Two and a Half Men recap: Band Of Sold

Ashton Kutcher may be a newly single man, but last night’s Two and a Half Men certainly started in old familiar territory: with a dick joke. “Can I ask you a question?” Jake asked as he strolled through a supermarket aisle of non-name-brand cereals. Get me the Oat Blenders, yo! “No Jake, I’ve never measured my penis,” Walden replied. Har-har.

Penis advice, however, was not what Jake desired. It was gainful employment. “If you have so much money, why do you do your own grocery shopping?” he asked. “You could just write a list and hire someone to do it for you. You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter with a valid driver’s license and no chance of getting into college?” Okay, so he’s not exactly aiming for the stars, but it’s better than being Alan.

Walden declined, because grocery shopping was one of his new post-divorce empowerment hobbies. Also, the supermarket is really the only place where you frequently meet insanely attractive and stylish British women who don’t know the difference between organic and grass-fed beef. Ask the clerk, lady! Walden gave her the long answer and sent her on her way, leaving Jake with no choice but to state the obvious: “She was totally hitting on you. You should ask her out.” He did, and it worked. Side note: Has Walden not yet realized that his good looks and billion dollars are a hit with the ladies?

Over at Chez Walden, Alan was trying to pay his bills with a game of credit card roulette called “seven card screwed.” And from the looks of things, yes — Alan was totally screwed. “I hate to do it, but I could ask Walden for a short-term loan,” he said. Berta was rightfully aghast, and temporarily dropped her eternal smartass routine to provide some real insight. “Don’t you have any pride at all?” she wondered. “Why do you think he’s letting you stay here? Because he likes having at least one person in his life that doesn’t want anything from him.” Besides free room and board, I guess.

NEXT: Down here. At the pawn shop.

Walden and Jake returned from their shopping trip, and when Walden saw Alan with his credit cards he remembered that he had 250,000 now-unusable flier miles. Because of his private jet. Are you punching your TV yet? Go get a job as a billionaire internet tycoon! I hear they’re hiring.

Or you could just bring your old ’90s computer to a pawn shop owned by Mike from Breaking Bad like Alan did. “I’m desperate,” Alan said. Mike wasn’t swayed. “In my store room I’ve got a couple of wheelchairs, a fishbowl full of glass eyes, and a boy in a bubble bag. To be clear, they took the boy out of the bubble and sold me the bag.” Times are tough, man. Alan tried to pawn some precious diamond cuff links that Evelyn got him for a college graduation present, but those were fake. He finally succeeded in garnering $1,200 for a vase, then instantly knocked it over in a fit of excitement.

Next, it was officially date night. Walden gave Jake a crisp $100 for fart-proofing his car, and Alan was pitifully jealous. “For $100 I’d lick your car clean!” he said. He redeemed himself when he earnestly told Walden that leaving his wedding ring on would be an instant red flag, then became Alan again when Walden handed over the goods. (Rhodium and platinum goods, to be specific.) “It’s the most expensive metal in the world,” Walden explained. At this point, it was time to prepare for the worst. “My precious!” Alan squealed.

At the restaurant, Walden rocked a silly bow-tie while Zoe stunned in red. Seriously, she looked incredible and that dress was totally wasted on a male-dominated primetime audience. Recycle it on Revenge, please. Walden didn’t appreciate Zoe either — he started talking about Bridget at the midway point between bread and appetizers. “You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?” Zoe said. “You really are bright, I thought it was just your accent!” Walden replied. So the ring was off, but the emotions were still there. End of date, right? WRONG! It gets worse.

Zoe mentioned that she had a kid, to which Walden replied: “I always wanted to have kids, but Bridget insisted that we already had one. Me.” This, as you can imagine, was not a turn-on. “I can see that,” she deadpanned. He took her home, and tried his best to come inside to meet her daughter. “I’m sure she’s still up, but no,” she said. Wow, Walden can’t take a hint. “You seem like a really sweet guy, but I think you’re still kind of married to your Bridget,” she finally said when he wouldn’t go away. “No I’m not, I haven’t been wearing my ring for almost three hours now!” he replied. At that point, it finally sunk in that maybe it wasn’t time to start dating yet. Doesn’t he have a therapist (played by Jane Lynch) for this sort of thing?

NEXT: A gentleman’s (rental) agreement

So, for the time being, Alan was actually having a better time than Walden. He brought Walden’s ring to Mike’s pawn shop, where Mike offered a figure approximately the size of a phone number. That’s at least seven digits, folks. Pawning your friend’s wedding ring is definitely a crackhead habit, but to Alan’s credit, he did seem to think twice about it.

Later that night Alan found Walden on the beach, sulking over his date from hell. “Well, I might as well put my ring back on,” Walden said. My heart dropped. This was going to be painful. Then — thank the Gods! — it was revealed that Alan still had the crown jewels in his pocket. So Alan finally did the right thing, but it was ultimately all for naught. Walden pulled a Titanic and tossed the darn thing into the ocean, and even I was feeling the pain on this one. College loans, you know? Alan ran into the deep, dark ocean in a fruitless attempt to retrieve the ticket to a lifestyle that would never be his. “My precious, my precious!” he screamed.

Embarrassingly, Walden saw the whole thing. “I was going to pawn it,” Alan explained. “I needed money.” Yet ultimately, he just couldn’t do it. Walden, ever the forgiving guy, seemed touched by this reveal and offered a cash reward. “How much do you need?” he asked. Add this to the list of questions I wouldn’t mind being asked by a billionaire.

Alan refused Walden’s offer, but not because of pride. “I haven’t had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade,” he said. “I want you to think of me as a friend, and not a freeloader.” Walden replied with what everyone else was thinking: “You don’t think that ship’s already sailed?” In the end, the manly men decided that Alan would start paying rent in an effort to boost his fragile ego. That’s really great, and I’m happy that they’re finally laying off the Charlie and giving these guys a two-sided relationship to work with, but didn’t Alan have absolutely no money two minutes ago? Good luck collecting that rent, Walden.

“You’re a quality guy,” Walden said before they parted. I personally think that Alan still has a lot to prove before you can slap the “quality” sticker on him, but at least I can say that this episode was of a much higher quality than what we’ve seen over the past few weeks. It was the first time I noticed any real forward movement on the Walden/Alan relationship, and all three dudes were given ample material. Oh, and speaking of that third dude…

Ring ring! The phone rang in the middle of the night. “Oh, you used the frequent flier miles,” Walden said to the voice on the other line. “Where are you?” Uh-oh. “…I have no idea,” Jake replied. No wonder he was confused — Jake was caught in a green-screen Parisian cafe! Well, at least he tackled international dialing quickly. I have faith that he’ll make it back to Malibu in one piece.

So, viewers — what did you think of last night’s episode? Are you happy that they’re moving on, or do you miss the endless stream of Charlie jokes? Would Jake be the worst tourist of all time? Let us know in the comments!

TOP CHUCKLES

“Let’s just say I’d have more money than God if God only had $900 million.” –Walden

“Yachts are pretentious. I don’t believe in ostentatious displays of wealth. Besides, if I need to get anywhere I’ll just take my private jet.” –Walden

“What you don’t want him to find out is that you’re just one of those nasty little birds that picks the food out of a hippo’s teeth.” –Berta, to Alan

“A beautiful woman, British. She actually drove her shopping cart on the wrong side of the aisle.” –Walden, on Zoe

“That’s ridiculous, Dad. No one’s ever been to the moon.” –Jake, when Alan suggested that he use his frequent flier miles for a trip to the moon

“You look like the guy women fantasize about when I’m on top.” –Alan

“When I tried to kill myself in the ocean, Alan’s house was the closest one with a phone.” –Walden, to Zoe

“I’m a lawyer.” — Zoe

“Ew!” — Walden

“I don’t believe in lending money, I just give it away.” –Walden

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