Survivor season premiere recap: 'San Juan del Sur' first Tribal Council

I can’t believe it. Either I wield some sort of awesome mind control power I never knew existed or this is a coincidence of epic proportions. Can I actually will things into existence? Is that what’s happening here? I have to ask, because regular readers of these here Survivor recaps are well aware that last season I dubbed a certain someone from Survivor: Cagayan “Boobs McGee.” It was a stupid nickname, to be sure, and once the season ended I kind of forgot about it. But here we are for the unwieldy-titled Survivor: San Juan del Sur — Blood vs. Water and producers HAVE ACTUALLY CAST A BOOBS McGEE!!! (In the form of surgically enhanced contestant Julie McGee.) But see, now I can’t refer to her as Boobs McGee because that would just be confusing. (Chesty McChesterson, perhaps?)

In any event, this got me thinking: What else should I be wishing into existence? The annihilation of Redemption Island (which Probst had already told me would be back for this season)? DONE! No returning players? DONE! No contestants that had already been quoted making racist and homophobic remarks in a national magazine…? Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. It seems my awesome Jedi-like “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” powers have their limits after all.

So with that, allow me to thank you for returning for another season of Survivor recapping as we break down everything that happens every single week. I was also fortunate enough to once again travel to Nicaragua for the first few days of filming, so I can also offer a little bonus intel for you in that regard. Oh, also, before we get down to it: a reminder that we have both an exclusive deleted scene as well as Jeff Probst’s immediate post-Tribal Council thoughts in the video player at the end of this recap. In addition, Probst and I will be doing our weekly Q&As every Thursday morning, so check back for those as well as exit interviews with all the eliminated contestants.

Shoot, I also forgot to mention that… wait, what?!? I can’t hear you! All of a sudden there is some deafening noise coming from overhead! What is that?!? Look! It’s Jeff Probst in a helicopter! Just kind of joyriding out in Nicaragua, by the looks of it. Jeff is flying by all of the contestants as the nine pairs are dropped off all by their lonesome for Day 0, which seems a bit na-na-na-na-na if you ask me. Day 0 was implemented in the last Blood vs. Water season as an effort to familiarize viewers with the couples and figure out who was with whom before they were ripped apart. So we get a few seconds of Wes losing his striker, Alec cutting his hair for fire, and Baylor being scared of howler monkeys before we finally realize that the only reason Probst is in that damn chopper to begin with is so he can look like a complete badass by hanging outside while it dips at some insane angle for maximum badassery. Probst. Such a freakin’ pimp.

The pairs finally all congregate in what would have been called Redemption Island arena but now isn’t because producers scrapped that idea at the last minute and decided to bring back Exile Island (which has not been used since Tocantins) instead. Now the arena has no name whatsoever, which kind of stresses me out. I actually asked Probst while I was out there if they would now dub it “Exile Arena” and he looked at me like I was the world’s biggest moron, which is not the first time he has looked at me that way, incidentally. (UPDATE: The arena has a name! Probst now has a moniker for it, which he reveals in this week’s Q&A. Check it out there and see if you think it is less or more dorky than Exile Arena.)

NEXT: Why Exile is better than Redemption

So let’s pause for the cause to discuss the switch from Redemption Island to Exile Island. I have been on record since the get-go as not being a fan of the Redemption Island twist. My biggest problem with it is that it neutered Survivor’s signature moment: the vote-off. However, even non-fans like myself had to admit that the twist worked the best in the Blood vs. Water season due to all the new levels of strategy it provided. The assumption, therefore, was that it would only return in Blood vs. Water seasons. In fact, Probst told me exactly that earlier this year. And then he confirmed in May that it would return for San Juan del Sur.

But at the last minute producers came up with the idea to send loved ones to Exile Island instead of Redemption Island—neither of which is an actual island, if you want to get super technical. What do I think of the switch? I love it. Now we get some of those interesting strategy elements and dynamics, yet still preserve the sanctity of the Tribal Council vote-out. When you’re out, you’re out. (Interesting side-note: Since Jeff had revealed on EW.com before the season began that RI would be back, he—and by extension we here at EW—had inadvertently mislead the contestants… which was actually kind of fun. So at the opening he told them that it was not back since the misinformation had already gone public that it was.)

But the contestants at this point still don’t have any idea that Exile is back, which perhaps explains why Jeremy volunteers to compete in the first duel (which is an actual duel and not a three person “truel,” like last time around). What he does not realize is that means he will competing against his wife, with the loser being exiled. I usually wait until later in the first column to announce my episode 1 pick to win it all, but seeing as how I announced on EW Radio already that Jeremy was my pre-game pick to win after interviewing all of the contestants (both Probst and my cohost Jessica Shaw had his wife Val as their pick), we may as well tackle this now. “I don’t care who I’m playing against,” Jeremy tells Probst after being asked if he’d like to find out whom he was taking on. Dude, it’s a Blood vs. Water season: WHO DO YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO PIT AGAINST YOU?!? You think they’re going to put you against Miss Michigan? Hell no! Bad move out of the gate by Jeremy, as his move to volunteer was sure to put either him or his spouse at an early disadvantage.

So the first duel involves racing through a wooden cube while trying to untangle a rope and then dragging two platforms back across the finish line. It’s not even really close, but one interesting behind-the-scenes tidbit: Val was having a hard time following the instructions, so Probst kept having to stop her and yell out what she was supposed to be doing. To be clear, he was not helping her, but rather keeping her from breaking rules, which would have disqualified her. This happens often in the game. Sometimes you see it on TV, sometimes you don’t. For instance, if you are supposed to run through two poles to go retrieve something, but you neglect to run through the poles, Probst will yell at you to go back and do it the right way—stuff like that. It surprised me Val was having trouble grasping the rules because she strikes me as a very smart cookie.

NEXT: Jeremy keeps on making moves

So Jeremy wins his tribe flint and a bag of beans, while Val will be the season’s first guest at Exile Island. But wait, not unlike a Ginsu knife commercial, there’s more! As if it was not enough for Jeremy to screw over his wife’s game, now he has to screw over someone else on his own tribe as well. He must pick someone to go to Exile with Val until the first challenge, and in this case he does something smart: He picks Keith, but frames it as a compliment, saying he chose him because “I know he knows how to start fire” and says he can take care of his wife. That’s pretty good damage control right there. Still, should have kept your mouth shut in the first place, man.

Hey, I got an idea—let’s head to the tribe beaches. We start on tribe Hakuna Matata… oh, sorry, “Hunahpu.” I’ll be honest, when I spent time on this beach awkwardly hovering over the contestants and watching them interact like animals in the zoo, I once again got very worried about my pre-game pick to win. Jeremy seemed out of the social loop. Gone was the chatty gregarious guy I spoke with and instead he appeared to be rather sullen. I assumed sending his wife to Exile was weighing on him. But here we see a completely different story as Jeremy acts like my favorite failed ABC cross-dressing sitcom and decides to Work It left and right. He makes a “strong two” alliance with Kelley. He becomes Natalie’s “designated Twinnie.” He approaches Missy, and she says she’s in. The only thing that’s a little unclear is if he is recruiting all these people for one big majority alliance, or just making individual deals with people, because individual deals are kind of useless at this point if they are not part of a broader plan.

Elsewhere at Hunahpu, Drew informs us that “I’m a f—ing genius” because of his shelter building prowess, but I don’t believe him. Then, after performing mating calls with howler monkeys, Jon mentions that his dad has an incurable tumor in his brain… and yes, putting those two things in the same sentence makes me extremely uncomfortable as well. One thing of note I saw while visiting the beach that did not make it into the final program: Remember how Wes lost the flint striker on Day 0? Well, the Hunahpu tribe lost their flint at camp as well and spent a good amount of time searching for it while I was visiting. I assume they found it eventually, but it’s weird how everybody keeps misplacing only, like, the most integral thing to their survival.

I know what you’re thinking: What about those bozos over on the Crayola tribe? Or “Coyopa”? Whatever. Well, one of those bozos may have just found the first hidden immunity idol. Allow me to do my best Rocky Horror Picture Show midnight madness impersonation and do the Time Warp to later in the episode when Val returns to camp with an idol clue and it tells her to go look by the water well. Yet she doesn’t seem to find anything. Why not? Because we see Dale here find an emblem on the well that he pockets, not realizing what he even has.

But that’s the just the beginning for Dale. Because soon after inadvertently taking what may be the hidden immunity idol, he then goes full on MacGyver mode, breaking his glasses in two to achieve Double Magnification, which I realize sounds like some straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal movie that I totally want to watch, but hot damn if it doesn’t totally work and give the tribe fire.

NEXT: Now introducing… John Wetland!

Of course we all know it is only a matter of time before someone recognizes tribemate John Rocker. Even minor celebs/sports figures like Gary Hogeboom are always recognized by someone. Keith told us right out of the gate that “I watch all types of sports, and I’m pretty damn sure this is John Rocker, the relief pitcher for the Braves. And he was an ass. And he may be still an ass now.” So it’s not a surprise when Keith’s son Wes confronts the pitcher about his last name. “Does it have five letters in it?” asks Wes. (For the record, Rocker is spelled R-O-C-K-E-R.) So, anyway there are two ways this conversation could have gone. Here’s #1:

WES: “Hey, are you John Rocker?”

JOHN: “No, I’m John Wetland.”

WES: “Good, because John Rocker is a homophobic racist, and I want no part of that dude.”

JOHN: “Hmmm… I don’t know. The guy had some interesting viewpoints, and I was especially intrigued by his ‘Speak English’ campaign. Now that’s the kind of guy I can really get behind.”

WES “Nah, that dude sucked. So glad you are not him, man. I was worried for a minute.”

JOHN: “Now, hold on a second. I actually think as long as you have not been brainwashed by the media you can appreciate the fact that this Rocker guy was just sticking up for real Americans. And America in general. Did I mention his Speak English campaign? Because that was fairly awesome and something you might want to take a look at.”

WES: “Man, screw that guy. Am I right, Wetland? I’ve seen better pitchers in a bar! Get it? Like pitchers of beer? HA! Yeah, that’s what I’m talking abo…”

John punches Wes in the face and stomps off.

Unfortunately, that is most certainly not what happens. Instead, Wes mentions what a huge Rocker fan he is, so John comes clean about his true identity. Rocker is not going to cry about being recognized. For one thing, he’s a real man and real men don’t cry (or so I’ve heard). Plus, he expected it. But tears are coming to the eyes of several other contestants. When I visited the Coyopa beach, Dale was rubbing his eyes constantly. I assumed some sunblock (which is provided to the contestants by production so they don’t go all John Cochran) had gotten into his eyes, but found out later at Tribal Council that was not the case. Instead, it is the sap from the tree leaves used for the shelter roofing causing all the nasty irritation, and we see Josh suffering from it as well. At this point, the elements have one tribe member very concerned. Says Alec: “We got poison sap, you got scorpions. Shoot, there could be a puma running around here that I don’t know about.” Or was that Drew? I have no idea. I can’t tell those two brothers apart.

Off to the immunity challenge we go. The tribes congregate while Val and Keith are welcomed back from Exile (Val with clue, Keith without). The contest is the biggest opening challenge (in terms of scale) ever. The teams have to crawl under an obstacle, get three bags, scale three walls using a rope ball, pegs, and then themselves, and finally solve a puzzle. Winner takes home the all–important immunity idol, which appears to be some sort of tribal mama sitting crisscross applesauce. Coyopa leads for pretty much the entire way until we get to the puzzle, and let me tell you from being on the scene that this puzzle took FOREVER. Now, it should be noted that almost all Survivor challenges are edited down for time and maximum tension, but this was absolutely ridiculous. Nobody could figure this puzzle out. The crew members could have gone out and ordered Super Big Gulp Slurpees from 7-Eleven and come back and the players still wouldn’t have been done. And guess what? I didn’t even see any 7-Elevens in Nicaragua! That’s how slow these people were!

NEXT: San Juan del Sur claims its first victim

So Hunahpu wins… if you want to call it that, and Coyopa needs to decide whom to get rid of. Dale is uncomfortable because he watched Nadiya play on The Amazing Race and thinks she’s a backstabber. The other men agree, although whether Josh counts as one of the men is open to debate among some tribe members as Nadiya repeatedly refers to him as one of the girls. And Josh just looooooooves that. The other girls go with the tired and true strategy of “vote out the old guy.” But Baylor then immediately goes and tells Josh of that plan. This is not surprising as Baylor and Josh were being super chummy with each other when I visited their beach. Which is what will make Josh’s vote at Tribal Council later all the more curious.

Speaking of Tribal Council, it’s time to go snuff a torch. I was able to attend this particular Tribal Council, and I can say that of the nine TC’s I’ve witnessed upclose and personal over the years, this is easily the least dramatic one. No arguing, no attacking, no defensiveness, not even really any humor outside of Nadiya saying she wants to keep a positive attitude and “make margaritas out of lemons.” (The good news: She would have access to margaritas in a matter of minutes.) Really, just nothing all around. I suppose Nadiya and Dale both thought they were safe so there was no need to mix it up, but it was the first time where I’ve ever watched a Tribal Council—and they go on for much longer than what you see on TV—where I actually looked at my watch.

There was one interesting nugget, however. During the voting, Josh said that he actually changed his vote right then and there at Tribal (which rarely happens) and voted for… Baylor? Someone who wanted to work with him and be his ally? Fascinating. We’ll have to keep an eye on that. But don’t bother keeping an eye on Nadiya because Nadiya is nada in this game, booted out of the game with five votes and therefore becoming the 29th recipient of the biannual Sonja Christopher Golden Ukelele Award for Survivor Futility.

So how I do feel about the premiere and the prospects for this season? Totally unclear. I actually liked the contestants as a whole when I spoke with them the day before filming (with Jeremy and Val being my favorites) and thought it was a good group. So I was feeling pretty solid about it on day 1, especially after the opening and watching the emotional roller-coaster ride Jeremy took in talking trash to and then defeating his wife. But my tribe visits were somewhat disappointing and Tribal Council was super disappointing, so who knows. (In fairness, it should be noted that tribe visits are a complete crapshoot. I spend an hour or so at each camp and if I happen to visit while they are all taking a nap, then I’m out of luck.) So I am not so sure yet what to think. I do know it was kind of odd how there was not even a preview for next week’s episode but rather a “This season on Survivor…” look ahead. That’s become standard operating procedure for a lot of reality shows in recent years, but I personally miss the episode 2 specific tease. Most likely because I fear nothing in this world more than change. The one thing I do know is that I am glad Survivor is back and glad you are back to take this journey once again with me.

And our journey this week has only begun. Make sure to check out my weekly Q&A with the Hostmaster General Jeff Probst, and you can also find my exit interview with the ousted Nadiya on the next installment of the InsideTV Podcast. We’ve got even more goodies in the video player, where you can see Jeff Probst’s initial take just after the first Tribal Council, an exclusive deleted scene, and my pregame interview with Nadiya and Natalie. And for more Survivor scoop, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss.

Okay, enough of my yappin’. Now it’s your turn. What are your initial thoughts on Survivor: San Juan del Sur? Who are you loving and loathing so far? Hit the message boards to register your opinions, and I’ll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy.