The Bachelor recap: Unbridled Brides

Now that week one is over with, we can get to the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean watching painfully awkward dates, picking out this season’s “villain,” and just generally questioning how far womankind has come in this world.

We start this week by catching up with the women, many of whom can’t sleep because they’re too busy thinking about Nick. (Or because they had to wake up and film this episode just hours after the first rose ceremony. Either one.) And when you combine a lack of sleep with mimosas, there’s just no hope for intelligent thought. Even Rachel, seemingly a smart pick to get behind, claims she wants “the chance to continue to make great first impressions” with Nick, as if it’s possible to make more than one FIRST impression.

Elsewhere, Josephine is bursting with excitement — so, nothing new — when Chris Harrison enters the mansion to explain how the week is going to work. There will be three dates: Two group dates and a one-on-one. And no, not everyone will get a date this week, so as Harrison switches into we-need-good-ratings producer mode, he advises the women to take advantage of the time they get. In other words, good ratings don’t just happen, ladies!

On his way out, Harrison drops off the first date card of the season for Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. The date has to do with always being a bridesmaid, but Corinne doesn’t get it, because shockingly, she doesn’t have any friends she’s never been a bridesmaid. But she thinks it’s because “I was just a natural-born bride.” Does this mean we should be investigating her family? Is there a chance their multimillion-dollar company has everything to do with child marriage?!

Once the women meet up with Nick, we learn the show has picked a classic first-date scenario to kick off the season. Think Wuthering Heights meets Casablanca. You guessed it! The women are dressing up as different brides and having their “wedding” photos taken with Nick! And you know it’s awkward when Jasmine, who brought Neil Lane to night one, thinks this is a big deal.

Thankfully, Franco Lacosta is the photographer of choice, and boy oh boy does he make this date something else.

As the women get into character, it quickly becomes a competition of who looks “oh my god you look so sexy”-est. After all, the woman who has the most chemistry with Nick — according to Franco — will win a super-top-secret prize that is without a doubt more time with Nick.

Sadly for Alexis, she’s been chosen as the shotgun bride, and much to her surprise, that does not mean she gets to look sexy and hold a shotgun. Instead, she gets to sport a baby bump — but to level the playing field, they still give her a gun, because nothing says “sexy” like a violent pregnant woman.

Meanwhile, Corinne is staying focused on the fact she was the first to kiss Nick, and therefore, she intends to be “full of number ones” this season. After all, “It’s better than number two. Or going number two.” At least that’s what her nanny always told her about going potty.

While Corinne wages psychological warfare on Taylor — or so Taylor says — she gets ready in her tiny bikini because she’s a…swimwear model bride? Either way, all Corinne knows is she’s looking hot…until Brittany walks in.

Lucky Brittany over here gets to be the Eve to Nick’s Adam, which means wearing nothing but a bikini bottom made out of leaves. As for Corinne, she’ll be playing the part of the serpent, doing her best to ruin everything for women everywhere.

First up in the photo shoot is the Vegas wedding between Nick and Sarah, where someone needs to explain to Nick you don’t get down on one knee and propose once you’ve gotten married. At this point, he’s just done it so many times he can’t stop!

And here’s where Franco takes the situation from worse to oh-my-god-stop-talking as he narrates the photo shoot: “Who’s been naughty in Las Vegas? Somebody needs a little spanking.” I feel like we’re learning so much about Franco in this moment.

After Vegas, we get a biker wedding, which is a natural transition to Alexis and Nick’s shotgun wedding, where Nick’s response to seeing Alexis in her dress for the first time is the kind of groom-bride moment she’ll never forget. To quote Nick: “Wow, you brought a gun; good for you!”

Things only get classier from there as Nick poses BETWEEN ALEXIS’ LEGS as if he’s delivering the baby at the wedding and Franco snaps some photos while quoting Salt-N-Pepa. In related news, I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.

NEXT: Corinne strips down

Actually, I spoke too soon, because the next wedding has bridesmaids, a.k.a. the women the show’s decided don’t have a chance in hell of winning Nick’s heart — but they had to include them on this date anyway. And here is where all the kissing begins. Bridesmaids are kissing Nick, brides are kissing Nick, and 100 percent of them are things I wish I’d never seen.

But things reach peak awkward when Lacey kisses Nick and exclaims, “Tastes like Danielle.” Only question: How do you know what Danielle tastes like?

Franco, loving life, proves his shirt isn’t the only thing that can yell when he forces Taylor to tell Nick how she “feels” about him after they met YESTERDAY. Taylor claims she’s starting to like Nick “a lot” — which translates to “you look really hot today” — and then Franco orders them to kiss. According to Franco, he can do that because “I know you from before time.” Suddenly, Franco just became the most interesting person on this show.

And finally, we’ve made it to the Adam and Eve wedding, where Corinne decides she would’ve been better for that outfit because “that’s more me,” she says, not realizing she just admitted she’s far more likely to be tricked by a serpent than anyone else here.

Speaking of Corinne, her wedding takes place IN the pool and based on how she’s slurring her words, I can only guess her theme is the Quickly Annulled Marriage? Once in the pool, Corinne begins undressing her new husband before she tells him they’re going to “Janet Jackson it.” Translation: Her sexual assault charges from last week are now even more serious. First, she attacks Nick with her lips and now, she grabs his hands and places them on her “bare bosoms.” In other news, Corinne apparently has multiple bosoms.

At the end of the day, Franco chooses Corinne as the winner because he’s a bit of a perv according to Corinne, she was “daring” enough to take her clothes off. You say “daring,” I say “pathetic.” Tomato, tomato.

With that, Nick and Corinne head off for their extra time together, which thankfully we don’t have to watch considering she’s so drunk she just called her veil her “Nick Veil.”

By the evening portion of the date, Corinne still can’t stop talking about her big moment. “Nick held my boobs today. He held my boobs, okay? No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.” Just like that, men nowhere start crying at the thought they’ll never hold Corinne’s boobs like that.

Naturally, Corinne pulls Nick aside first because she didn’t just get to spend extra time with him or anything. As she tells Nick, when she feels something, she feels it with her “whole heart.” Or, perhaps more elegantly, “I feel so much.” Gotta love the “I promise I’m not a sociopath” path to love.

Nick’s response? Telling her she’s sexy, you know, in case you were wondering what Nick sees in her.

After a quick makeout session, Corinne decides she’s already falling for Nick, and she’s going to keep falling and falling and falling as her feelings grow stronger and stronger and stronger. She’s also going to keep saying things in threes.

The one moment of the evening I’m really bummed we didn’t get to see? Brittany asks Nick, “Whose boobs are better: Mine or Corinne?” And now we’ll never know.

Next up, Raven steals Nick away to talk about her past relationship: She walked in on her boyfriend with another woman, something to which Nick can relate. However, Raven takes that moment and stomps all over it with her cowboy boots when she decides to tell him, “I’m not calling you an asshole but I’m attracted to assholes because they speak their mind.” Woah there, Raven, don’t sweep him off his feet too fast!

But before Nick can talk to anyone else, Corinne — who’s now mayor of Slursville — steals him away from Alexis. “Obviously, my time is most important,” Corinne says, thereby demonstrating what happens when a child has a nanny well into adulthood.

NEXT: Corinne vs. Taylor (but not really)

Corinne brings Nick a shot — and maybe flashes some nipple? — before she explains to the women that if they can’t handle being interrupted, they shouldn’t have come here. And that includes Taylor, because just as she starts to talk to Nick about her psychology degree, Corinne interrupts for round three. I mean, she couldn’t leave Nick without saying goodnight, right?! Because THAT would be rude.

But Taylor isn’t going down without a fight. She returns and, according to Corinne, “re-interrupts” her, but considering Taylor didn’t interrupt her in the first place, Corinne is, shockingly, using that phrase incorrectly. Apparently, Corinne feels what Taylor did was rude, because the way Corinne goes about things is “very classy and not directed toward ‘a character.'” FINALLY, we get confirmation these aren’t real people on these shows!!! They’re characters!

Back with Nick, Taylor makes the most of her time with him by telling him he does this thing where he gets a thought and just goes with it and it’s super attractive to her. To quote my notes, “What the hell is this conversation?” The two of them don’t kiss, but Taylor claims “it was there in like the eyeballs,” otherwise known as the place where all kisses start.

At the end of what Taylor considers an “intellectually stimulating” conversation — a moment that embarrasses Johns Hopkins grads everywhere — Taylor feels Nick’s heart is coming to her and her brain…”because he likes it.”

By the time Taylor rejoins the group, Corinne is ready to confront her…by making sure she’s okay? Well, if nothing else, Corinne’s parents know those anti-bullying classes they undoubtedly had to put her through worked!

Corinne then gives the group a Coach Taylor-esque pep talk where she informs them that “you have to be there for yourself.” Unless, of course, your nanny can be there for you. Okay okay, I’m done with nanny jokes for the night. I think.

Nick rejoins the women just in time to send them all the wrong message by giving Corinne the date rose. And if you thought her slurring was bad, she squeals every time he hugs her like she’s a freakin’ chew toy. According to Corinne, today involved her stepping out of her comfort zone “many different times and angles.” ANGLES. Altogether, she thinks her father would be proud because all she did was literally be herself. Literally.

The next morning, Corinne is spreading lies about the photo shoot, claiming Nick just came up to her and grabbed her boobs. “It’s honestly just crazy to me the way I’m being,” Corinne says about Corinne. As for why she likes Nick? “When I was talking to him, he was like listening. Guys don’t listen to me.” Little tip: Maybe try taking their hands off your boobs when you talk.

As for today’s date, Danielle M. has the first one-on-one of the season, and according to her, it’s been a while since she’s been this excited to feel something/anything go on a first date. While she and Nick take a helicopter ride out to a yacht, during which Nick talks and Danielle smiles, Liz is back at the house cutting up some fruit while another woman lies dead behind her.

With her secret weighing heavily on her heart, Liz decides she trusts Christen, a woman she met yesterday, enough to tell her. And to prove Liz’s point, Christen says the one thing every blabbermouth says: She promises to never say a word about whatever secret Liz is keeping.

So, Liz tells Christen everything. So much, in fact, this chat involves multiple wardrobe changes and enough detail for all of us to realize the sex wasn’t great.

Speaking of Nick, he’s currently enjoying a little hot tub time with the world’s sweetest mute before they head off to dinner, where they’re both greeted with both a stemmed and stemless glass of wine. Talk about luxury!

After Nick gives Danielle his entire Bachelorette history, she tells him about her dating past: She was engaged to an addict — though she didn’t know he was an addict at the time — until she found him after he’d overdosed, which happened about three months into their engagement. It’s a story Danielle was scared to tell — apparently, she’s only dated assholes in the past who dump her after finding that out. But this time, Danielle’s managed to find someone who has no place judging anyone else’s romantic history, so she’s golden!

At the end of the night, Danielle gets the date rose as the two of them head off to kiss on the Ferris wheel because after all, Danielle’s love of Ferris wheels is one of two things she vocalized all day.

NEXT: Liz learns about the art of breaking up

Back at the mansion, the final date card of the week arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz. Instantly, Josephine is so excited she can’t breathe. She even has anticipation pumping through her BLOOD! Take that, science! According to her, she hasn’t had feelings like this since she was a teenager…so…yesterday.

On the date, the women join Nick at the Museum of Broken Relationships, because another classic first-date tradition is coming to the realization your relationship probably isn’t going to work out.

The museum is filled with relics donated by people who’ve ended relationships, or in other words, it’s made up almost entirely of J. Lo’s possessions!

As the women walk around, they find out the exact reason why Neil Lane hates Nick so much: Because instead of returning the engagement ring he got for Kaitlyn, he donated it to this museum! Trying to turn this into an inspirational moment, Nick tells the women that when he looks at the ring, he thinks of one adjective: hope, which is not an adjective.

During the museum tour, things are interrupted by two actors hired to break up in public. And here’s today’s twist: The women will be participating in a live symposium called “The Art of the Break-Up,” where each one of them will be breaking up with Nick in front of museum-goers.

Astrid is up first, and she decides to go with the easy out of “you’re dating me and all of my friends.” To be honest, it’s a better approach than Kristina, who seems obsessed with Nick’s dental hygiene, which somehow translates into breaking up?

Next, Christen outs some deep-seeded body issues before Josephine smacks the crap out of Nick for all of America. In her scenario, Nick’s addicted to alcohol as opposed to his real-life addiction: reality dating shows.

And then there’s Liz, who decides a tiny block of wood in front of a crowd is the perfect place to confront Nick about the fact he’s been avoiding her ever since she showed up here 24 hours ago. Remember when I said the photo shoot was the most uncomfortable thing? I WAS SO WRONG.

Liz goes on and on about how she wishes Nick would’ve fought for her — instead of respecting her wishes when she said no to giving him her number? — while Christen watches in disbelief. So, if you were wondering whether Liz wanted to have a real conversation with Nick, the answer is no. Because that’s not how you do it.

Later in the evening, Nick starts making the rounds, where he learns Jaimi previously dated a girl and Liz told Christen every detail of their night together. With that, Nick takes Liz aside to find out if she’s just here to be on TV.

Liz claims she never reached out to him post-coitally because she knew he “had stuff going on.” Also, she hates phone conversations. Yeah, Nick cuts her off there. At this point, Nick’s starting to form connections with other women, so he sends Liz home and heads back inside to tell the women everything. But just as he tells them about the sex, we get our favorite show ending, a big old “to be continued.”

So, now we’ll have to wait a week to find out how the women will react, and more importantly, to get an update on the birthday girls: Alexis’ boobs. They just turned one, and that’s where I’m going to stop because every joke I come up with makes me hate myself.

I’ll see you all next week! If you need me before then, I’ll be hanging out with Franco Lacosta in the hopes he can tell me about my past lives.