'Judgy Eyes and Tahitian Skies'

Props to whoever named this episode. While it’s perfect for the episode, it also sounds like an ’80s synth pop double bill, which makes me love it even more. Down to business. Meghan “#ZOMGParentingIsHARD” Edwards and step-daughter Hayley are setting up for Meghan’s game night, though Hayley won’t stick around. “I have better plans,” the teen sneers. “You always say that, then want to go out at 11 o’clock,” Meghan says. Wait, out where? To a bar? Where is this child going at 11 p.m. on school nights?? After the homework debacle that saw Meghan forced to use a calculator and her smart glasses, Meghan made some rules for the house: “guidelines to respect the home.” This ought to be good.

First up, “We will take turns going to the grocery store.” Well, this just sounds like Meghan’s lazy. Then Meggers whines about having to “do Hayley’s dirty work” of turning off the pool heater. I used to install pools and heaters—you literally flip a switch to turn off the heater. Unsure where the “dirty work” comes in here. Lastly, Hayley’s curfew will be midnight, which causes Hayley to make a face as though someone just served her a plate of vomit for dinner. How dare you cage this social butterfly, Megs. Let her fly free. Hayley announces she will wait for Jim Edmonds to come back to get these absurd “guidelines” overturned. Smart.

Heather and Terry Dubrow are in the back of some limo when Heather asks to hear her favorite sound: a bottle of champers opening. Terry (and I) want to know what we’re celebrating. “Spending money?” he grins. No, the fact that they’re alone! Any time without the kids is like a mini-vacation, Heather explains. Okay, so where are you going? To upscale boutiques to buy expensive things… So Terry was right all along. I suspect Heather’s actual favorite sound is the swipe of her Black Amex card.

First stop is some clothing store where there are very few items so you know each item is, like, $2 million. Heather would like you to know she NEEDS this shopping excursion. You see, all Heather’s current free time is spent buying “wallpaper, flooring, tile, stone, and doorknobs” for their new universe home. “It’s all so boring, so I’m really happy to spend money on something other than the house!” To summarize: Spending money is so hard the only way to mitigate all the spending is to spend more money in different ways. Please pour out some of your methode champenoise in honor of Heather’s plight.

Terry and Heather have a quick back and forth where we learn that Terry thinks T-shirts should cost $50. Each. Heather laughs at this, saying Terry would hate the quality of a T-shirt that only costs $50. At this point, I shout “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HEATHER,” at my stack of Old Navy T-shirts in the corner.

It’s game night at the Edmonds’ household, which means that Meghan’s hired not one but two game night hosts. There’s also a slew of caterers and bartenders, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Meghan hired a coat check girl to stand in the closet. Lizzie from last season arrives first and inquires as to the whereabouts of everyone’s favorite jerkface, Jim Edmonds. Turns out when Meghan planned this night, Jim Edmonds said he could be there, but then Jim Edmonds probably thought about how annoying this would all be and said he had to be in St. Louis. So he ain’t coming. Bummer.

Everyone else files in, including Shannon Beador. Her first words? “Oh, you got a bar set up?! Nice!” Atta girl, Shan. Once properly vodka’d, Shannon and Lizzie from last season gossip in hushed whispers about Jim Edmonds’ absence and what that means to Meghan’s marriage. Shannon can’t get over that Meghan would host this night alone, but I can’t get over that she would stay married to David, so I guess incredulity is in the eye of the beholder.

Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks arrive, with Vicki telling him this will not be a long visit before the door has even shut. The hosts are setting up a newlywed-style game, but it’s taking too long for Vicki, who snores to show everyone this is all beneath her. We’re then treated to a montage of Vicki being a real a–hole to people by snoring while they’re trying to talk to her. Imagine if someone did that to Vicki? The ole “fun bus” would blow a gasket. Meghan and I agree for the first time about anything: “Vicki is classless and rude.”

The game starts and Shannon gets to say dated phrases, including, “make whoopie.” Out comes a softball question: Is your partner more or less romantic than a week after you got married? Anyone with half a brain cell knows the answer. You write down “more.” No matter what. Guess the only dolt who wrote “less.” If you said David “Can’t Keep It in His Pants” Beador, you win! “Are you serious?” asks Shannon. “I’m going to cry right now. So…thanks.” Yikes, David. Someone pick him up the CliffsNotes guide to Treating Women Like Human Beings.

Vicki’s still whining about wanting to go home. “I want my pajamas and my slippers and my blankie and I want to curl up and suck my thumb because I’m a big baby.” Well, some of that I added in for effect, but it’s not that far off. She trots out travel timetables of when she was where and honestly, Vicki, who the f— cares? If you go to someone’s event, you go. If you don’t want to be there, don’t go. To show up like a toddler who missed nap time is obnoxious. Where’s the “whoop it up” lady who likes to dance on bars? “It’s a work night,” Vicki snaps, and leaves. Bye, Felicia.

Meghan announces she’s going to get her first Botox treatment soon. A shocked Shannon asks us for a magnifying glass to find the singular wrinkle on Meghan’s face, then stares at Meghan as though she is a four-headed alien. Meghan: you will probably not find sympathy from 50-year-old women who would literally kill you and drink your youthful blood if they thought it would make themselves look younger.

Shannon claims to have partaken in Botox only a few times. Tamra Judge doesn’t believe this and demands Shannon move her brow before calling her a liar, though Shannon’s brow is pretty expressive so I dunno, Tamra. Meghan yips, “I’m going to look great!” drawing a prolonged, smoldering glare from Shannon. Accordingly, Meghan declares, “Shannon, you have judgy eyes.” Shannon’s taken aback, but her eyes get even more judgy. Shannon tells everyone she’s not judging, though moments ago, in her aside to us, you were 100 percent judging, so ease up, Shannon. With that, Shannon leaves. “Me and my judgy eyes have to go find my coat,” she mutters on her way to the door.

NEXT: We finally meet the Beador’s marriage “counselor”

Shannon and David are back at a Wyndham hotel to meet Tina Konkin, who is their marriage counselor. (Why does this woman not have an office?) Shannon thinks David’s sharing more, but when memories of the affair are sparked, things escalate. Tina says they are not in any position to be discussing David’s affair by themselves. Which sounds absurd to me. If two people can’t talk about how a life-changing moment has affected them without the presence of a stranger/mediator, then that relationship is doomed. It’s weird advice, so let’s head to the Internets to see just how qualified Tina is as a counselor. From her website: [Tina and husband Rob] trained for two years with one of Dr. Phil’s partners and were able to develop their own program through much research and studying.” So Tina literally has no qualifications. This explains nearly everything. Back to this hogwash.

Shannon thinks about the affair at least 50 times per day, though Tina the quack says she hasn’t “healed enough so when you get feelings and memories of the affair, they’re not safe to discuss with David at this point.” David also doesn’t want to discuss his affair then flat out asks what is the point of this session. When David starts making sense, you know something’s wrong. Tina says it’s for them to figure out how to move forward, though she says it will take two or more years to get back to normal. But I read between the lines and heard, “I can keep billing you fools for two more years, all while simultaneously racking up Wyndham rewards points, so win-win.”

The women now pack for Tahiti, which is really tough for Heather. Why? “Things really have to be tight because when you fly commercial, those bags go flying everywhere.” *Facepalm* “I love to individually wrap my shoes so they don’t nick, scratch, or transfer their color. Each item of clothing must also be wrapped individually in white tissue paper, too.”

Shannon packs her holistic pills, all while complaining about all the disses Meghan has thrown her way. Thankfully, one of these bottles of capsulated placebo covers all the symptoms, so she packs a bunch and yadda, yadda, yadda. Stick to the vodka, Shannon. It’s your best course of medicating.

Jim Edmonds FaceTimes Meghan, and he tells her he misses her and loves her(!!!). At the airport, Heather’s wearing a mesh shirt and bra that’s in no way risque, but Vicki’s jealous because she can’t pull it off, so she criticizes Heather. Lizzie from last season is also going on this trip, which is weird. Lizzie from last season doesn’t add much to the mix. Hopefully they’ll lose her between islands. The women get in their first class seats and get their gratis alcohol so everyone is happy. Seconds later, we’re in paradise, and I’m surprised there wasn’t a shot of these ladies clapping when the plane landed. En route to the taxi, they pass some locals playing ukuleles, which Vicki calls “banjos.”

Shannon is starting to get sick, which is unacceptable to Vicki. Night one is for whooping it up and night six is for getting sick, according to Vicki’s vacation regulations. Then she says “whoop it up” five more times in less than 90 seconds, my disdain for Vicki growing with each repetition. Shannon puts herself to bed, while the rest of the ladies go to Vicki’s room where they hate on Meghan’s metabolism and mockingly offer her bread. Then it’s off to the bar to hear more call-brand drink orders. ARGHARGHARGH.

The conversation again steers back to the void between Meghan and Jim Edmonds, and Vicki takes this opportunity to question Meghan in a disapproving manner, before scoffing to us that she’d also ship Meghan off to California, were she Jim Edmonds. Then Lizzie from last season asks why Meggers has a problem with Shannon. “I don’t get it,” LFLS says. “You don’t have to,” Meghan snaps back. Vicki also jumps in, but Meghan shuts her down with a curt, “That’s your opinion.” To us, Meghan says, “Just because everyone may disagree with me doesn’t mean I’m going to change my opinion. I’m not going to back down.”

The next morning, everyone packs up to head to Mo’orea. Tamra has diarrhea, so Vicki tells her, “Don’t fart. You have light colored pants on,” and Tamra agrees with this advice. THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF TMI. They get to some overpriced jewelry shop where Tamra dances to the toilet, while the other women look at black pearl items that cost more than cars. After Heather dons one stunning number that goes for $49,000, Tamra asks her what the threshold is for needing to discuss a big ticket purchase with your husband. Heather nonchalantly says it’s $10,000, which is like $1,000 to Tamra and Eddie and the rest of the world.

Someone turns the question around on Tamra, but before she gets to answer, Vicki jumps in and starts yacking on about how Tamra doesn’t work. This prompts Meghan to also interject that married couples share money. Then there’s a debate about what constitutes a “real” job, as Tamra does work, and Vicki continues to be a real ass about everything and put Tamra down. Not letting this go, Vicki starts talking about what she’d do if she were a husband. She’d always ZZZZZZZ. Boring. Snoring.

Somehow, the group manages to leave the pearl store without a major purchase or skirmish and finds their way to the ferry to Mo’orea… and the bar at the ferry landing. Heather applauds the arrival of cocktails and the women now play “what’s your most embarrassing moment,” which leads Meghan to overshare about getting her period at work. The mention of working re-ignites Vicki, who attacks the whole working woman versus spending your husband’s paycheck debate with renewed vigor. Meghan defends herself well, despite Vicki’s barrage of digs, and Heather finally sees what everyone’s talking about when they say Vicki’s mean to new cast members. With a final insult from Vicki—“If Meghan doesn’t work, what’s she going to do when Jim Edmonds moves on to wife number four?”—the episode ends.

Who do you think would win in a fist fight: Vicki or Meghan? Do you also pack your clothes like an insane person/Heather? How much do your T-shirts cost? Who’ll be the first housewife to cry in Mo’orea?