Vanderpump Rules recap: Winter is coming

It was a very butts-centric episode of Vanderpump Rules. Butts were getting facials. Butts were doing shots. Rules really showed the versatility of the human butt. I hope the Peabody voting committee takes note.

We open at Vanderpump Dogs where the gang has gathered to take Insta photos with fake tattoos and their dogs to protest Yulin. You all remember Yulin: they have a massive dog eating/torturing holiday that Lisa V is reaaaaal not into. Despite being fired, James shows up for the anti-Yulin event. Lisa tells James that she’s going to have a meeting with his mother about his behavior. This is legit conversations that first-grade teachers have with their students…except this person is 26 and a DJ. The hits keep coming for James because then Ariana and Stassi pull him aside and disinvite him to their cold-themed joint bday party. I’m assuming James left and then got kicked in the nuts by a passerby because that’s how bad his day was going.

Lala and Brittany head to the spa for facials…on their butts. The old derrieres get a lotta wear and tear according to Lala. You sit on them and….do other things with them. So, the ladies decide to treat their fannies to something called the Booty Smoothie. Now, this is hardly a Jamba Juice situation. It’s like a whole process where the butt gets exfoliated and steamed. Once their butts are all pretty, the girls sit up and gossip. Lala tells Brittany that Sandoval and Ariana were skeptical of Jax’s transformation into a monogamous husband.

Speaking of husbands, Scheana just got dumped by Rob but she is more than on the prowl. She invites Adam over to her new apartment to put together her daybed. But she seems more interested in laying on the bed with Adam. She takes a shower and invites him in. She sets the air conditioning to a not-so-subtle “69” degrees. She tells him to take his shirt off. She ain’t subtle.

Back at TomTom, Lisa is trying to pull the place together when James’ mother, Jacqueline, shows up. You can tell Jacqueline and James are related because they both get real weepy when talking to Lisa. After she’s told her son has been fired, Jacqueline gets upset and pleads with Lisa to give him back Tuesday nights at Sur. She then calls Lisa a “mother figure” to him which is odd coming from the woman who is ACTUALLY his mother.

After having a heart to heart with Sandoval about James (and reviving a wounded bird with her apparently magical bosom), Lisa heads to James’ apartment and has another chat. This is the second staff apartment she’s been to this season after Jax and Brittany’s abode. I feel like once she leaves, she goes home and does a full Silkwood shower. But you can tell that she’s starting to melt a little in regard to James. The dude even admits his father is living with that weird old guy who James used to live with! Doesn’t anyone in this family have friends with a two bedroom?!

Finally, it’s time for Stassi and Ariana’s joint birthday. Kristen rented a house somewhere unknown with a great roof deck for all sorts of butt shots and ice luges. I have to say out of everyone, I think Katie nailed the theme the best. Scheana basically came dressed as Stassi or like late ’90s Jessica Simpson with blonde hair and a beanie. Schwartz was an elf on bath salts which…just looked like an elf. Beau was real festive and put lights all over his body but left one area particularly clear: his junk. Stassi’s mom caught a glimpse of that and was smitten. She couldn’t stop talking about it. It was like Patrick and Lisa’s ass. Speaking of that body part, Ariana and Stassi do “butt shots” which are just apparently taking a shot while hovering over someone else’s crack. It feels both awkward and unnecessary.

Raquel comes late after an appearance at the opening of the Topanga Canyon mall (LOL). Stassi once again goes after her for being with James. This is about the time of the night when you can notice Stassi’s sobriety levels changing. By 2 a.m., Stassi is downstairs taking off her make-up and calling Beau repeatedly. She leaves voicemails. She texts him. He’s not responding because he is also prob tanked. But she starts flipping out like Alicia Silverstone in The Crush. If there were lemons and a cleaver, I bet she would have recreated the “I’m making lemonade” scene. The ep ends with her smashing her phone in the bathroom. This is 30.

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• Vanderpump Rules recap: ‘Welcome to TomTom’