The Real Housewives of Atlanta recap: 'Why's Kenya Crying'

This week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta LLC, we try to remember who is feuding with who, at what point those people began feuding, in addition to adding a few more feuds to the mix, so that when the old feuds grow tired—as if that would ever happen—we’ll have some new feuds to entertain us. Feuds! The gateway drug to group dinners where grown women sit in a circle with their makeup professionally done and yell at each other with watered down cocktails.

Really, the fourth episode of the season is RHOA at its stalest: just a series of meetings. There’s nothing like watching a show that you already feel guilty about watching and being punched in the face with every scene change that you’re just witnessing coworkers interact with coworkers. These people are being paid to be here, and if they have to say that they want to help two people make up, or discuss personal matters in front of 12 other people in a kickboxing class to continue getting that Bravo paper, then they will do that. It’s not personal, it’s just business, honey.

The closest we came to any actual emotion was in an actual business meeting where someone was actually questioning why a cast member on this show hasn’t been taking more meetings with President Obama. Andy Cohen, you’ve created an army of entrepreneurial monsters! So as to show respect for the performance plan that Bravo executed for us tonight, I’ll lay it out for you exactly as they did:

Business Meeting #1: Kandi and Todd meet with Kandi Factory Employees

Classification: Legitimate, if entirely mishandled

Kandi and Todd sit in the enlarged Barbie’s Dream House chairs that populate Kandi Factory and discuss how Kandi has “all these people on payroll”—Don Juan, Johnnie, and Carmon, in the other room—“and ain’t nothing getting done.” Todd seems to be the one pointing out that her team isn’t being managed very well, so Kandi recommends that he, their boss’ husband, go have a discussion with the team. Todd says that would make him look like an asshole, so they both go out to talk to them.

Kandi is a very successful woman and has made enough money to produce as many plays and purchase as much terrible furniture as she wants, but tonight seems like a pretty good example of good workers not always making good supervisors. What Kandi means to say to her employees is that they need to be utilizing Don Juan more as a manager and delegating some of his responsibilities so that he can focus more on leading the team.

What she actually says targets Don Juan in front of the group for letting the ball drop on some songwriting classes they discussed a year ago that he never moved forward with. When it’s clear that everyone is unhappy with the scolding, Todd says everyone is just too comfortable, which, judging by the people generally in Kandi’s orbit, seems entirely likely, but shouldn’t really be pointed out by the boss’ husband in a business meeting. So, all in all, pretty successful day at the Kandi Factory!

Business Meeting #2: Claudia, meet Porsha; Porsha, ignore Claudia

Classification: Introductory, in actual place of business (where “Casual Friday” is only bested by “Paternity Test Tuesday”)

We meet back up with newest cast member, Claudia Jordan, who still seems pretty enjoyable, in that I actually find some of the things she says to be funny without her informing me that they were meant to be funny via a series of blinks and maniacal laughs. It’s Paternity Test Tuesday on the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, Claudia’s new place of employment, which also happens to be the home of Posha’s paychecks, over on the television side of Dish Nation. (I almost mocked the idea of people wanting to watch Porsha on television… and then I realized. I’m the problem.) Claudia spots Porsha having her makeup done across the way, so she goes over to say hello, and the editors have a grand ol’ time acting like all of Claudia’s pleasantries are being met with silence and an excess of lipgloss applications.

And while it’s easy to tell that Porsha was probably being slightly more cordial than we were led to believe, she’s definitely being a little cold to the new girl in town, and Claudia thinks it’s because she caught wind of her friendship with sworn enemy, Kenya Moore. Apparently, they were quite friendly her first few days on the job, but this new attitude causes Claudia to say my new favorite tagline: “The shade is evident!”

NEXT: And you get a feud! And you get a feud! And YOU get a feud…

Business Meeting #3: Cynthia, Kenya, and Claudia go shoe-shopping

Classification: A social gathering of coworkers to discuss feuds

Cynthia strolls into a shoe boutique (all props to Garb for that prominent “GARB” candle placement) where she will ultimately not even consider trying on any shoes; she’s just there to lead a business meeting with coworker, Kenya, and newest employee, Claudia. Sort of a get-to-know-you lunch where the two office vets tell the new girl all about the office gossip. But look at that! The new girl already has some gossip of her own. After Cynthia talks about her run-in with Porsha last week, Claudia chimes in, “It’s funny because I’m having my own issues with Porsha.” Okay, we’ll have to work on the new girl’s segues.

She tells them about their awkward interaction and asks if it’s worth it to try and get together with Porsha and smooth things over. Well, it’s worth it to Bravo, and so it’s worth it to Bravo’s microphone, Kenya, who tells her to go for it. They do all seem to have a good time together, but that’s all mostly thanks to Claudia’s self-deprecation toe humor: “I have struggle toes.”

Business Meeting #4: Kandi, Phaedra, Nene and Porsha meet at the spa

Classification: A social gathering of coworkers to discuss feuds in bath robes

Kandi is taking Phaedra to the spa and invites Nene and Porsha to come along. Porsha tells everyone how she had lunch with Cynthia last week—the one she was an hour late for—and how Cynthia tried to hide her emotions through a combination of full-face botox and a “robot read”: “Honey, that’s where you just sit there and go off the list that your husband told you to go off.” I’m sure that accurate assessment is the result of many a sleepless night and an entire crumpled up legal pad of rejected lines in the waste basket for Porsha, but the new term is still appreciated.

The other women ask the status of Nene and Cynthia’s friendship and Nene says they’ll never be friends again (you wanna bet?). In fact they spend most of this scene recapping Nene’s various feuds. Kandi can’t even remember the beef between Nene and Kenya, which Nene acts like is ridiculous, but she can only boil it down to saying that Kenya is just not a truthful person. Kandi gives Phaedra a slightly remorseful look as she counterpoints, “One of the main things she lied about, we found out she really didn’t lie, though.” Oh, did you think that would matter, Kandi? Nene’s all, Nah, I’m sure Apollo was just lying about lying, and before she can even get the words out of her mouth, littlest sidekick Porsha pipes in, “I don’t believe him either!” The main result of Porsha’s demotion just seems to be that they’ve turned her mic down, which I am finding very satisfying.

Kandi rightly clarifies: “So, he’s lying… about lying?” Nene thinks that Apollo just apologized to Kenya and told everyone he lied to hurt Porsha, and okay, you know what, that’s plausible, because Apollo is the certified worst, but RHOA isn’t exactly Inception, and if lies are about to start living in lies within lies, then I’m going to have to very disgracefully bow out.

Business Meeting #5: Apollo and Peter

Classification: Shady as hell

Speaking of lying liars who lie… Apollo goes to meet Peter in an empty Bar One, and I’m not just describing to you my worst recurring nightmare. The only things that happen with these two are Peter saying a lot of things that you can barely understand that are highly unimportant, and Apollo saying a lot of things that you can barely understand that are slightly important. For example, Peter asks what the deal with this whole adamantly lying to everyone for two years thing is. So, Apollo clarifies: “When [Kenya] mentioned the whole texting thing, I didn’t know where it was going. How am I going to get out of this and how will I turn this around to look better for me? Because now you put me in a situation where I can’t explain it… you think that me and you had something going one, so guess what? Let’s do it. You wanna turn it up? Let’s turn it up. So I did what I did, and I said what I said, and I ran to the bank with it. I cashed out.”

Ooooh, so that’s what happened. All clear now.

What Apollo seems to be saying is, like, 18 reunions ago, Kenya was about to expose him for texting with her, so he flipped the script on her, and said she offered him fellatio in L.A. But what really happened is Kenya was about to (probably) tell the truth about Apollo (for less than noble reasons), so he just decided to lie about her, and stick to it, with the caveat of deciding to tell the truth if ever he had to go back to prison. And he seems to be saying all of this in the way of, “Once I explain this to you, you’ll understand why I did what I did.” No. You were inappropriately texting a woman other than you wife, and that was only like the 27th worst thing you were probably doing at that time. Get lost, Apollo.

NEXT: The Kandi Factory might need to add an HR department to the “team”…

Business Meeting #6: Claudia and Porsha meet at what could basically constitute a conference table

Classification: Orientation with the-opposite-of-Human-Resources

Claudia arranges a lunch with Porsha at a giant booth in a restaurant so that she can practice reciting Bravo lines on a not-real-cast-member. It’s a little amateur, but the kid does okay. Porsha is being nice enough, and then Claudia says, “I’m just going to cut to the chase.” Still working on those transitions.

She tells Porsha that she noticed a new coldness to her behavior toward her and she’s wondering if it’s because Porsha found out Claudia is friends with Kenya. Porsha compiles words together—“We are both being paid for, y’know, our intellectual, y’know, mind frame and our life, and our opinion on your life and your life…”—until she can get around to saying that what’s between her and Kenya is between her and Kenya. But Claudia wants a storyline wants to make it right between her and Kenya and Claudia. She says she’d love to facilitate a meeting “between two sistas.” And then, in a bold and hilarious move, Porsha just puts on lotion until Claudia stops talking about it. Literally… just puts on lotion and tells Claudia to smell it.

Day Off: Ayden plays with puppies

Classification: ADORABLE

Why is this not the whole show???

Business Meeting #6: Don Juan yells at Kandi and Todd in slightly varied tones

Classification: Inappropriate but productive

Back at the Kandi Factory, Don Juan marches into Kandi’s office to let her know that he did not love the meeting they had earlier, and that he warned her about how marrying Todd would affect her business, and now he’s seeing the results of it. He says he has no problem with constructive criticism, but he feels like all of the criticism is coming from Todd, and he doesn’t know everything that goes on in the business. And, of course, no one throws Todd under the bus quite like Kandi. I’m not saying it’s Todd’s place to have a say in Kandi’s business, but I am saying it’s Kandi’s place to make that decision and stand by it. But she doesn’t really defend Todd’s interference or offer any further explanation for what more she needs out of Don Juan.

Luckily, Todd has plenty of ideas. Don Juan goes to meet with his boss’ husband, and their meeting is much less cordial, but slightly more productive. Don Juan gets pretty hostile, telling Todd that he thinks he’s putting ideas in Kandi’s mind that wouldn’t be there otherwise, and lists off their list of accomplishments versus Todd’s: “Stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold and Todd Tucker’s résumé reads… what?” He even gets his own one-on-one interview segment, featuring him in an aqua dress shirt and vest combo.

But eventually Todd gets around to some reasonable criticism: He’s looking out for Kandi, and wants Don Juan to manage the team better, and not take so much on himself personally, so that when he needs to go away, he can, or when they need to work on multiple projects at once, someone else can work on one thing, while he works on another, and oversees all of it. Don Juan seems to get that, and my mind almost implodes at an actual resolution. Don Juan eases us into it though: “I’m happy to work with Todd as long as he gives me the respect I deserve, and we put him on a step stool so that he can look at me in my eye.”

Business Meeting #7: Kandi apologizes to Kenya in a place of business, where non-RHOA business is taking place

Classification: Kenya weeps

I’m usually all aboard the Kandi trains, as just about the only voice of reason on this show, but she’s been spending a lot of time this season being the plot messenger, and it’s getting a little ridiculous. Kandi goes to meet Kenya at a kickboxing class—a group class, mind you, so while most of this is going down, there are 10 other people in the room just trying to get their resting heart rate up—and apologizes for believing Apollo’s lie for so long. It’s a nice apology and Kenya really seems to appreciate it; and then Kandi says the six words that no one wants to hear: “I’m just being honest with you.”

She tells Kenya about the spa conversation where Nene and Porsha said they think Apollo is lying. Kandi apparently thinks that Kenya will just shrug it off, but Kenya gets very upset and storms to the bathroom, where Kandi follows her in and we quickly see it’s only made for one person before Kenya pushes the cameras out. What follows is my very favorite kind of reality TV scene: a shot of a closed door with audio. Kenya says she’s sick of them always trying to make her look bad and can’t believe that they would continue to act as though she propositioned a married man after Apollo admitted that he lied: “I’m not the f–king liar. That man is a f–king criminal! Clearly, something is f–king wrong with him!”

And finally, “It’s just evil. They’re evil, Kandi.”

Next week: First GROUP DINNER of the season… things should go well!

So what did you think of tonight’s office shenanigans? Was Don Juan out of place speaking to Kandi and Todd the way he did? Or was Todd out of place for speaking on Kandi Factory business? Will Kandi ever stop letting everyone get away with everything? Is it possible Apollo is lying about lying? Feel free to place some bets about next week’s board meeting group dinner in the comments.