Vanderpump Rules recap: Seal Team

The fight heard round the world—err—the hotel ended rather anticlimactically. Schwartz and Katie seemed like they were on the road to near divorce at the end of last week’s Vanderpump Rules. But a little spooning and lowering of voices set everything straight. Frankly, I expected a little more fallout and drama from this. Thankfully, we have the gifts of Stassi and Kristen…

So the gang all goes out for dinner the next night and, naturally, orders shots. These folks do more shots than the Sigma Nu house at any Big 10 college. Kristen decides to take this moment to give a toast on how people should overdo it with drinking which is like me giving a lecture on how to fill out a March Madness bracket. During dinner, Jax reveals that he still believes Kristen and James hooked up last year while the group was on vacation. Luckily, Kristen can’t hear because she has self-described tiny eardrums.

Ariana tries to have a quiet moment with Lala and explain to her that she can’t keep lashing out at people but Lala ain’t having it. Frankly, it’s hard to want to side with anything involving Raquel. She just feels like a mannequin brought to life by an evil curse. Lala basically says that she only went low because they went low with her. Plus, it’s good TV.

The ladies all make plans to go skinny dipping but Stassi starts to wimp out at the last minute. She’s tired and just wants to go to bed. But Beau insists she join in or she’ll suffer from FOMO. It’s an ailment that many in the Rules cast suffer from and is not taken lightly. So Stassi joins in the parade of boobs (Ariana and Scheana just watch from the beach). Back up in the hotel, Sandoval has a massive case of gas and, at one point, basically farts in Jax’s mouth. These are some lucky, lucky ladies.

The next day everyone goes on an ATV tour. Frankly, I would be highly nervous about driving off road with any of these folks given the level of booze in their bodies. Like I feel like at any minute, some reserve tequila shot could go off inside of them and turn them drunk. They end up at a beautiful waterfall. Jax decides it’s a prime moment to give Stassi some relationship advice. Again, this is like me advising someone on how to replace a flat tire. Stick to your lane, Mr. Taylor.

That night, everyone heads out to a club called Zoo…which seems appropriate given the behavioral patterns of this group. Ariana is determined to get wasted and does so fairly quickly. Her recount of the evening is almost David Lynchian in its surrealness: she made out with a bunch of her friends, Jax rode a donkey, Ariana had a dance-off with a man dressed in a monkey suit.

But she has reason to celebrate because the two Toms found out via a text from Lisa that TomTom is a hit and the line is all the way down the block past gay bar, Mother Lode. In fact, Mother Lode is mentioned so many times, I question whether or not LVP is an investor.

So this entire trip, Kristen has been pretty sane. Now, she has given a terrible toast. She has described herself as both a “butterfly” and a “giraffe,” which are two very different kinds of creatures (she’s def more giraffe). But she hasn’t had a spaz out like on previous trips. But Scheana tells her that Jax still thinks that she hooked up with James last year and Kristen decides that Club Zoo is the best time to discuss this. It’s not exactly a great convo and Kristen walks away not understanding why people can’t think she’s grown up. Well, she did just eat out of a street planter a few episodes ago…

Stassi has a weird freak-out while at the club. All the girls get on a platform to dance to Lala’s song and Stassi refuses because she’s wearing a maxi dress with Spanx. I’m not sure why we needed that info but that was her reasoning. Beau tells her to get up there and she again says no and starts getting upset with him. Once they get back to their room, Beau starts crying saying that he feels “battered” in this relationship. Stassi then tells him she doesn’t like sleeping alone when she wants to go to bed and he wants to stay out. Basically, this fight can be boiled down to: Don’t fight when you’re drunk.

In another room, the rest of the group is still partying. Lala apparently had a panic attack on the shuttle ride home. As the pals tried to calm Lala, Schwartz suggested playing “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal. God bless him. That has got to be a Top 5 Tom Schwartz moment. But Lala apparently puked and rallied and was ready to get naked and hot tub with Katie. The pair sit in the jacuzzi, naked and confused, as they listen to Ariana ramble about the different paths in life.

But back in Stassi’s room, Beau is still emotional and Stassi is saying how her parents have both been divorced three times. Beau tells her she needs to deal with her dark stuff. I think they both need to deal with their eventual hangovers and get some Gatorade STAT.

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