The X Factor recap: Tell the World that I'm Coming Home

Not surprisingly, it was a pretty uneventful X Factor results show! I still marvel that they can somehow fill an hour! Pepsi. Apps. Pepsi. Bruno Mars. Apps. I seriously wonder if the wardrobe department intentionally made Khloe Kardashian’s skirt seven inches too short just so her constant fidgeting would create the illusion of a plot.

FINALLY The X Factor realized it’s supposed to be a show about live singing and performing, so the final four pulled off an unprecedented Thursday night exhibition! Fourth-place finishers Emblem3 enjoyed rushing in to save the day with Diddy’s rap section on “Coming Home” (a.k.a. the Dirty Money song) while Carly Rose was perfectly suited for the Skylar Grey solo. Poor Tate Stevens just kind of stood around and Fifth Harmony fulfilled their fifth-wheel destiny on backups. It was all very bizarre but a hilarious reminder of how so-bad-it’s-good those American Idol results show numbers can be.

(Is anyone sticking around with me for Idol this season? Anyone? Bueller? Ferris Bueller will join me.)

No mid-episode elimination this time; instead, Fifth Harmony was announced SAFE! Britney, caught 500 miles off guard while sporting a bold expression of disgust, said she thought Emblem3 would be safe instead. But they hadn’t been eliminated yet. Britney Spears can predict the future, y’all! I knew it.

Tate Stevens was through to the finals, too! Of course. What did Tate want to say to his wife? “We’re here.” Believe it or not, this segment ate up 10 minutes.

“I can’t even claim to have been a country music fan, but you know what I am now?” L.A. Reid wondered aloud. “I am a Tate Stevens fan.” Man, the script just keeps getting better. Happy holidays to all rapt viewers!

“I’m so nervous, I don’t even…… ANY of these groups back here!” stammered Khloe backstage while standing in between remaining acts Emblem3 and Carly Rose Sonenclar.

Oh good, more commercials!

“This is turning into an amazing. Night,” announced Khloe’s lipstick.

Simon Cowell seriously looked like a sad but cute pug as he waited for the dreadful final results. He barely reacted, as usual, to the fate of his group. “We love you, and we’re gonna continue doing music,” promised Emblem3 spokesman Wes.

“I’m gutted, really, for them,” the cold fish sympathized with his charges. “But I really mean this: You are gonna have a huge career on the back of this.”

I will definitely miss Wes’ statement baseball caps, but I think Emblem3 was the right choice to go home. Well done, America. “You. Nailed it.”

But are you happy with tonight’s results? Discuss!

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