The Bachelorette recap: Revelations on Ice

Let us pause, Bachelorette fans, and appreciate the gravity of the moment we have just witnessed: The least. Dramatic. Rose ceremony. Ever. But, hey, we did get a pretty dramatic — if totally irrelevant, I am convinced, to Ali’s overall journey — two-on-one date. What I’m saying is: Thank goodness for Kasey’s tattoo, or Iceland would’ve been pretty lame, even with its historic volcano erupting.

We began our time in the land of frozen water with the guys trying their best (at the producers’ urging, no doubt) to convince us of the impending excitement of their trip. ”Not in a million years did I think I would come to Iceland to find love,” said one. ”I never thought I’d come to Iceland to find love,” said another. ”I think Iceland will be the right place to show her my tattoo,” said a third. (Guess who.) Then we learned the two twists of the week: There would be a sudden-death-type two-on-one date, from which only one man would emerge with a rose, and all the guys would have to write Ali poems to compete for the one-on-one date. God help us.

Date #1: The Grand Icelandic Poetry Tradition

Chris Harrison told the guys they had an hour to write their poems, and that they’d get ”extra credit” for including an Icelandic word. Without questioning what, exactly, ”extra credit” might mean in this case, the men dispersed and spent, it seemed, most of their energy accosting passersby to ask them for help with their Icelandic. Kirk at least showed some savvy by just going into a store and asking clerks — a captive audience likely to be nice to an American tourist being forced to write Icelandic poems on camera. Justin got dissed by most of the Icelanders even though he had crutches. Frank expressed confidence, having, he said, ”written a number of love poems in my day.” Chris N. surprised us with some fleeting camera time — seriously, who is this guy, and how has he blended in with the wallpaper for so long? — during which he shared the rather unremarkable thought that, unlike Frank, he had little experience with poetry writing. ”There’s a lot of pressure involved in this,” he said, showing not a hint of being under said stress nor caring in any way. ”Being on the two-on-one date, I’m not going to lie, that would really sting.”

Chris R., on the other hand, almost had a moment, with a cutely amusing little poem in which he spouted some possibly Icelandic (though more like German)-sounding nonsense, then followed it up with: ”I have a confession, Ali: I made up that Icelandic and took a chance/I will do anything to win your heart and to end this journey with romance.” Kasey, who apparently used up all his lyrical abilities last week on his freestyle singing, had some enunciation troubles. Even with subtitles, his poem came out something like: ”I’m falling for you, Ali, and I just want you to know/???/And I promise you, Ali, you’ll always have my/Chest?” (Really? No guarding and protecting? So disappointing.)

NEXT: Really, Kirk? Really?

Other rhymes for the (fingers crossed) Collected Works of Bachelorette Icelandic Poetry:

Chris L.: ”I want to take you to meet the fam/I’ll even make you some eggs and ham.”

Chris N.: ”Ali, I believe we need to go out/Heat up Iceland and head out.” [Yes, Chris, it’s true — out does rhyme with … out.]

Kirk: ”Los Angeles is where our journey had begun/And where I first noticed your adorable freckles in the afternoon sun.” [Bonus points for the later mention of her ”rich root-beer eyes.” Very vivid description, Kirk.]

Frank: ”Some time ago, I traveled overseas/With a girl that I loved, she made me weak in the knees/My heart has since broken, my faith in love torn/Then I looked in your eyes, a new hope was born.”

So clearly Kirk and Frank had the best poems — and they both did what no one else did, the walk-up to recite them while looking into Ali’s eyes. (As she pointed out: Did no one else learn from the Roberto’s Lion King victory last week?) Anyway, I’m guessing that because Frank already had a one-on-one, her mind was easily made up — she chose Kirk. (Though, in fairness, I preferred Kirk’s fresh metaphors to Frank’s somewhat contrived vulnerability. But that’s just me.)

I’m guessing Kirk got the date also because of the ”good connection” he had with Ali, as well as the ”great energy” she said he had — which seemed to all be code for we totally make out every time we’re alone. Off they went to purchase plaid shirts and matching sweaters (bold move). ”Walking around with Kirk,” Ali said, ”I feel like we’re a couple.” (Could it be the matching sweaters?) At lunch (or snack or something), they discussed Kirk’s romantic history, and he revealed he’d had no relationships longer than a year before adding, cryptically: ”I’ve dated some great women, people that I can’t say a bad thing about. But we can talk about that later.” Anyone else think it was going to turn out he dated someone vaguely famous? Like Madeleine Albright or Amanda Bynes or something? It was such a weird thing to say. It reminded me of that one time on that show Average Joe when the girl revealed, quite dramatically, that she used to date Fabio.

Anyway, that’s not what happened at all. And the revelation was certainly nothing anyone could have guessed. Turned out five years ago, he got sick from asbestos and mold in an old house he was living it. The whole experience sounded truly horrible — nerve damage, memory loss, stroke-like paralysis of one side. Another one of those too-real-for-reality-show moments, really. This led us to the conclusion — and this sounds totally cheesy, but I liked it and bought it and appreciated it — that he wants ”someone who can teach me. I want someone who can help me grow. I want someone to help me be a better person. I want this ever-forming relationship where it’s constant growth and admiration.” Yes, please, sign me up!

Obviously, he got the date rose. I was psyched for Ali that this guy was fun to make out with and relatively deep, at least by reality standards. Well done, Kirk.

NEXT: Ali’s ab workout: A story of inspiration

Date #2: Horses and Caves and Steamy Water, Oh My.

We learned there’d be a group date with all the other guys who weren’t named Justin or Kasey, though we only found that interesting because it meant the two-on-one would be Justin and Kasey — who’d become mortal enemies last week over the tattoo debacle. This produced the strange effect that all the guys were pulling for Kasey, just because they hated Justin so much. Thus they were suddenly giving Kasey pro-tattoo pep talks and strategy sessions. ”That’s why I got this tattoo, to be someone,” Kasey told Frank in one of these discussions. ”To be a man, to be a man for Ali, to be a man for that woman.” I truly worry for this boy. Frank told him, ”I think this is your time to shine. I think this is your time to send the wrestler home, back to the ring.” What, and give up the only chance we have left for profession-specific puns?

Unfortunately, we first had a group date to slog through. There were some horses, which Ty was good at because he is Southern. It also seemed to make him even more Southern, as he was suddenly saying things like, ”Oh, my gosh, we’re fixin’ to go into this cave.” So yeah, then there was a cave, and Chris L., having looked less than manly on the horses, decided to raise his testosterone readings and go first. He gave her his gloves, etc. Now it was a race in all things to see who could be nicer to Ali first, Chris L. or Ty. And, as Ali noted, ”So far on this date, Frank has been nonexistent. And that’s his choice. If he wants to sort-of fall behind, then he can, because I have other great guys here who want to get to know me.”

Anyway, I feel like talking about this all is more exciting than watching it was — it was a pretty basic, middling, mid-season group date. The most memorable part, even for me as a heterosexual woman, was Ali slipping out of her gear to reveal a turquoise bikini and that ridiculous body of hers once they got to the steaming-water spa place. Seriously, if I feel that way, I can’t imagine how the guys even function. She is the reason I’ve amped up my ab work lately. That said, let’s get through the rest of this date: She cuddled with Ty a little, shared some fairly steamy kisses with Chris L., and told Frank he better step it up and demand her attention on group dates if he wants to stay in this thing.

Then she gave the frozen rose to Ty. Because he’s good at horses.

NEXT: The fortress of solitude

Date #3: Unguarded and Unprotected Hearts

This episode was sagging a bit in the drama department — hey, it can happen to anyone — until Justin stepped right in with his wrestler villain skills to perk it up a little. ”Put it this way,” he growled. ”If Kasey’s gonna get the rose today, he’s gonna earn it.” (Cut to Kasey, looking like a vacant fawn.) The two went on Helicopter Ride No. 1 Million with Ali, this time circling the spewing volcano (heavy-handed-imagery alert!) before landing on a peak nearby. Justin continued: ”I do think I have Kasey right where I want him. I want him to doubt everything. I want him to doubt his connection to Ali. I want him to doubt his strategy. … This definitely feels just like a wrestling match where you pin your opponent, you get the 1-2-3, the bell rings, and you hold your championship belt — in this case, Ali — up in the air.” (Cut to Kasey, looking like a vacant fawn with a tattoo of a heart and shield on its hoof.) (And don’t even get me started on Ali being the championship belt in this scenario.) (Also: Really?)

The threesome hiked over to, apparently, the Fortress of Solitude. Kasey, god bless him, gave us the first ”guard and protect” (G&P) of the night, finally! ”I’m always going to G&P Ali’s heart. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve.” Justin, meanwhile, fed Ali some crap about how this journey will all be worth it, love will save the day, etc., and Ali came out of the Fortress of Solitude talk with him saying, ”The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal.” Of course, we all knew better. The tattoo came out. He tried to smooth it over with a bit about how it wasn’t so much about her as it was about how he never wants to forget being on the show, and ”someday I will have this final rose to give to my future wife. … I hope that someday my future wife will G&P my heart.” Ali handled it pretty well, all things considered. ”Thank you, Kasey, for being you,” she told him. ”That’s all I can really ask for here.”

Alas, she led them back to the helicopter, which was parked on some glacier, and lowered the boom: Justin got the rose. ”I think you’re so ready to meet someone,” she told Kasey, ”and I don’t want to hold you back here. I want you to go find her.” (Good breakup speech, actually.) It was kinda sad when they pulled away and left him alone on a giant block of ice. Even moreso when he said, ”I just don’t know where it went wrong.” Oh, Kasey.

Worse still, Justin summed it all up this way, complete with Evil Laugh: ”There were actually two roses given. One to Justin, and one to Rated R.” I’m guessing this blows up as early as next week.

NEXT: You call that a rose ceremony?

The Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever

Craig R. tried to make things interesting for us by saying he was nervous that he wouldn’t get a rose. And sure, he’s probably going to go by next week, but that was a nice save, drawing a shield and a heart in pen on his wrist and showing it to Ali. (It could’ve seemed mean, but somehow it wasn’t.) Chris N. totally flunked his final chance to prove he was worth the food they’d have to keep feeding him if he stuck around when he told Ali his grand passion in life was, um, Mexican food.

Roberto, who was noticeably under-present this whole episode, grabbed a quick ”we still totally like each other” kiss and chat at the rose-ceremony cocktail party. He also, incidentally, made his first (tiny) gaffe in my opinion: She told him, ”I would’ve thought you were too hot for me.” And he demurred by saying he wasn’t that hot. I say the answer — especially for a smoothie like him — is to say, without a hint of reservation, ”Are you kidding? You’re beautiful.” Mo

Oh, and by the way, Chris N. went home. Shocker.

On to bigger and more dramatic things next week in Turkey. But what did you think about this week, Bachelorette watchers? Was this the least dramatic rose ceremony ever? Did Kirk pull out ahead this week? Or Ty? How much longer will Justin stick around? Did Ali do the right thing in choosing him over Kasey? Does Craig have a chance?