The Bachelorette season finale recap: Jesse's Girl

First, let me ask: Did Jeremy just get to hang out in the Bahamas the whole time DeAnna and the Js were in Georgia meeting her family? Did he refuse to get on the plane until he received more clarity from the woman who had already made it pretty clear she just wasn’t that into him? (Last night, on the season finale of The Bachelorette, Jeremy got one last attempt to win over DeAnna when she returned to the Bahamas after introducing Jason and Jesse to her family. More about that later….) Second, after thanking Loren Lankford for covering for me on the TV Watch last week (and recommending you check out her interview with DeAnna and Jesse), I would like to be extremely catty and call out DeAnna on that hot mess of a metallic blue minidress she wore to that episode’s rose ceremony when she bid adieu to Jeremy; I swear one false move in that too-short skirt and we would have seen her star-spangled banner. And finally, does all this talk of being in total love, knowing you want to spend the rest of your life together, and being each other’s soul mates after knowing each other for weeks — and not even spending all of that time together — strike anyone else as hard to believe? Yes, I know it happens. I give them all props for being willing to declare all that on national television, knowing the history of the show’s many failed past couplings. (And the After the Final Rose check-in with Shayne and London Matt did nothing to dispel my feeling that Blond Posh and Becks 2 won’t last the year.)

Okay, now to what was definitely not one of the most exciting Bachelorette finales ever. The crew (and DeAnna and the Js) left the Bahamas for a spell and headed to Newnan, Ga., DeAnna’s hometown and ”The City of Homes,” according to the town’s welcome sign. For the 5,375th time (although the first time to her family), DeAnna explained how she’s dating ”totally different” guys, a truth that would soon be crystal clear to the Pappases. Jason arrived bearing flowers for everyone and a basket of goodies; he easily won over the family, though DeAnna’s father wondered if his daughter was ready for an instant family. Jason, however, earned his respect by asking for his permission to propose to his dear Dee Dee, as no one’s ever had the guts to do that, according to Dad. And it’s something Jesse didn’t do during his introduction to the immediate family (dad, brother, and sister). He arrived bearing far fewer gifts and sweaty palms, but he did have a haircut! He didn’t seem to really impress Pop, who threatened to hunt Jesse down (with his son and large nephew) if Jesse didn’t bring Dee Dee back for frequent visits to Georgia. He also told DeAnna that he thinks Jason is more heartfelt than Jesse when he says he loves DeAnna.

Lucky for Jesse, he got another chance with Dad. DeAnna invited both of the Js together (shocking!) back the next day to meet more of her big, fat Greek family, including her sister-in-law, Yaya and Papu (my spelling may be wrong, but that evidently means Grandma and Grandpa), and aunt and uncle. The discomfort was palpable as the Jason-DeAnna-Jesse sandwich sat on the couch holding hands, and ”rad” was bandied about by Jesse and Jason (DeAnna’s rad, Jason didn’t feel as rad as Jesse). Yaya and Papu seemed to join Team Jason (though Papu realized it’s DeAnna’s decision), while the sis appeared torn, and the sister-in-law, who sees DeAnna as a ”free spirit,” was clearly on Team Jesse. DeAnna still seemed torn too (but did anyone else notice she brought up her ”no one dreams of being a stepmother” feelings, which she says she’s accepted, but did she really? Really?) And the snowboarder finally stepped up to the plate and asked DeAnna’s dad for his permission to propose to his daughter. (D. tipped him off; I just know it.) The sure sign dad wasn’t totally against having a snowboarding son-in-law? They exchanged nugs after a hug. In fact, Jesse exchanged nugs with most of the family. And not just normal nugs: ”blow it up” nugs!

NEXT: Take no for an answer!

Back to the Bahamas, where DeAnna heard that Jeremy wanted to talk to her. She felt she owed him some face time, instead of running away like Brad. (Man, could this guy be mentioned more in this season? His name got even more airtime in the After the Final Rose special. Talk about a lasting impression. And is there really such a thing as bad publicity? I’m not so sure in this tabloid-crazy world.) Apparently, Jeremy is a glutton for punishment, because last night he made one last-ditch effort to win DeAnna by telling her he had never opened up. I tell you, if that man had opened up any more I could have seen what he ate for breakfast. DeAnna tearfully let the hurt fly by telling him that she felt more for the two Js than she did for him and that if it was meant to be, she would have felt more for him. Triple ouch! What part of ”no” didn’t he understand last week?

Jesse got his ”last-chance date” first, and they flew to a private island (that is, private except for the camera crew). What’s going to happen between these two when the cameras and ABC’s bankroll are gone and their dates involve pizza and a Will Smith movie? To prove his affection, Jesse gave DeAnna a book of photos of them together, which I think is a been-there, done-that for The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

For Jason’s last date, DeAnna tried to push him out of his safety shell by diving with sharks, but it was really DeAnna who was scared finless. And to prove his affection, he gave DeAnna a board game of their relationship together. Now that’s original.

But not enough to change DeAnna’s mind. Though the men happily bought rings for the bride of their dreams (couldn’t Jason have taken time to shave? how close did Jesse come to hurling on the way to the store?), the board game was too little too late for Jason, as we learned in the After the Final Rose special. Our bachelorette had already landed in love with Jesse, as opposed to being still falling in love with Jason, or so she tried to say. All I know for sure is that Yaya doesn’t always know best, and I almost fell off the couch when DeAnna cut Jason off after he’d kneeled and started to propose. Ouch! Most painful moment in Bachelorette history? I can’t be sure. Or could it have been DeAnna telling him twice her heart is somewhere else? It’s definitely been the most painful-moment-filled season in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. For not wanting to cause the hurt Brad caused, DeAnna didn’t really let anyone down very gently.

Then Jesse rolled up in his fine, perfectly tailored suit (and haircut!), and the dude who showed up in a Day-Glo-splattered jacket, jeans, and pink shoelaces finally looked the part of a serious contender. And he turned out to be quite eloquent as well: ”When I look at you, the word that always pops into my mind is ‘forever.’…DeAnna Marie Pappas, will you spend forever with me?” Sure beats London Matt’s ”Monkey, will you marry me?” And Jesse got the yes he desperately wanted (so much so that when he talked about it earlier, he got all teary!). Cue the reprise of that great Natasha Bedingfield song for the landing-in-love montage.

NEXT: Jason’s parting shots

During the After the Final Rose special, Jason tried to get clarity from a teary DeAnna, but all he really needs to walk away with is all the ”awwwwwww”s the females in the audience gave him. He’ll find love, guaranteed. And if you’re reading, Jason, my 75-year-old mom wants you to know that you’re going to thank DeAnna for making the decision she made. She was so disgusted that she turned the show off as soon as DeAnna dissed your proposal. DeAnna said her thanks go to Brad every day for the decision he made, which she let us know after she left Jason with a few more ill-worded ouches and was reunited with Jesse and they covered each other with kisses and ”I love you”s. And though our D. says she tried very hard to not lead anyone on, like Brad, it could be argued, persuasively, that she led Jason on. The man made it down to one knee, after all (but he did get to dish out a little of DeAnna’s prickly medicine during the special, when he told her she never looked at him the way she looked at Graham). The big surprise that host Chris Harrison teased us with all night wasn’t that Shayne and Matt have broken up (which I guess wouldn’t be that big of a surprise anyway to anyone, but they insisted they’re still happily engaged) but that DeAnna and Jesse have announced a wedding date: May 9, 2009. ABC’s giving them a honeymoon to Greece, Harrison also declared, but I’m sure that’s not all ABC’s going to give them. Set your DVRs now for The Second Most Romantic ABC-Sponsored Wedding Ever (or will DeAnna and Jesse’s beat the extravagant Trista and Ryan affair?).

Well, Jesse couldn’t have played it any better: Friends first, then lovas. Be honest, my TV Watchers, did you really think she’d pick him? I never really bought DeAnna as a free spirit; did you? They’ve announced the wedding will be in the Bahamas, and we know where the honeymoon will be; what celebrity wedding planner will ABC hire? Or how many of you think we’ll never see this couple’s happy day? (For those of you who need more evidence of Jesse’s charm, we’ve reprised his winning DeAnna song below in Sound Bites.)