Two and a Half Men recap: Onwards and Upwards

Well, that was a welcome visit, wasn’t it? I have to admit that much of this experimental new season has been as painful to write about as it’s been to witness, but I was cautiously optimistic going into this week’s episode. We had Alcide “I dare you to clothe me” Herveaux from True Blood, Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development (“say goodbye to these, Michael”), and even Sue Sylvester from Glee, if you’re into that sort of thing. And you know what? I chuckled a few times. I did, guys.

Let’s start with the weird and gross: Walden started off naked in his living room (again), while Alan and Jake were doing, you know, nothing. Their sloth was interrupted by the sheer power of Walden’s massive manhood just as insecure Alan’s penis pump arrived in the mail. Before we had too much time to think about that, Walden found his divorce papers in the pile as well. Phew! But Walden (who was clearly not okay), insisted that he was totally okay. “It’s only the final death knell of the most meaningful relationship of my life.” Meltdown, ahoy!

Later that day, Alan found Walden burning his dead relationship mementos in the fireplace. He even torched an adorable stuffed monkey from their second date! “Burn in hell, little monkey!” he yelled. Too soon. Walden decided that the best way to move on was to pack it all up and move to New York. A clean slate, if you will. Alan, of course, was disturbed by this news. “If you sell the place, I wouldn’t be able to live… with myself,” he said in a panic. But, ever the impressively manipulative leech, Alan managed to convince Walden that a visit to Charlie’s old therapist, Dr. Freeman (Jane Lynch!), was the answer.

Walden was able to book an appointment pretty quickly, and he soon found himself learning some very uncomfortable truths. Mainly, that he married Bridget because she reminded him of his mother. “She did everything for me. I always felt very safe with her,” he said. About both of them. To his credit, he realized how sick this was and booked some return sessions.

Later, Walden and Alan went on a bro-date to the movies. Guess who paid? As they waited in line for refreshments, Walden noticed his ex, Bridget, hanging out with a drop-dead gorgeous werewolf from Bon Temps. As easy as it is to poke fun of Walden, it’s never fun when the destroyer of your heart starts dating someone really sexy after they’re finished stomping on it. Sorry, buddy. “That is one handsome man she’s with,” Alan gushed, not helping.

When Bridget and her Alex approached, Walden took to drastic measures. “Did you hear about my giant penis?” he taunted. I think that was penis joke three, right? Yes, that was three. It was a lean night. Alex, as we (and Walden) quickly found out, is also a saint who spends his life helping children in war zones. And you thought a goofy billionaire would be a tough act to follow! Alan, still freaking out over Alex’s good looks, was confused as to how Bridget landed so many hot guys. Did she have a magic vagina? He basically implied that he thought she was hideously ugly. Poll question — is Judy Greer really unattractive? Because, hey, I think she’s pretty cute.

NEXT: Bi. Curious?

Walden, now miserable, decided to drown his sorrows in fruity cocktails with Alan. Seated next to them at the bar was Judy’s lesbianic doppelgänger, Dani, and her porny blonde lover. Walden freaked and decided to become Dani’s new best friend, and clearly the best way to accomplish that was to lie about being gay with Alan. The boys played their parts shockingly well, kissing and stuff. The ladies were impressed and came back to the house, even though they weren’t DTF. Alan wanted to try to trick the ladies into becoming DTF, but Walden truly just wanted friendship.

Dani figured out that something was up when Walden couldn’t stop gushing about Bridget, but his sad puppy confession earned her pity-slash-forgiveness. Creepy Alan made some more penis jokes, and actually convinced the stupid porny one to make out with him. “Look at me, I’m kissing a girl!” he giggled. “You’re kissing my girl,” Dani yelled before decking him several times in the face.

In the end, Alan finally told Walden that he didn’t really give a crap about his problems, and only recommended the psychiatrist so that he would still have a place to crash. But Walden didn’t really care. He just wanted to cuddle with his “best friend” at the movies, in front of the astonished eyes of Bridget and Alex.

What did you think of the episode? How did Walden/Alan and Bridget/Alex wind up in the same theater twice in a matter of days in a city as huge as Los Angeles? Is Walden stalking her on FourSquare? Should this show be about Alcide now? Let me know in the comments and I’ll let you take me to the movies.

TOP TEN CHUCKLES

“I remember getting my divorce papers. It was a sad, sad day. Remember, Jake?” — Alan

“I wasn’t with you. I was with mom. She had a party on a boat.” — Jake

“Yeah, sure. It’s easy to find a soulmate. Heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn! Oh, look, a soulmate! Oh, jeepers, there’s another soulmate! Everywhere I look, it’s another soulmate!” — Walden

“Your brother ended up dead.” — Walden

“Well, yeah, that’s because a crazy woman pushed him in front of a train. You can’t blame his shrink for that. If anything, blame the crazy woman’s shrink.” — Alan

“Being a parasitic leech is exhausting!” — Alan

“My first childhood memory was my father disappearing when I was 3.” — Walden

“He abandoned you and your mother?” — Dr. Freeman

“No, he disappeared. He was an amateur magician, it was his signature trick.” — Walden

“Well, cured is one of those layman’s terms that we psychiatrists try to avoid. Hurts repeat business.” — Dr. Freeman

“I think you handled that very well, seeing Bridget with another guy.” — Alan

“Another guy? She’s dating Conan the humanitarian.” — Walden

“Do you think she’s sleeping with him?” — Walden

“Are you kidding? I’m surprised they made it to the movies.” — Alan

“It’s alright. If a man’s going to kiss me, I prefer that he looks like the son of God.” — Alan

“I used a horn from my toy unicorn to make a strap-on for my Barbie. Mom was not happy.” — Dani

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