The X Factor recap: Vino Alan, Paige Thomas eliminated

Another week, another nearly unbearable results show! Thanks to Girl On Fiyahhhhhh Alicia Keys for saving this one. Now that’s how you do an over-the-top X Factor stage circus featuring obnoxious graphics, a slew of backup dancer/acrobats, and flames. The ability to keep one’s powerhouse vocal on pitch also didn’t hurt!

Two of the Top 8 Acts were treated to a healthy dream-crushing this week. Paige Thomas‘ exit received such little fanfare that I wondered if not one viewer had voted for her after Wednesday’s Rickroll after all. Paige said she had “bigger things to do, and better things” at home, and as of now she still has “HAVE FAITH” stenciled on her nails “to kind of remind me,” so it seems like she’ll be fine. How awkward and stilted are those moments when the mentors join the booted contestants onstage? Especially with Demi Lovato and L.A. Reid tonight — there’s so much distance and weirdness between them and the acts, it’s like they’ve never even met. So uncomfortable. But let’s move on.

I very much enjoyed Britney Spears’ polite golf clap as CeCe Frey and Emblem3 were announced as safe. I’m only pretty sure it was Britney though. Does anyone else think her secret agent hat was the best thing she’s brought to the table all season? It made her “that’s nice, but where am I?” facial expressions more mysterious than ever.

Eventually, 13-year-old Diamond White and super old person Vino Alan had to “sing for survival.” Vino’s bottom placement was somewhat surprising considering he’s ranked third throughout the voting portion of the season, but I think everyone can agree his “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” performance last night was all wrong. Ray LaMontagne’s “Trouble,” however, was the perfect song choice for His Raspiness, and he looked so much more in his element in a plain T, hat, and various beads and chains to go along with his dog tags. As Mario Lopez said, Vino was certainly “letting it all hang out.” I don’t know why, but ewwww, Mario.

NEXT: The Top 6 ranked by viewer votes Diamond’s vocals were quite shaky at times during Beyonce’s “I Was Here,” but it didn’t matter because three of the judges — Britney, Demi, and Simon — voted against Vino in a no-nonsense fashion (again, the hat). Some piece of crap bleeped out Simon using term “crap” to express faux indecision about who he’d send home. We may never know the true extent of his inner turmoil! Twice during the episode, Vino insisted “America didn’t get to hear what I had.” I hope he’s at least happy with that true-to-himself final number. Then Vino warned America, “Unfortunately, I can’t stop making music,” which was a fun little threat to end on. One for the road!

I’ll sort of miss the evil intonation/expression Mario Lopez would always take on whenever he had to say “Vino Alan.”

SORT OF.

Season 1 runner-up Josh Krajcik returned! He sounded really good (up until the end when the growls become overbearing/he wore himself out?) on his new single “One Thing She’ll Never Know,” but I could barely make him out in the thick red haze permeating the stage. I guess that was an artistic choice, but I found it annoying. Why intentionally obscure a guest?

THIS WEEK’S RANKING

1. Carly Rose Sonenclar

2. Tate Stevens

3. Emblem3

4. Fifth Harmony

5. CeCe Frey

6. Diamond White

In conclusion, I really hope Alicia Keys was giving Mario Lopez a wet will here.

Suckahhhhhhh!

Did the right two acts go home? Are you Googling up some fashion hats right now? Discuss.

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