The Originals recap: The death count rises

I have to say that having Elijah back in his impeccably fitted suits is like an oscillating fan in hell. We need something we can count on to lift our spirits, because the way things are going, there won’t be any characters left on the show by the time it ends.

Hey, writers, hands off Kol. He’s too pretty to kill off.

Before we analyze the death count, let’s do a quick roll call to refresh our memories. “Always and forever” is in full swing, thanks to Hope whipping up a spell to yank the dark magic from Klaus, Rebekah, Kol, and Elijah so she can absorb it herself. Freya helped her, so she’s on Klaus’ list. Josh, Marcel, Vincent, and Ivy are dealing with the night walkers, who want to separate magical beings into factions.

It’s just like the Hunger Games, but with werewolves, witches, and vampires.

The big guy Emmett wants the night walkers to reclaim the French Quarter as their rightful home, and he wants the werewolves to stay in the bayou where they belong. We know these guys mean business because all the Mardi Gras floats have been torn apart.

Oh no they didn’t.

While Marcel works out a plan for the French Quarter, Klaus helicopter-parents Hope, which really gets on her nerves. Sure, she bent a fork in two using only her mind, but wasn’t that a better choice than to shove said fork into the neck of her pretentious uncle who could have saved her mother but instead watched her burn to death?

Klaus recognizes his daughter’s crazy eyes and turns to witchcraft to help her. Freya hands over the bracelet Hope wore when she was young, certain that it will help ease Hope’s deep dive into insanity. When Hope puts it on, the whispers finally subside. Unfortunately, the metal burns her skin, and she’s forced to take it off.

As Hope rocks back and forth in her bedroom holding her head, Declan barges into the courtyard, irate that he learned Hayley died via voicemail. He’s not really buying that the brakes gave out in her car. And it’s really uncool that they had a funeral without him. He decides to drown his sorrows at the bar.

Elijah follows him there and pretends to be a well-dressed man who just needs a drink. He and Declan discuss their depressing love lives, and Declan shows Elijah an engagement ring. He was going to propose. Declan even goes as far to say that Hayley had one true love who was dumb enough to leave her. Elijah takes the ring and begins to monologue about his own past (big mistake), and 60 seconds later, Declan realizes that Elijah is that one true love.

Right outside, Lisina rallies her fellow werewolves to help rebuild the float. There’s no way the night walkers can run them out of their city. Keelin is there to help, which means Freya is not far behind. For the first time, she chooses her girlfriend over her family, and they nail colorful toilet paper to chicken wire side-by-side. As lovers do.

Speaking of lovers, I think Vincent and Ivy are about to be on everyone’s ship list! There is all sorts of side-eye going on, and flirty giggles. He really wants to make his move, but Ivy is all about the pending war between the vampires. She knows the witches will have to take a side. Ivy leaves to help with the float, and a creepy voice echos from the crypt behind Vincent. It’s Emmett. In the shadows. Threatening Vincent, which is a big no-no. Vincent promises Emmett that if one witch has so much as a paper cut, he will rain hellfire and pull Emmett’s “punk ass” out into the sun. Burn! Metaphorically and literally.

It’s all a huge mess. Lines are drawn. Emmett is a bully and promises a fight when the sun goes down. And Josh boldly tells Marcel that Emmett is doing exactly what Marcel did years ago. He wanted vampires at the top of the food chain, and they lived that way for decades. This has to stop, and Marcel knows it.

The werewolves continue to prepare for Mardi Gras. Lisina rambles on about how her mother was the queen of the parade one year as Keelin barely listens. She’s too busy watching Freya from across the room. Finally, Lisina gives Keelin the okay to shirk her current mask-building duties so she can spend time with Freya. A man walks up with a suitcase in his hand and apologizes to Lisina. Then a bomb goes off.

We add Lisina to the ever-growing deceased roster. Fortunately, Keelin was spared. Vincent comes rushing in and finds Ivy alive. All bets are officially off. Vincent mugs down with Ivy and later, in a room full of candles, Freya proposes to Keelin. Love is in the air! (Recap continues on next page)

Love may be in the air, but crazy is there too, thanks to those annoying whispers in Hope’s head. She is desperate to find some absinthe for a spell and tears the house apart looking for it. Klaus tries to stop her from doing anything stupid, and she blows some sort of powder in his face to make him sleep. Then she heads to Rousseau’s to borrow some absinthe from the bar. There she finds Declan (she’s happy!) and Elijah (she’s mad.)

With a simple twist of her hand, Declan falls asleep. I suppose Klaus needed something a little more powerful? Who knows. It’s Hope against Elijah now, and Hope is winning. She swipes her arms back and forth, and claw marks cut through Elijah’s perfectly pressed shirt. She rips him to shreds and then leaves when an agitated Klaus calls her name.

Poor Declan wakes up to see Hope somewhat killing her uncle, then he witnesses Elijah heal. He claims, “Something isn’t right.”

Aw. Sweet Declan. Elijah finally tells the innocent bystander that he lives in a town full of werewolves and vampires. Hayley was one. Klaus is one. Hope is one. Throw a stone in a crowd and you’ll probably hit one. Declan is angry at Hayley for lying to him, but Elijah compels him to forget his pain and remember nothing but happy thoughts about his time with Hayley.

You know who else is happy? Hope. it seems the incessant whispering stopped after she beat the crap out of her uncle. She’s very concerned about her rage being quieted by violence. Klaus looks at her and smiles. If anyone knows how to use violence to feel better, it’s this guy. The mentor meets the mentee.

Over in the square, the werewolves, vampires, and Vincent all rally together to face the night walkers. Emmett shows up with an army. Marcel’s group prepares to fight with wooden arrows. Emmett asks Vincent if the werewolves are worth dying for, and Vincent answers by surging fire between Emmett and his people.

Suddenly, the army disappears. They were an astral projection. Emmett begins to laugh, reminding Vincent that he warned him to pick the right side. Vincent realizes this is Emmett’s way of punishing him for choosing incorrectly. He takes off running toward the cemetery, where Ivy and the other witches are praying for peace.

I wish he had asked one of his vampire buddies to vamp him there, because by the time he runs up to his friends, they are all foaming at the mouth and spitting up blood after drinking something out of a silver cup. Ivy collapses in Vincent’s arms.

It’s time to put another mark in the death column.