Vanderpump Rules recap: Whine country

This is like one of those serious, “very special episodes” of Vanderpump Rules between the multiple therapy sessions and Lisa’s brave revelation that she was not only hungover after the TomTom party but also once owned a house in Ibiza. That should definitely be something she talks to a therapist about.

So we’re almost to the big girl’s trip to Solvang on the “PJ,” a.k.a. the biggest carbon footprint in history. Lala finally mentions it to Kristen while they’re at lunch with Ariana. There’s some concern though because Kristen turns into a crazy person whenever she travels (see: last year’s trip to Mexico when she threw her drink at James). Kristen admits she could use a vacay though because she and boyfriend Carter have been fighting non-stop. I don’t want to point the finger but Kristen does have a weeeeee bit of a temper. Speaking of flying off the handle, Lala is the one organizing this wine tasting but will not partake in any of the vino. Apparently, she and boyfriend Randall got taaaanked a while back and Lala went nuts and broke a hurricane-proof window. I mean if anyone can do it, I have faith in Dame Lala. Sooo, she’s taking a break from the sauce.

The countdown to Jax and Brittany’s wedding has begun and they’ve found a place for their engagement party. First of all, I thought they sorta already celebrated their engagement. Second, Brittany wants something that looks like an enchanted forest because, as a child, she used to believe fairies were real. Bless. This wedding is not gonna have a happy ending for Jax’s wallet though. The engagement party alone is costing over $1400 and the groom ain’t happy about it.

James is going to therapy which is a good thing…but he’s doing it on camera which is probably not a good thing. He talks to his therapist about dealing with his squabbling parents while also supporting them. I do not understand: Why can’t these two grown adults get jobs? Poor James, though, has some real delicate tear ducts and they start flowing when he discusses how he resents his mother for putting him in the middle of her beef with his dad. After the session, he gets in a screaming fight with her on the phone.

Then, Jax and Brittany head to therapy. This is like an episode of In Treatment but with a truckload of rosé. Basically, the gist of the session involves Jax not wanting to talk about his past cheating issues. He doesn’t get why they should be addressed so they don’t happen again. But what I would like to talk about is the décor of this office. If you were going to have your office on tv, wouldn’t you go out and get some nice things for your apt and lose the Pier One Imports situations?

Back at home, James is with Ariana and they’re going over a track she recorded with him. Not everyone is supposed to be a singer or a recording artist, folks. I feel like a lotta this staff could use some life coaching besides just James. Then, James’ mom, Jacqueline, shows up and boy is she not a blast. He specifically tells her he needs boundaries and she can’t talk to him about his dad. She then launches into a yelling fit about his dad. Is there a team of therapists who can work on this family?

Later, Jacqueline heads to Sur to meet with Lisa. She asks for not only James to work there again but then for her son Harry to become a busboy. WHY CAN’T THIS LADY GET A JOB? Trader Joe’s seems like a wonderful place to work. Or there’s a great ice cream parlor across the street from Pump—start scoopin’ Jackie! Lisa lets Harry interview but weirdly he does it with James present. Guillermo makes some cracks about not needing a busboy but really needing a DJ and James weeps. He’s like the opposite of Jen Aniston and dry eyes—too much moisture in those peepers.

The ladies finally head to Solvang in the “PJ.” Stassi realizes that she was born for this lifestyle. But there’s weird energy because Kristen was like 40 minutes late because she “forgot her purse.” After the speedy flight, they arrive at the hotel and it’s Scheana’s turn to be offended because she gets her own room. Isn’t that a treat?!? Why does she want to share a room?

The gals head out on the town in their most cray outfits (Lala is legit wearing a metallic satin robe) and start to get boozy. We end the episode with Kristen teetering on the brink of going full-on nutty. Spoiler: she goes nutty next week.

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