The Bachelorette recap: Island of Misfit Boys

Welcome back to The Bachelorette: Boys Do Cry Edition! Isn’t Madeira Island beautiful? Des and her suitors sail in the turquoise water, soaking in God’s grandeur. “I want to go to there,” says one of the guys (Chris? Michael?), instantly earning 10,000 awesomeness points for making a Liz Lemon reference.

Apparently Chris Harrison’s plane was delayed, because it’s the Bachelorette who maps out the week for us: With five guys left, she’s got three one-on-one dates, and a special two-on-one date that does not require her to send someone home. Great, sounds exciting! Let’s get to it… Oh, bloody hell, what’s this? “I’ve invited some girlfriends from last season out to Madeira to give me their opinion on the final five guys that I have,” says Des. There is, quite literally, nothing true in that statement, but let’s just get this charade over with.

Hi Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley! (I guess AshLee and Lindsay were busy?) Grab your mangotinis, “ladies,” because Des is about to give you the final five download: Chris is “supportive,” Brooks is a “positive person,” but Des isn’t sure he’s “ready.” Michael is “genuine,” Zak is “adventurous” and “reflective,” and Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet,” but Des is still trying to find out if he has any “spice.” All rightie, boys, time to be objectified! Please proceed to the pool so that Des’ “friends” can inspect you via binoculars. “Oh, I like Drew, for sure!” coos Jackie, as she watches the shirtless Ken doll play basketball in the pool. “Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?” gripes Catherine, though Lesley thinks all of the guys “look very athletic.” Soon enough, the cocktails start to kick in and “ladies” stop being polite and start getting real by boiling the men down to yearbook superlatives.

Best kisser: Drew

Most successful: Michael

Most athletic: Chris

Best body: Drew

Best eyes: Brooks

Most huggable: Catherine’s boobs

Most adventurous: Zak

[Bleep]est [Bleep]is: Des claims not to know, but then ventures a guess anyway. “Probably Chris, maybe… They’re all going to be great lovers.”

Cool your jets, honey — the Fantasy Suite is still a few weeks away. Hop in your smart car, because right now it’s time for the one-on-one with Brooks. They cruise up the mountain and then settle down for a picnic on a peak fringed by fluffy white clouds. “What I’m noticing already is that things are easy with us,” Brooks tells Des. “It’s nice to feel that.” The Bachelorette agrees: “I like figuring it out if this will work outside… It is working.” Isn’t it, though? The duo snuggles and smooches as the clouds wrap them in their misty embrace.

After a brief detour at the hotel, where the stunted Accent Table of Doom delivers a one-on-one date card for Chris, we’re back for the dinner portion of Des and Brooks’ date. The specter of hometown dates looms large over the meal “I feel like my family got really attached to girls I was dating long term, you know?” says Brooks. “The last serious girlfriend I had, when we broke up that was, like, really hard on all of them as well because they get so invested.” And just as he did on their last one-on-one date, Brooks begins tearing up as he talks about how his family is willing to “sacrifice” for each another. Translation: If I get a hometown date, you’d better really mean it, lady.

NEXT: Stepping, skipping, running, retching

Oh, but she does, Brooks. Earlier in the day the duo had discussed coming up with “adjectives” to describe the feeling between “like” and “love” – the latter is not an adjective, but that would be too much to ask, right? To show her true feelings, Desiree decides adjectives aren’t enough, so she gives Brooks verbs: “stepping,” “skipping,” and “running.” (The l-word itself is a noun: “finish line.”) And as we all know, one of the first signs of Bachelorette infatuation is the loss of all basic grammar skills. Indeed, Des tells Brooks that her current “adjective” is “going into a run.” And that kind of scares the crap out of him. “I’m a little bit behind in my emotional process,” he tells Team Bachelorette calmly. “But I still have questions, you know? I haven’t introduced a lot of women to my family.” Still, he tells Des that he’d “love it” if she came to meet his family. And fireworks in three… two… one! (Des then kindly interprets the scene for the hearing impaired by acting out “fireworks” in sign language.)

The next morning Des arrives at the hotel to pick up her next solo suitor, Chris, who is just jonesing to make it into the final four: “I want to take her home very badly.” Michael, Brooks, Zak and Drew watch from the balcony as Chris takes Des’ hand and leads her toward a waiting yacht. “I’ll break those fingers,” jokes Michael, not at all joking. Once on the boat Chris slathers Des with sunscreen while trying not to drool. “The chemistry we have — it’s pretty legit,” he explains. “It’s hot.” They drop anchor on a deserted island, where they spread their blanket in a field of wildflowers and proceed to write a poem together. (Again with the poetry, Chris? Try to mix it up a little bit, pal.) They roll up the paper and pop it in the empty bottle from the kit Chris probably purchased at the hotel gift shop, and then toss their message into the ocean where it will either smash against the rocks or travel around the world and end up in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

At dinner Chris — clearly a student of The Bachelorette Rules for Earning a Hometown Date, Vol. 9 — is anxious to tell Des that he loves her. So anxious, in fact, that when Des tells Chris that she’d “love” for him to meet her family, he goes into fidget overdrive and accidentally kicks a side table, and the jolt snuffs out two of the room’s countless candles. “I was not expecting to be this nervous,” admits a sweaty Chris, who clearly picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Eventually, though, the poor guy manages to work up the courage to make his big announcement. “I have something else to share with you,” he begins, pulling out his notebook. Oh for the love of all that’s holy. ANOTHER poem? This one’s called “Individually Defined,” and it’s all feelings and words and emotions and realness and so on and so on and so on, until… “Our hearts are open, and in every kiss/I truly mean that I love you.” Say it with me, friends: And she LOVES it.

NEXT: Des crosses the finish line

Okay, Michael – top that! The prosecutor finally gets his one-on-one date with the Bachelorette, who meets him in town for a little exploring and necklace shopping. After a while, Michael and Des — simile alert! — take a high-speed trip down the hill in a toboggan steered by two straw-hatted badasses. “Love is a wild ride,” says Michael, right on cue. Over dinner talk turns to family, as Michael explains that his strained (and now non-existent) relationship with his biological dad taught him the importance of being a good father. “I don’t want my tombstone one day to read, ‘World’s Greatest Prosecutor’… I want it to read, ‘Loving Husband and Father.'” Though Michael’s last serious relationship ended when he discovered that his girlfriend was skiing the K-12 with some Roy Stalin-type on a mountain in Vail, he’s now Ready to Love Again.TM “I just have this feeling when I’m around you… it gives me hope,” he tells Des. But is he ready to watch some fierce señorita belt out love songs in Portuguese in the town square? Why yes, yes he is.

Onward and upward to the zero-stakes two-on-one date. Sure, both Zak and Chris say the date rose is all-important, the truth is it means nothing, since no one will suffer the humiliation of being dumped mid-dinner. Seriously, Team Bachelorette, what’s the point? Well for Des the point of today’s chosen activity, go-karting, is to find out whether Drew can “let loose” and if Zak can fight for her attention in a group setting. Gentlemen, start your tiny engines! Des has a “surprise” for the winner. Zak takes a commanding lead early on and easily gets the W. His surprise? Salami, crackers, and cheese in the middle of the racetrack! Oh, and the first one-on-one time with Desiree.

Zak uses this time… I won’t say wisely, but I guess creatively, by taking Des for a walk down memory lane via brightly-colored drawings: His bare torso from night one, the red roofs of Madeira, a pile of rocks in Munich near where he and Desiree kissed. She rewards Zak with a smooch, and then skips off arm-in-arm with Drew. Their chat takes place on a pile of tires, as Drew assures Desiree that even though he has difficulty letting people in, he’s ready to open the door to his heart, or whatever. “I’ve never had this feeling with anyone,” he tells the Bachelorette, albeit without making eye contact. “It’s like you’ve known me my entire life… I’ve fallen in love with you.” Uh-oh, Zak, better step it up — Malibu Ken is movin’ in on your lady, and he just got the date rose!

Which brings us to the rose ceremony. “The mood in the house is sheer panic,” says Chris as he frantically stuffs Top-Siders and giant yellow sunglasses into his suitcase. “Everyone’s packing, everyone’s nerves are through the roof.” Unfortunately, Harrison will only be offering dulcet-toned comfort to the Bachelorette, who doesn’t seem that stressed out about the upcoming cut to her guy roster. Perhaps that’s because with only a few weeks to go, she’s already at the “finish line” with one of the men: Brooks. Harrison can hardly believe his ears. “That’s amazing!” he cries. “I’m so happy for you!” Meanwhile, Mike Fleiss is pulling his hair out in the control room as Team Bachelorette frantically tries to dig up an ex-girlfriend to confront Brooks during his hometown date. Doesn’t Desiree know that she’s not allowed to admit to feeling “love” — using code words or otherwise — until the finale?

NEXT: The final four revealed

So I guess we should all pack up and head home, folks. Nothing more to see here — Desiree’s at the finish line! What’s that, Des? It’s not over? You can “picture a life with Chris”? “Wow,” replies Harrison. “That’s complicated.” That’s for sure, buddy. Let’s remove one piece from this emotional Jenga tower and get closer to a complete collapse in judgment. Des, when you’re ready… She hands roses to Brooks, Chris, and Zak, leaving Michael and his uncomfortably wide eyes to feel the sting of rejection. On the Pity Bench, Des assures him that he’s a great guy but the other relationships are “growing differently.” Even though Michael says “it feels like my heart just exploded in my chest,” he handles it graciously, telling the Bachelorette that he has “nothing but the most respect” for her and wishing her well. And you’ve gotta love a guy who calls his mom from the Reject SUV. I have a feeling Mikey will do just fine with the “ladies” once he’s back home in Florida.

Oh man, hometown dates can’t get here fast enough. Between Chris’ dad getting handsy with Des and the Bachelorette’s sneering, tattooed brother bringing the pain in his much-anticipated return, it’s looking like it’ll be a delightfully uncomfortable episode. As for this week, rose lovers, were you at all surprised to see Michael go? Does anyone have a chance against Brooks? And is it me or is Zak’s face getting puffier? That jet lag can be a killer, I guess. Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make this my desktop wallpaper.