Vanderpump Rules recap: 'Sur Goes South'

This episode of Vanderpump Rules could very well be called “The One Where Everyone Got Tanked Part 18.”

We open back in Mexico for Jax’s Super-Fun-Just-Kidding-Not-Fun-At-All-Birthday-Extravaganza! Everyone is WAAAAAASTED. Like nuts wasted. Schwartz is having trouble putting pizza in his mouth. James is opening beer bottles with his teeth. It’s real dark. It’s like a cuter version of Leaving Las Vegas.

As usual, the ladies all want to get naked and go skinny-dipping. Kristen bites it, Luann-style, as she runs for the beach. Katie asks if “we all touch nipples, do we cast a spell?” I’m pretty sure that’s not going to be the plot of Practical Magic 2 but that’s an interesting question.

Later, Stassi comes to Katie and Schwartz’s room because Kristen is being a drunken beast. HUUUUGE SHOCKER. If Stassi simply observed the rules of reality shows and did not go on vacation, she would save herself a lot of grief. Vacations are the equivalent of gettin’ it on in a slasher movie. So apparently this is Kristen’s routine: She goes to foreign countries and like wilds out. Stassi and the girls went to Copenhagen in the spring and Kristen was such a nightmare that they left her there and went to Paris.

But the more disturbing bedroom situation is over in Scheana and Lala’s room. We’ve all heard Lala talk about her anxiety. Well, now we see one of her cures: Lala likes to suck on a baby bottle when she gets anxious. She gets her bottle and some warm milk and honey and turns on the tube to calm down. It’s certainly a unique choice. I tend to favor a bottle of sauvy blanc.

The next morning the whole gang heads to a local water park. I just immediately think “loads of urine” when I hear the words “water” and “park” but this place did look super cute. Lala does reveal she now has a fear of birds, which is another interesting piece of the puzzle that is Lala. Stassi and Kristen start rehashing the night before and neither will really own up to her part of the fight. “It’s like having a member of ISIS in your hotel room,” says Stassi of being roomies with Kristen.

While they’re splashing around in the natural pools of water, James decides it’s the perfect time to tell Jax about Scheana trying to set up Brittany with (new cast member) Adam. He’s not super psyched, of course, since it’s his birthday weekend and he’s left his dark rubbing stone back in the hotel room. He asks Brittany about it once they get back to the hotel and she says nothing happened but she did hear that Adam had a crush on her. Awww how cute. In Adam’s defense, that is like the least sleazy thing to have happened on this show.

The gang all head to dinner and go to local favorite…SUR. It’s unclear whether or not this is connected to Lisa V’s restaurant. Sandoval calls her from the table. At first, she has no idea who he is and then is confused that there’s a SUR in Mexico. I wonder if Lisa had just had a few too many glasses of rosé. Schwartz is super jealous, though, that Sandoval has Lisa’s phone number.

Jax invites James over to play the drums at his apartment, which just feels weird. And then they discuss getting matching tattoos, which feels even weirder.

Scheana tells the same stories about Rob installing stuff that she has told previously. She loves that he’s so “handsy,” which is just code for hanging TVs. She’s super impressed with this TV hanging job he once did because she speaks of it like he fought off a bear with one hand tied behind his back.

Jax and Sandoval decide to go to the bathroom together — another weird moment — and he tells Sandoval that he thinks Scheana is trying to sabotage his relationship. Then, they go and pee.

Lala decides the dinner table is the best place to sit on James’ lap and tell everyone how James was bullied badly as a child. Seems like in between orders of guacamole would not be the time to summon up teary-eyed memories but go for it, gurl. James admits kids once broke his leg because they were twisting it so much. And then he gives an emotional confessional about rising from the ashes and explaining why he acts so arrogant. Then, hilariously, Kristen imparts this wisdom: “Be kind.”

On the way to a club, the gang runs into a place selling wooden penis flutes. You know this group gets in a few good toots on those puppies.

Then, they hit the clurb and Jax and Sandoval confront Scheana on trying to set up Adam with Brittany. She just says she was trying to be a good friend to Jax…by being a good friend to Brittany…by trying to break them up. It’s confusing to be sure. If only Rob were there to hang something and distract everyone.