower, Kroy did Ariana’s nails which actually was pretty cute, although I’m dying for Ariana to just dress in something in her size from the Gap instead of Mini Bebe for once. I’m confused about whether Kroy was wearing an enormous cross necklace or if just had three bedazzled crosses bedazzled onto his black t shirt. At the shower, Kim was swathed in Jessica Simpson’s “I’m a Mummy” dress. Kroy’s sister looked wide-eyed and scared, clutching her ginger baby to her breast. Kim’s father oozed on over to the Housewife table and tried to drum up some business with Phaedra. Look, he’s strong as a bull, always on time, dependable. I’m not sure what good that does a law firm, and if his line of work is on the up and up, but I’m thinking he’d have a swell apprentice in Apollo.

Brielle gave a sentimental toast, even if it lacked in both narrative and poetry. She remembers when her Mom was all like “Oh my God, I just met this really hot guy. He has a nice butt. You got to Google it. Now here we are and she’s knocked up. Thanks for that.” (Kroy’s poor sister covered her son’s ears.) But Kim and Brielle’s tears were genuine, as is Kroy’s affection for those two vulnerable girls. Mazel!

NEXT: Apollo resists the urge to clean Peter’s clock.

Peter and Cynthia finally showed up five hours late without a present, both of them missing NeNe something fierce. “Lawrence, are you wearing pumps?” said Peter. Lawrence gave him a priceless look of disdain. “Of course, what else would I be wearing?” Phaedra couldn’t help but bring up Peter’s nastiness in the article, which he tried explaining away by saying he’s a real asshole “reactor.” Sheree told him she knows she’s cute so his words didn’t bother her. Love you, She. “Did you read the article?” Peter demanded of Phaedra, but Apollo had had enough. “Nah,we didn’t have time to waste our time on that,” he said. Take your time Apollo. And get him.

Neither of these two fellas are verbal swordsmen. “I am right here,” insisted Peter. “Get yourself together,” said Apollo. I am right here. Get yourself together. I am right here. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I ain’t getting myself pulled over. Get your money up. It is right. That’s what you do. It is do right. Back down. You too old. Bring it if I’m too old. Cut to Joyce! Cut to Kroy’s horrified sister! A policeman wandered by, clutching a mini lamb chop. Kroy shook his head in disgust. Kim wandered back in, insisting that the smell of smoke was coming off of Sweetie not her. “I don’t have no problem saying what I feel at all, any time,” said Peter, without realizing that that’s what makes him so incredibly unlikable. Epic fail.

Next week: Joyce is pissed.

Well haters? How badly do you just want to stuff Peter’s mouth full of cake? Why doesn’t Cynthia ever kick him under the table and tell him to zip it? Would Kim in fact ever cover her breasts up with a baby carrier? Sheree said she doesn’t like to read but doesn’t it seem like each of these Housewives could really benefit from joining a book club?

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