Two and a Half Men recap: A Bit Of A Pickle

Jolly good, then. I must say, I found last night’s installment of Two and a Half Ridiculous Manchildren to be far more watchable than its predecessors. Why, you may ask? Simple — Walden took the reins, while Alan was demoted to a background, Greek Chorus sort of role with Jake. After nine long seasons, Alan’s woe-is-me shtick has become extremely grating and often painfully unfunny, while Ashton Kutcher’s Walden has managed to breathe some life into Charlie Sheen’s corpse of a show. Get a job, man.

If you can remember as far back as two weeks ago, and Lord knows I can’t, then you know that Walden went on a date with a hot British woman named Zoey. It went horribly, horribly wrong, as Walden was still in love with his ex-wife, Bridget. Well, one measly week later, Walden was officially ready to move on. He brought his divorce papers to a cafe, so that he could sign them in front of Zoey. A totally normal thing to do on a second date. He had issues securing a pen, but all was resolved when he offered $100 to the restaurant patron with the finest ballpoint.

Later that night, Walden and Zoey enjoyed a romantic evening on his scenic Malibu porch. Well, it would have been a romantic evening if Walden could stop speaking in a terrible British accent. This was probably a huge turnoff, but then Walden casually mentioned his private jet, so all was forgiven. “Do you like Mexican food?” he asked. Well, duh. “We’ll go to Guadalajara!” The new couple kissed, and Walden instantly started planning their entire freaking future together. “I think we should start making plans for Christmas,” Walden proposed. This freaked Zoey out, but I bet all she could think about was JET JET JET. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake watched TV.

Walden told the boys that he was totally over Bridget, and he sort of proved this by presenting a serious diamond necklace to Zoey. In his jet. To Mexico. To her credit, she turned it down. Too soon. “You’re out of your bloody mind!” she said. So, no jet-sex for Walden. However, Zoey’s mind was quickly changed when Walden admitted that he had gotten her daughter into a prestigious elementary school, even after said daughter had majorly screwed up her interview. (They found incriminating pictures on her Facebook.) Man, you can do a lot of stuff with a billion dollars. Zoey was so excited that she jumped into his lap like a horny cat, and quickly became a card-carrying member of the mile high club. “He’s about to descend into London,” she said to the jet’s pilot. “What a lovely landing strip!” Walden replied. Ugh, gross.

The next day, Walden mooned over Zoey to Alan and Jake. “I think I’m falling in love,” he sighed. Both rightly thought that this was ridiculous, though neither had the time to properly express this. The doorbell rang, revealing a majorly stressed out Bridget. “I can’t sign the divorce papers,” she said. “I love you, and I want you back.” Walden was perplexed, but ultimately excited to see the former love of his life, who had inexplicably dumped one of the sexiest men on television.

NEXT: Who will he choose?

Bridget took Walden upstairs for some makeup sex, and Walden instantly got cold feet. But don’t worry — he still found time to take his clothes off, making this the 308,493rd time that this has happened in 11 episodes. He left her in bed and ran downstairs to ask Alan for advice, which he should know by now is a terrible idea. Alan only gives advice that directly benefits Alan. But still. “My heart tells me that Bridget is the past, and Zoey is the future,” Walden said. Alan told Walden to follow his heart, until he realized that Walden following his heart might lead him straight back to Bridget. This would mean selling the Malibu house, which would make Alan an actual homeless person. “You can’t live your life in the past,” he said. “Go with Zoey!”

So, go with Zoey he did. Walden went back upstairs to break the news to a very horny Bridget. “You’re the ex-real deal, and she’s the next real deal,” he explained. “I’d like for you to sign the divorce papers so we can both go meet people we like better.” Bridget took the news pretty well, if pretty well is driving a Prius through the living room wall. We ended with Walden and Zoey enjoying yet another romantic date, while Bridget creepily lurked outside. “Did he break your heart?” asked a quiet voice nearby. Uh-oh, Rose is back! “Do you want him back, or do you want him to suffer?” she asked. “Come with me, and I’ll teach you.” Then both ladies jumped off the balcony. Women are crazy, right?

So, loyal viewers — what did you think of last night’s episode? Do you want to see more of Rose and Bridget, or should they just move on? Am I crazy for thinking that Walden is much funnier than Alan? Why is it so cold outside? Let us know in the comments, or I’ll find you and creepily lurk outside your window.

TOP CHUCKLES

“Man, I’ve seen so much crazy stuff in this house, I could write a book.” –Jake

“That’s a good idea. Have you got a title?” –Alan

“Hm. Maybe I can’t write a book.” –Jake

“What do they have for breakfast over there — a bowl of goodbyes?” –Jake, reacting to the word “cheerio!”

“What about getting a diamond necklace for a girl you haven’t slept with yet while flying to Mexico in a private jet is crazy? –Walden

“Cameron Diaz, señor.” –Jake, meaning “buenos días.”

“You have no shame, do you?” –Jake, to Alan

“Shame? No. Malibu beach house? Yes.” –Alan

“Maybe it’s the house. I think it’s haunted, like, built on an angry women burial ground.” –Jake

“It can’t be the fault of the men who lived in it.” –Alan

“Nobody says ‘jolly good’ unless they’re appearing in a revival of Oliver.” –Zoey

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