Vanderpump Rules recap: Tom Schwartz (sorta) gets his groove back

The morning after is bleak in Mexico on Vanderpump Rules. Lala and Scheana head to the infinity pool while Lala tries to piece together the night before and her panic attack. Stassi and Beau sorta make up, but it’s also unclear if Stassi will try and control her freakouts. Beau, meanwhile, is having like an allergic reaction to all the stress. Thankfully there are some bad tattoos to help cover the patchiness.

Back in L.A., Lisa Vanderpump shows up for work dressed like a pastel Carmen Sandiego and finds Adam just flipping through his phone in the kitchen. Usually when employees know the boss is in the office, they hop to it! But that’s not really the case at SUR. He then shows Lisa a fairly inappropriate photo of Scheana posing in her bathing suit with Sandoval’s diving knife. Again, is there an HR department at SUR? LVP just tells him to go easy on Scheana since she can be — let’s be honest — a stage 5 clinger.

Dinner in Mexico has an almost dream-like quality to it. Lala keeps asking people to hold her hand tightly in order to help battle her anxiety. At one point, Scheana is palming Lala’s face. Later, Scheana admits this kind of annoys her because Lala doesn’t return the affection or concern…or make out with Scheana when she’s drunk. Yes, this was an actual conversation.

Across the table, Ariana and Kristen are getting along like a house on fire. Ariana even alerts Kristen to a nip slip! Alas, it’s just a bruise from where Carter bit her boob (it’s best not to ask).

Speaking of getting along, Schwartz decides to attempt to seduce Katie. In lieu of oysters and lingerie, Schwartz’s way to get that romantic feeling is to cover the bed in Cheetos and Snickers and have a stranger hide in the shower with a violin. We don’t get to see any action but countless innocent (and uneaten) Cheetos were probably smashed in the process.

Once the group returns from Mexico, the s— literally hits the fan. Pretty much everyone has diarrhea and is talking about it at SUR. Lala takes the opportunity to show up to work in what looks like a sports bra. Now, this restaurant is hardly conservative (the waitresses basically wear stretched out T-shirts sans pants) but LVP is really not into Lala’s athleisure wear and makes her put on a SUR tee.

Meanwhile, Billie Lee asks Lisa if James can DJ her White Party brunch. Lisa is concerned that James is drinking again after he revealed his dad bought him a cocktail the other day. Billie gets real huffy and insists that James brings great energy to the party and then starts going off on Lala again. She also swears a bunch while speaking with LVP, which is sorta like swearing at your English aunt — you just don’t do it. After Billie storms off, Lisa chases her through the confusing archways of SUR and tells her she refuses to be spoken to that way. Again, where is SUR HR?

In a different poorly lit corner, Scheana tells Brittany that she and Adam hooked up again almost immediately when she returned from Mexico. Only problem was he got a leg cramp and needed to use her foam roller to work out the kinks. Naturally, Scheana filmed this and showed it on national television because she’s easygoing and not intense at all as a girlfriend.

Billie then goes into the kitchen with Scheana to say how upset she is about James not being able to DJ her bash. Scheana decides it’s a good time to inform Billie that she and James aren’t welcome at Brittany and Jax’s engagement party. (Scheana is def not someone who should ever be a crisis counselor!) A distraught Billie, still carrying around SUR menus, heads over to Brittany to ask what the deal is. Brittany is sweet as can be but tells Billie that Jax doesn’t think she’s a trustworthy person. At this point, someone might as well dump a plate of goat cheese balls on Billie because she is really being put through the ringer.

Adding to the night of craziness, Raquel shows up in her usual daze (does she blink?) and invites Brittany and Jax to her puppy party. They’re basically like hard pass, sister. She then walks up to TomTom and invites Schwartz and Stassi who are dumbstruck as to what the definition of a puppy party is. She explains it’s like a baby shower but for a puppy. There will be fun games, too, like a “pooh bag toss.” I mean, what could be more fun than that?!? Stassi says she doesn’t want to be around James and that Raquel is like the woman who married Charles Manson. Raquel just stands there and continues to barely blink.

As for Schwartz, he probably shouldn’t be attending any parties until he gets his finances worked out: LVP tells him that both his checks to invest in TomTom bounced. Sandoval, who has been officially fired from SUR to focus on TomTom, is not pleased that his new partner is already causing problems.

In a weirdly edited moment, Raquel is seen leaving TomTom after she clearly had finished her conversation with Schwartz and Stassi a while ago. She gets in the car with James and tells her no one cares about their puppy party. He’s shocked no one wants to toss pooh bags. She’s just confused as to who Charles Manson is.

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Vanderpump Rules recap: Schwartz (sorta) gets his groove back

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