Riverdale recap: Everybody's a witch now!

When the Riverdale writers titled this episode "The Witches of Riverdale," they meant it! Because it's getting real witchy up in here!

We start the episode at a fake funeral for Nana Rose because everyone is trying to fool Percival into believing that they're grieving, when in reality, the bodies of their loved ones are on ice as they wait for Sabrina's arrival to (hopefully) bring everyone back from the dead. Well, everyone except baby Anthony, who's still alive, but Percival doesn't need to know that.

Speaking of those dead folks, we get a glimpse at them in the Sweet Hereafter, where Archie is enjoying a meal with Betty, their two kids, and Vegas; Jughead is writing a comic in Pop's; and Toni and Fangs are signing a peace treaty with the Ghoulies in a world where their grown (and super hot) son is in love with a Ghoulie. (That being said, they signed that treaty in pencil so...)

Back in the real world, Sabrina arrives on her literal broomstick with less than 12 hours left to pull everyone back into their bodies. But in order to do that, she needs a coven of at least six witches, which is conveniently how many women are sitting in front of her! Sabrina, Heather, and Cheryl are already witches, obviously, so how are Veronica, Tabitha, and Betty going to help? Oh, you know, they're going to become witches. I know what you're thinking: How?! People can't just become witches, can they?! Turns out, they can! All they have to do is follow three simple steps:

First, they sign their name in a book of witchcraft. Easy enough! Then they pledge allegiance to Hecate. Also pretty easy! And finally, they have a dance party, where they all have to dance like they're in the 50's. Not sure why that's important, but it is, and now, they're all witches! Truly as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Now, they just have to conjure up a portal so that Sabrina can cross over and start coaxing souls back into their bodies. Up first: Jughead. The only problem? Jughead doesn't want to come back. In the Sweet Hereafter, he's living in the ideal version of Riverdale, where there are endless burgers and comic books. Plus, he can hear again! Not to mention that Tabitha already told him he dies in the near future, so why not just stay dead now?

When he truly refuses to budge, Sabrina pivots. She asks him for a favor.

Cut to Sabrina arriving back in the real world with Jughead ... only, it's not Jug. It's Nick Scratch in Jug's body! For those of you who didn't watch Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Nick Scratch is Sabrina's boyfriend, as played by Gavin Leatherwood (usually). This time around, you get Cole Sprouse's best Gavin impersonation, and it leaves a lot to be desired.

But Sabrina quickly assures them all that this wasn't purely a selfish move. Nick is also a necromancer and can help with Plan B: Having each of them cross over and appeal to their loved ones. But when Betty conveniently can't cross over because of her weird connection to the Harlot of Babylon — who would not be allowed in heaven — Veronica has to visit Archie. (I'm still not sure I like them trying to force this triangle on us!)

So as Veronica tries to convince Archie to return to the real Betty, Cheryl goes to Toni and Fangs, who've just learned that their son is in love with Timmy Twist (and they're thrilled!). But when Cheryl discovers that, in this place, Polly and Jason are happily married, she has to see it for herself. Suddenly, she understands why no one wants to leave this place.

Tabitha also fails, because when she shows up to Pop's and sees how happy Jughead is, she can't even bring herself to talk to him. She does, however, talk to her guardian angel, Rafael, but we'll come back to that.

While all of this is going on, Sabrina and Nick go on a date and get some closure. Again, only something you'll care about if you watched Chilling Adventures. But Sabrina finally gets a chance to say goodbye to her boyfriend, who has to return to the Sweet Hereafter.

So, now that Plan B failed, it's on to Plan C: Sabrina informs Cheryl that she has the power of the phoenix, meaning she has the gift of resurrection, a fact that it feels like Sabrina should've shared a while ago! All that means is that Cheryl is now going to burn her friends to ash, rip them from heaven, and then resurrect their bodies. Just a typical Tuesday, amirite?

Long story short, Plan C works! And with that success, Sabrina prepares to head off. But before she flies away, she warns Cheryl that there could be repercussions for bringing her friends back because "death doesn't like to be cheated." Umm that seems like something you should've said BEFORE she did the spell, but cool, Brina, thanks for the help!

And while we're on the topic, Cheryl is definitely going to piss the universe off, because not only did she bring back Toni and Fangs, but she also brought back Jason, Polly, their kids, and Nana Rose! I feel like it's safe to say she is definitely screwed.

As for the others, Jughead is back and his hearing is fixed! But don't worry, his powers aren't gone — he can still read minds, too. Archie is also back and he tells Betty all about his heaven with her. And yet, according to Tabitha, Archie might not get to return to that heaven. She visits a bummed out Veronica and says that in a lot of future scenarios, Betty and Archie are endgame. But in just as many, Veronica and Archie end up together. And suddenly we're back in this triangle madness, and I don't like it! I've really enjoyed how mature they've all been about being friends, and Archie literally just said his heaven was a life with Betty. I know we're struggling with what to do with Veronica, but this doesn't feel like the right choice for me.

Speaking of crazy choices, Tabitha finally reveals what Rafael told her: Baby Anthony is immortal, and Tabitha is Riverdale's guardian angel. I'm not going to lie, for most of this episode, I was into just how weird it was. It felt right for Riverdale to finally just be full of witches! But an IMMORTAL child and Tabitha as an angel?! Where are we going with this!? Remember when Betty and Archie just wanted to go to a school dance?

Anyway, the other thing that happened in this episode is that Percival tried to convince Reggie to kill Kevin, and when he wouldn't — his conscience spoke to him through a doll and told him to do the right thing — Kevin, Reggie, and Reggie's dad all ended up trapped. Now, Percival plans to kill them all, but thankfully Reggie stole one of Percival's magical daggers, so there's still some hope that they can escape. (And yes, I just brushed right past that doll thing because I've had my fill of weird for one episode.)

So here we are, in a Riverdale that is weirder than ever. While I'm processing this episode, I'm gonna go sign my name in a book, say a couple words, and do the twist so that I can really make life interesting.

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