The Bachelor recap: Playing the field

Clayton took his potential wives on the road this week, but not before he made a truly terrible decision about which bickering blonde woman to keep around.

Let's recap The Bachelor!

As the sun rises over the Bachelor mansion, several of the women are clustered around the kitchen island talking about Shanae — and more specifically, their anxieties over what's going to happen when Clayton addresses the Shanae-Elizabeth feud before tonight's rose ceremony. The Bachelor doesn't see how Shanae-no-no acts when they're not around… so will he do the right thing? Hunter wonders if it's time for them to add their voices to the she-said, she-said drama: "Do you think maybe if we instigate the conversation today before the rose ceremony that maybe things could get squashed?"

Before we go any further, though, what the holy hell is this?

FROSTED animal crackers? Blech. There's a great selection of junk food there in Casa Bachelor's kitchen (M&Ms, gummies, Red Vines, pretzels and nuts for your salt fix), but any connoisseur of sweet carbs knows that PLAIN animal crackers are way better than those grotesque pink and white monstrosities.

End of rant.

That night, Clayton heads to the mansion in a "somber" mood. Just before he arrives, producers urge Marlena and Genevieve and some of the other women to begin a discussion about the tensions in the house — with the express purpose of having the Bachelor walk in on a room full of women bickering (again) about Shanae.

"There were a lot of disturbing things brought to my attention this week," says the Bachelor. "I really don't feel like I can move forward to the cocktail party until I address it first."

Shanae and Elizabeth, that's your cue! Please meet Clayton outside for an awkward conversation! The three of them sit down by the outdoor fire pit, and Clayton tries to get them to hash it out. Back and forth, back and forth it goes. Elizabeth's all, I tried to talk to her, but she told me to 'F--- off,' and Shanae's all, I'm mad because you're toxic and a bully. When Elizabeth asks Shanae (politely, I might add) to provide an example of said "bullying," Shanae cites the moment that she offered women shrimp in the hot tub and "no one" turned to look at her.

Elizabeth claims she wasn't even in the hot tub at that time (she was), and the whole thing devolves even further. Poor Clayton just sits there in miserable silence. And look — I was able to get a frame grab of the moment his soul left his body.

"I'm gonna step away for a second," he mutters. Good call, bro. This is going nowhere. "We're talking about shrimp, and the hot tub, and whether or not Elizabeth was there," he complains in his confessional. "We're not resolving conflict — we're talking about shrimp."

And that's when things get even messier, rose lovers. Not wanting to spend one more second with Shanae, Elizabeth announces that she's going to "respectfully" remove herself from the conversation, "Because I'm a lady." As she walks away, Shanae shoots back, "A fake one!" — but Elizabeth hears something else.

There's a chance Elizabeth is just stirring the pot here, but I'm guessing she really did just mishear her rival. The rest of the women cannot believe that Shanae is still trying to make a thing out of "shrimpgate" — and I can't believe how brilliant it is that producers had the foresight to order shrimp-stuffed sushi rolls from catering so Shanae could load up her plate yet again.

Say what you will about how annoying she is, but the woman does know how to get screen time. "I lost brain cells because I listened to #shrimpgate," sighs Jill. Not sure where Clayton is at this point, but producers are probably keeping him busy with a confessional so the women have to sit in the living room and stew in their own hate juices. Jill complains about how the drama has kept her from talking to Clayton, and then Genevieve jumps in to blame Shanae for "causing this whole thing." Everyone's sick of the fighting — especially Gabby, who has an excellent ROIF (resting "over it" face).

"It just, like, sucks that we're a group of grown women and we can't work through the drama in the house," she says. "I'm sure [Clayton] is getting exhausted, too."

Now Shanae and Genevieve are full-blown yelling at each other, and I think poor Mara just lost hearing in her left ear.

Oh look! Here comes Jesse Palmer with some bad news: Clayton cannot bear to spend one more second around these Harpies, so he just wants to jump straight to the rose ceremony. (I'm paraphrasing.) I don't need to tell you this, rose lovers, but the women are pissed. Jill's face says it all:

"I feel like my ass is getting sent home — over shrimp!" she fumes.

Rose ceremony roll call: Marlena, Teddi, Rachel, Mara, Sierra, Susie, Jill, Serene, Genevieve, Hunter, Lyndsey, and [deep, deep, deep sigh] Shanae join Gabby, Sarah, and Eliza in the Circle of Safety™.

Same, Elizabeth. Same. She's going home, as are Melina and Kira. I'm gonna skip over all of Shanae's gross "I'm here to win" gloating because it is gross, and she is gross, and I'm just ready for her reign of lame villainy to be over. Gabby is right: "It's hard when evil wins."

Perhaps a change of scenery will lighten the mood? The next morning, Palmer arrives and informs the women that it's time to leave the mansion and embark on a "worldwide, international journey to find love with Clayton." First up, the exotic locale of… Houston? Cool. Hope nobody needs to exercise their reproductive rights this week!

Once they arrive, Clayton gets a surprise visit from his old college football pal Clarence, who now lives in Houston. The Bachelor is so excited, he lifts Clarence up in a big bro bear hug, which I'll admit is pretty cute.

Clarence is married and has a beautiful family, so Clayton thinks he's "the perfect example of what I could have at the end of this." Not much else really happens in this segment. Clarence asks Clayton what he's hoping for this week (answer: no drama, lol), and then he tells the Bachelor to choose a woman who is his "rock" and "foundation."

Meanwhile, in the ladies' suite…

Knock knock knock! There's an Accent Table of Doom at the door! And the first date in Texas goes to… Rachel! Naturally, the other women — especially women who haven't had much time with Clayton — are disappointed. "I feel like I'm so behind," frets Lyndsey. That's because you are, honey! On to Historic Hill House + Farm, rose lovers!

Horseback riding. In Texas. How original! Clayton and Rachel ride through the woods and end up at a random family's barbecue. Of course they're invited to join the party, and the family puts them to work, glazing the ribs, mixing the cole slaw. The random family (who seems very nice, but we never get their surname) dutifully ask Clayton and Rachel about their relationship and how ready they are to settle down and so on. Then it's time to dig in.

So dainty! Clayton's having a great time, and Rachel seems happy, too. Later, they sit by a pond and talk about how quickly their relationship has progressed. "I don't even know your last name!" marvels the Bachelor. (It's Recchia.) "We have such a strong connection," he continues. "And I don't think it necessarily has to make sense." Rachel caresses his face and whispers, "I'm so happy you brought me, and I'm excited for what comes next."

Girl, why are you whispering? You're wearing a mic. Then they spend some time smooching and exchanging schmoopy sweet nothings.

At dinner, Clayton pretends that he has something serious to discuss with Rachel — "The more I talk to you, the more confused I get, the more questions I have" — but it's all just a silly fake-out. All he really wants to know: Rachel, why are you single?

Her answer, in short: Training to be a pilot leaves no time for dating. "As a woman, I have to work harder and I have to prove myself more every single day," she explains. Plus, her last boyfriend didn't support her dreams… and maybe thought that she'd cheat on him while traveling around the world for her job? That part wasn't entirely clear. Clayton assures Rachel that he is completely on board with her choice of career because he's not a monster. (I added that last part.) Oh lord, it's time for an awkward "private" concert by some nameless musical act.

JK, they're called Restless Road, and I'm sure they're very nice young men. Anyhoo, Rachel gets the date rose. "I will never dim your light," whispers Clayton, as they slow dance ten feet away from a country band. Blech.

The morning of the group date, Sierra, Gabby, and Genevieve are all in the women's suite grousing about Shanae. "She never said sorry about the cocktail party!" fumes Sierra. "Personally, I'm not her friend, because I know her character." Shanae, who's in the next room, overhears this conversation — and I'm sure she was also clued into the situation by the camera operator who came to her door to film her reaction — and starts eavesdropping.

And boy, does she get an earful. Sierra has a plan for today's group date. "It's not gonna get better unless we all were to tell him, like straight up, 'Hey, this is her character,'" she says. "Like on that group date, we all tell him, 'This is not somebody you'd wanna marry.'" Sierra must be a student of this show, because she knows it doesn't pay to be the lone tattletale in the group — there is far more safety in numbers.

Of course, now that Shanae is fully aware of this plan, she's pissed, and no doubt determined to manipulate Clayton into believing that the women are "bullying" her yet again. But first, a little housekeeping. Promotional consideration for today's group date brought you by…

Thanks, Hyundai. Sarah, Eliza, Teddi, Marlena, Jill, Susie, Mara, Sierra, Hunter, Lyndsey, Genevieve, Gabby, and Shanae are at the NRG Stadium in Houston for a little Hyundai-themed tailgate party. (You can, like, use the Hyundai Ioniq to, like, power a grill? Because that's something people need to do?)

Okay, okay, that's enough product placement. On to the actual date!

Yep, it's time for the Bachelor Bowl! This year's matchup: The Shrimp Stampede (Lyndsey, Shanae, Hunter, Gabby, Jill, Eliza) versus the Purple Punishers (Marlena, Sarah, Susie, Sierra, Teddi, Mara, Genevieve). Winners get an after-party, losers get sent back to the hotel. And everyone gets a potential brain injury, because once again, producers are making the women play actual tackle football. Suck it up, ladies — there may be no "I" in team, but there is an "us" in "concussion."

Jonathan Greenard and Kamu Grugier-Hill, two large NFL players, are on hand to give the women some tips. Hannah Storm and Palmer are there to call the play-by-play, and before the game starts, we get a Wide World of Sports-style highlight reel of Bachelor Bowls past.

Dang that Derek Peth was (is) just so adorable.

At long last, the game begins. The Purple Punishers are feeling confident; not only do they have Marlena the Olympian on their team, but they've also got Sierra, who is extremely eager to smash Shanae's face into the turf. Unfortunately, what they don't have is a working knowledge of how football works, and Coach Greenard must break the news to Sierra that her interception didn't count because the ball touched the ground first. Uh oh, looks like things are getting violent.

I'll admit it, Palmer's color commentary here was pretty funny: "Jill, an architectural historian, and also a vegan, Hannah — and she just ate grass."

That she did. The Purple Punishers take the lead when someone finally gets the ball to Marlena, and she just Usain Bolts her way to the end zone. After the half, the purple team starts making mistakes, and Sierra and Shanae just start grudge-tackling each other even though neither of them has the ball. "There is bad blood out here," notes Palmer helpfully. Sierra scores the next touchdown, and somehow, Marlena recovers and manages to score her second TD of the game. The Purple Punishers take the win, which means Team Shrimp will have to head back to the hotel.

Honestly, rose lovers, I'm pretty sick of these "losers go home" dates. For all Clayton knows, Jill or Hunter or Lyndsey could be his soul mate. Between all the cocktail party drama and now this stupid date, these women are once again being robbed of a chance to talk to him. And Clayton's too much of a stooge to push back on producers and tell them he wants all the women to attend the after-party. Ugh to the whole thing.

We've all seen the previews, so we know that Shanae — who is rightfully worried that Sierra and Genevieve will talk smack about her to Clayton — crashes the after party. First though, it's time for Teddi to show the Bachelor her gnarly football injury.

Eeeek! That scrape practically goes down to the bone. Teddi tells Clayton that the week has been "hard" because she feels like she's competing for his love (she is) — and that brings up painful memories of her childhood, when she used to try to be "perfect" to keep her dad happy. "I'm just trying to learn how to, like, not let my childhood affect how I am with you here," she explains. That's some excellent self-awareness, Teddi! Clayton gives her the reassurance she needs ("you being you is what I like"), and then they smooch for a bit.

Oh boy, it's Sierra's turn to talk to the Bachelor, and she has her truth ray set to stun.

"When you decided to keep Shanae, a lot of the women in the house were shocked," she says. "We believe that if you had the full story, you wouldn't want somebody like that to be your wife." Rather than asking Sierra to elaborate, instead Clayton wants to know why she kept tackling Shanae during the game. "I thought you could just tackle!" says Sierra. (So did I.) Shanae, adds Sierra, knows Clayton is a "good man" and is just "taking that for granted" about him.

What's that, Clayton? You thought we were "done" with the Shanae drama? Nope. You kept her around, bro, so now you're gonna have to listen to Sierra and Genevieve date-splain to you why that was such a bad idea. Oh, and you're also going to have to deal with Shanae crashing the group date. Did you all hear the sigh Clayton let out when he saw Shanae enter the room?

"Uh… heyyyyy," says the Bachelor slowly, sounding like a man who knows he's about to undergo something very painful.

Sarah doesn't make a fuss. Instead, she just heads back to the holding pen and informs the women that Hurricane Shanae just made landfall at their date. "She said, 'I feel like I deserve to be here,'" Sarah reports. "It wasn't like he seemed overly excited to see her."

No, no he is not. Clayton asks Shanae to explain to him why the drama is still going on, and she's all, It's Sierra, Gabby, and Genevieve! They're plotting against me! I heard them scheming to send me home! Technically she's not lying, but she's leaving out some key context. Clayton is just not smart enough to realize that she's manipulating him — the poor fool thinks she actually is being bullied. Yuck, now they're making out on the bar.

Back in the holding pen, the women anxiously await Clayton's return, and most of them seem certain that he'll kick Shanae to the curb. Sierra calls her a "Karen," and Marlena muses that "to death do us part" with Shanae would really just be "death." Only Sarah sounds a note of caution: "You don't know how the night's gonna end, though."

We do, because we've seen the preview about 400 times. Say it with me, rose lovers:

With that, Shanae grabs the purple team's Bachelor Bowl trophy and hurls it into some nearby bushes. "Are you kidding?" asks one of the women. "I really hope he sends her home," groans another.

We'll have to wait until next week to find out, rose lovers. Actually, that's not true. We know Shanae makes it through the next rose ceremony, because the preview for next week reveals that she and Genevieve are going to face off on a two-on-one date. As for the rest of that super-tease, if you're losing your mind trying to figure out who is actually standing there in the "I was intimate with both of you" rose ceremony, allow me to recommend this completely obsessive trailer breakdown. God bless you, Bachelor Fantake — you're doing the Lord's work.

Next week, we're off to Niagara Falls. Before you log off tonight, rose lovers, a few questions: Why is Clayton so clueless? Are you surprised Teddi hasn't had a one-on-one yet? And have you ever peed on yourself in front of Busta Rhymes? Post your thoughts below!

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