Vanderpump Rules recap: 'Reiky Breaky Heart'

Zzzzzzzz — oh, sorry. I temporarily dozed off during this episode of Vanderpump Rules. I’d rather have watched Insta videos of Lala, Sandoval, and James at Coachella this weekend. Things were super snoozy…until the last three minutes (more on that in a bit).

We’re back at SUR and Jax is in the throes of his middle-finger breakdown bonanza. He storms off and strikes the payphone, which still looks like it would reaaaaally hurt. Sandoval actually questions whether or not Jax should be medicated. Shocking that Kelsey the Reiki master is not able to heal him with her rocks and forehead thumping.

The actual sad part about all this is poor Brittany. She just comes across as a pushover, but she is adamant that he’s a different man when they’re behind clothes doors. But it does actually make you wish she would find a dude who wasn’t so d-baggy.

Stassi and Katie sit around and blow up balloons for her Pucker & Pout party (I hope someone else is taking care of the candy and flowers). Stassi starts breaking down because her relationship with Patrick is not going well. Thankfully, they’re helium balloons and so she can inhale some gas and do a mean Scheana impersonation. Turn that frown upside down.

Lala heads to the recording studio to chat with James. First of all, I can’t believe that her showcase hasn’t happened. They scouted the location like four episodes ago. Second, she refers to herself as a “slutty Mother Theresa” because she’s bringing all these people together for her showcase. THIS IS THE SEASON OF LALA.

Over at Tom Tom, things are sorta looking better. The garbage is gone, so that’s a good start. The bar is framed out and there’s sort of an upstairs. But there’s still things that need to be done. “Where do we get frozen ice?,” asks Schwartz. I hope someone else is handling the finances of Tom Tom. Sandoval and Schwartz both take a tour with beers in hand and self-announced “semis.” Things get even more homoerotic as Sandoval gets down on one knee and proposes a business marriage to Schwartz with rose gold “TT” cufflinks. Schwartz accepts, obvs.

It’s time for the Pucker & Pout party and Katie has her family in tow. Kristen shows up on crutches — it seems she “stubbed” her foot. This reeks of a too-much-booze situation. Carter goes in on Sandoval and Peter and asks why they didn’t have Kristen’s back and believe her when she said that she didn’t hook up with James. Um, Carter? You betta check the tape. Your girlfriend lies a ton. He even finds out that Kristen and James were together near the hot tub. He confronts her about it and she gets enraged that he doesn’t trust her. Um, Kristen? You betta check the tape. You lie a ton. Then, it ends with Kristen hobbling through the kitchen upset. It might be one of the most haunting images ever from Vanderpump Rules.

While this is happening, Stassi sits Brittany down for some truth time. Stassi straight up asks, “What if you’re wasting your best years?” I feel like maybe this is not the best strategy when your friend is an emotional wreck due to her relationship. Then, she tells Brittany that she definitely won’t come if Brittany and Jax ever get married. Happy Pucker & Pout night!

It’s all the more hilarious when when we cut to Stassi and Patrick meeting up in her apartment. They have been fighting and need to clear the air but Patrick doesn’t seem to have coherent arguments. Instead, we get some weird Game of Thrones metaphors that I still don’t truly understand. But Stassi has a super cute kitchen.

Over at Schwartz and Katie’s apartment, some happier news…well, sorta. Katie tells Schwartz that she’s been struggling with depression and PTSD after her skylight accident. I still would like a few more details on this whole thing. It feels like we haven’t fully gotten to the bottom of the event. But she feels more like herself than she has in years and she starts crying with happiness. It’s super sweet. But like, really, what happened?

Down the hall, Jax comes back from a morning coffee run and, instead of croissants, brings this to Brittany for breakfast: He wants to break up. He feels like he’s not good for her and he hates himself and he just thinks he should be alone. She is not psyched by this news and asks him to leave — but then leaves instead in what appear to be her pajamas. Jax kinda tries to argue with her but not very convincingly. I’m just wondering how long after this he called the Reiki master for guidance.