Shameless recap: 'A Gallagher Pedicure'

Last week’s Shameless ended with our young, innocent (okay, not so innocent, but still young!) Carl Gallagher getting married. So where did he take Kassidi for their honeymoon? The very romantic spot known as the bedroom he shares with his two brothers. “A Gallagher Pedicure” kicks off with the newlyweds making unprotected love (Kassidi doesn’t want to waste any time having “100 little baby Carls”) under the covers, paying no attention to the very awake Ian and Liam.

Down the hall, the other Gallagher brother is comfortably sleeping — until Lip gets a 2 a.m. text from Sierra. Booty call? Far from it. Her dad has been released from prison and she’s worried that he’s going to come after her. Lip brings Sierra and her son inside, laying Lucas on the couch, while the former flames head to his room, where she begins crying. They lie together, only to quickly be joined by Lucas.

It wouldn’t be an episode of Shameless without a busy morning at the Gallagher household, which is exactly what we get when everyone wakes up — or is still up, in the case of Liam, Ian, and Fiona, who pulled an all-nighter looking over the lawsuit filed against her. Lucas soon comes down to join them, causing Liam to rightfully ask, “Who the hell are you?” Meanwhile, Frank’s still preoccupied with figuring out his retirement options. The current plan is to try to collect benefits via the stolen IDs he’s in possession of (now that’s the Frank we know and love!). The lovebirds then join the party, with Fiona laying a harmful slap on Carl for getting hitched. “You’re both idiots,” she declares. Her father, however, has a much different take. “Can’t stop love,” opines Frank. “Proud of my Carl for putting a ring on that one.” You’re never wrong when you follow the advice of the great philosopher Beyoncé.

Fiona doesn’t have time to stay and counter Frank’s argument since she has to go pick up Debbie at the ER. Debbie’s accident turned out to be even worse than predicted. It was so bad that amputation of the foot was a possibility, but at this point, she’s facing reconstructive surgery or the removal of the three damaged toes. Neither option is cheap…or painless.

Back at the house, Sierra finally shares the full details behind her mother’s murder. “I’ve never been able to get that night out of my mind,” she says. It’s a pretty brutal and tragic story. Sierra and Neil, then children, watched as their father repeatedly punched their mom, eventually killing her. Their dad threatened them to stay quiet, but they would end up testifying against him, which is why Sierra is on edge. Lip offers to go with her later to pick up some stuff at home in case pops is hanging around.

Following last week’s rousing speech, the Church of Gay Jesus continues to grow, as Ian arrives to a swarm of fans and followers, including one young kid named Blake who says his dad is trying to kidnap him. Since Ian never hears this, Blake ends up getting grabbed. Like the gay religious action hero that he is, Ian jumps into action, cutting off the van transporting the boy and lying down in front of it. This inspires the onlookers to join him in blocking the vehicle, allowing the hostage to easily hop out. Once again, Ian is looked at as the messiah reincarnated.

Just as Ian’s associates are arguing the legalities of keeping Blake from his parents, the dad shows up wanting to talk. “We will do anything to save him,” the man insists, claiming he’s not a bigot — that, instead, he’s concerned with his son using drugs and prostituting himself. This news sends Ian to chat with Blake, who says he can’t go home, revealing that his parents put him on medication because they think he’s mentally ill. Considering his personal history, that surely hits home for Ian.

Now that she’s picked up Debbie, it’s time for Fiona to try to settle things with the homeless family squatting in her apartment. She nicely knocks on the door, attempting to reason with Rodney and Trina before their non-response causes her to quickly lose it — especially when she hears her dog in there. “I will kill you with my bare f—ing hands,” Fiona barks, as she finally decides to use her key to enter, only to discover that they’ve changed the locks. Oh, so they do have enough money to pay for a locksmith? Right as things are about to get ugly, Fiona gets called up to the roof, where her insurance company is surveying the scene. Fortunately, she’s covered for up to $500,000. Unfortunately, the guy she hired to do the work has no insurance, so it all falls back on her. Back in the good news department, though, Fiona has a lawyer, and OH MY GOD, it’s Janice from Friends!!

Perhaps as payback for Lip running out on her, Eddie shows up the shop with another guy, whom she probably gave a black eye to and definitely makes out with. “You and the f—ing drama,” she remarks to Lip when he mentions he’s leaving early to help Sierra. He’s actually doing more than helping, since he tells Sierra that he’ll go by himself. And just in case, he asks to look at a picture of her dad. He also wants to know where her dad is staying, which seems like unnecessary information if Lip is only going to pick up her stuff.

Kassidi and Carl are celebrating their union by having sex — and a lot of it. But she wants to know about more him than just his body. “Show me your life,” she requests, wanting the entire Carl Gallagher experience. “I need to know the life you’ve lived.” Be careful what you ask for. The tour around the South Side includes dead bodies, drive-bys, and group homes. And she’s loving it all, until Carl makes mention that he’s still planning on returning to school. After Kassidi storms off, he chases her down and eventually relents, agreeing to stay in Chicago with her. “No one is ever going to love you as hard as I do, Carl Gallagher,” she declares as they hug. “Remember that.” Speaking for all Shameless and Carl fans, we’d like to formally request that you love him less. (Recap continues on page 2)

Kev, V, and Svetlana’s mission to find the Russian dynamo a sugar daddy brings them to a fancy hotel, where the only luck they have is a rich guy offering $4,000 for an hour with V. “Look, she’s worth it, but you should really meet the other one,” replies Kev. “She’s crazy in bed — and she knows accounting.” No dice, since they’re “not hiring a bookkeeper.” The throuple then gets kicked out of the hotel due to the “strict no prostitution policy.” But it’s all good, because Svetlana decides to go get advice from her not-so-friendly frenemy (much more enemy than friend) Frelania.

Unsurprisingly, Frelania isn’t really open to giving “landing rich husband lessons” to her former boss. She’s taking real pleasure in Svetlana’s humiliation, declaring, “You were born a whore, you will die a whore.” But when Frelania steps out for a phone call, her old, senile, pantless husband walks in and mistakes Svetlana for his true bride-to-be. This prompts Svetlana to have what I call the “idea face.” What was this idea? Well, the next time we see her, she’s dragging a heavy bag into the Alibi. “Jesus, what do you have in there? A dead body?” Kev jokes, to which she replies, “I do not believe she is dead yet.” Classic Svetlana.

She isn’t the only one executing a get-rich scheme. Frank’s at the social security office and going window to window with the different stolen identities, hoping to cash in the benefits of each. But he has no luck until he uses his own information, and that only gets him $3.42 per month, which makes sense since he’s worked a total of six weeks in his life. “I have investigated every possible retirement scenario, and they all lead to homelessness, hunger, despair, and decrepitude,” he shares with the Alibi crew. This causes Kermit to perfectly and rightfully ask, “How’s that any different from how you live right now?”

Despite the great burn from Kermit, Frank may have found his answer in an unlikely place: Liam. The youngest and sole Gallagher who gives Frank the time of day is seeking permission to go yachting in the Caribbean with his rich friend’s family. Frank clearly sees this as an opportunity, so he demands to meet the boy’s father, suggesting, “He could be a drug lord…or a congressman.” The meeting allows Frank to scout out the expensive collectibles that he’s clearly going to try to steal while Liam and the family are off on their extended vacation.

After getting a less than stellar report from Janice, a.k.a. the unnamed lawyer whom I will only refer to as her recurring character from a 20-year-old sitcom, Fiona is hoping to negotiate with the squatters. And she gives a really, really nice offer, especially for a homeless family, but they’re not biting. It’s officially on. With the help of Ford, Fiona boards up the apartment’s front door, blasts music, shuts off the plumbing, and makes a hole that allows her to crawl in to steal the dog back. Fiona’s able to hand her pet off to Ford just as she gets tackled by Trina. But don’t worry, Fiona gives the ungrateful lady a few kicks to the face. “Is this fun or what?” Fiona declares with an evil laugh. She continues that fun by riding her adrenaline high and having sex with Ford.

As could be assumed, Lip didn’t go to Sierra’s place, instead opting to stop by the halfway house where her dad is staying. Upon making the identification, Lip taunts the man into hitting him. The plan works, as Eddie’s niece is filming the whole thing. Lip reports the assault to the police, which lands Sierra’s dad back in prison. And later that night, she shows her gratitude.

Meanwhile, Debbie has found her solution to her bad foot: Liam’s going to cut off her toes for her (really, no one else was available?). I’m a grown-ish man and that’s even too much for me, so it’s not surprising to see the youngster pass out, with Debbie following suit. Frank then walks in to this strange scene and is completely unfazed, diving right in to cut the toes and cauterize what’s left. Forget retirement; is it too late for him to go to medical school?

Over at the Church of Gay Jesus, Blake’s dad is back for him, so Ian puts a plan into motion. Blake is sent out as bait, luring his dad away from the van, which allows Ian and his assistant to set it on fire. “My god is a f—ot,” Ian screams as the vehicle explodes behind him. “We will not be victims.” Ian is officially the Man on Fire.

The most shameless character of the week: Kassidi. I really want to like you, but you’re making it very difficult. Just let our Carl go make something of himself!

What did you think? Will Carl and Kassidi’s marriage last? What are your predictions for next week’s season finale?