Two and a Half Men recap: Jon Cryer becomes Charlie Sheen

Sing it with me, folks: “Mennnnnnnn.” Because if tonight’s episode taught me anything it’s that life’s most pressing problems, whether they lead to a complete Charlie Sheen-related mental breakdown or a particularly crappy installment of Two and a Half Men, all start with a jingle. Take, for instance, Alan’s meltdown — all was going perfectly well for our favorite “parasitic leach” until Walden started bopping along to Charlie’s Maple Loops song. And it all went downhill from there.

To Walden these Maple Loops were simply a fun and viable breakfast option, but to Alan they were something much, much deeper. For months he had been avoiding the unpleasant task of dealing with Charlie’s death, and hearing his brother’s old tune sent him right over the ledge. By lunch he was playing the sad Cat Power version on the piano. “One time I walked in and he was having sex on top of it,” he reminisced. “You can see where the young lady’s ass-print didn’t quite wax out.”

Seconds later, Walden’s movers arrived to take out the piano. He was finally starting to proceed with the renovations he discussed with Evelyn last week, and step one was sending the piano to a school for underprivileged kids. He discreetly sent the men on their way so that Alan could grieve, but he wasn’t happy about it. “So… I imagine you’re anxious to get rid of some of these painful memories…”

Alan didn’t want to get rid of Charlie’s piano, as it was the last keepsake he had from his brother. He was even willing to forgive the fact that it was filled with panties, a bong, and a vibrator. But even Alan couldn’t deny them underprivileged kids, no, that would be wrong. Walden called the movers back, but they didn’t get too far. “I changed my mind!” Alan screamed. “You can’t have him! Whyyyyyyyyy!”

They took it anyway. Jake came home late that night to find a mourning Alan pounding back some cold ones in the place where the piano used to be. Used to. They had a really gross chat about lessons from Uncle Charlie, and I’m going to skip that because I don’t want to talk about Charlie Sheen and STDs. The real “moment” came when Jake told his father that he didn’t want to be lonely like Uncle Charlie — he wanted to have a wife and children by that age. Aw? Also, it was totally Jake’s bong.

Alan went out to the bar, that one lonely bar they have in Malibu. The Malibu Bar. (And Grill?) He uncharacteristically ordered a bourbon instead of his standard appletini. Then Walden showed up and the cougar bartender grossly, overtly hit on him. “Can I get you anything else? A slice of lime? Peanuts? Breakfast in bed?” At this point I realized that Ashton Kutcher is actually too good for this material. Then I splashed some cold water on my face, but the thought was still there. I think that a character like Walden is pretty perfect for him, and better writing could make him pretty enjoyable sitcom fare. A slightly toned-down Walden would be a big hit over in Pawnee.

NEXT: Worst. Demon possession. Ever.

I digress. A younger girl hit on Walden too, and this one he took home. Alan was miserable about it. “I couldn’t score a woman like that if my semen cured cancer,” he mused. He then started muttering on the deck to Charlie, expressing his innermost hopes and dreams. “I would have given anything to be like you, even for a day,” he said. How sad! How terrible! Do you think that Charlie Sheen watches any of this? It has to be somewhat like watching your own funeral.

But hey, his wish came true. A beautiful woman came by looking for her dog. “I like dogs that fetch me beautiful women,” he teased. Alan never has self-confidence, so something was clearly up. When the woman, Melanie, asked for his name, he gave her Charlie’s and took her upstairs for some sex times. It was a one-way Freaky Friday.

The next morning, Alan and Walden dealt with their separate conquests. Walden showed his to the door (“Mr. Penis is happy!”), but Alan just showed his a good time. She was totally eating up the Charlie act, and at this point, Alan was starting to buy it himself. He drank the hard stuff for breakfast, and didn’t even bother to book a second date. Berta and Walden were freaked. Jake joined them when Alan strolled into his room in Charlie’s famous shirt to give him a Charlie-esque lecture on drugs and sex.

It was time for action. Walden intervened, suggesting a shrink, as Alan threw back bourbons and smoked cigars on the porch. “The only reason people are worried about me is because they can’t wrap their heads around how cool I am,” Alan replied. Huh? This was getting weirder and weirder. Alan told Walden his name was Charlie, and muttered “Who the hell was that?” when Walden left the scene. This symptomatology seems far more characteristic of demonic possession than it does of grief. I don’t know if a shrink is what he needs.

The next morning, the new Charlie jumped into the shower with Walden, cigar in tow. There was plenty of penis admiration on fake-Charlie’s end — gross. Now, Walden had truly had enough. It was time for a trip to Vegas. “Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas,” fake-Charlie advised. Well, too bad they weren’t going to Vegas! Walden dropped his crazy ass off at the local Malibu psych ward, Charlie Sheen’s real-life home away from home.

We finally left fake-Charlie in his bed in the psych ward, in what was actually the best part of the episode. Charlie Sheen “winning!” jokes have been stale for a while, but it worked this week. There was realism and shock value. They make fun of his character all the time, but this was the first time that they’ve actually made it clear that they’re making fun of Charlie Sheen. With Jon Cryer. In a psych ward. “I’m going to need a bucket of ice, a bottle of scotch, and two Asian hookers,” he said. “You know what? They’re small. Make it three. Winning!”

So, viewers — what did you think of tonight’s episode? What makes you come back for more? Does Jon Cryer do a good Charlie Sheen? Let us know in the comments!

TOP TEN CHUCKLES

“Of course I miss him. I don’t miss the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning.” –Alan, on Charlie

“This piano is pratically all I have left of my brother, except for all the DNA he left on the couch… on the floor… on the walls…” –Alan

“I donated the piano to a music school for underprivileged kids.” –Walden

“What? How could you be so selfish?” –Alan

“I’m sorry, I’ll just tell the kids they have to keep practicing on the painted slab of wood.” –Walden

“So we’re talking songs, thongs, bongs, and schlongs!” –Walden, when they found panties, a bong, and a vibrator in Charlie’s old piano

“Nice penis! You could paint a face on that thing and ride in the carpool lane.” –Alan, as Charlie, to Walden

“Uncle Charlie just never treated me like I was some stupid kid. He treated me more like a stupid person.” –Jake

“Do you have a number for this Dr. ASAP? He’s not listed anywhere. I mean, I don’t need him right now, but I want to have him on speed dial so if I do, I can get him as soon as possible.” –Jake

“He’s a bloodthirsty psychopath with a panel van and a rag soaked in chloroform.” –Alan, on Walden

“Thank you for the intercourse. Bye bye! … Well, Mr. Penis is happy.” –Walden

“You know how they say that marijuana leads to harder drugs? Well, the same thing applies to the human tongue. It leads to harder organs.” – Alan

BONUS CHUCKLE

“Winning!” — Alan

RATE THIS EPISODE: