The Kardashians series premiere recap: But who's looking out for Khloé's vagina?

Friends, this is a safe space. This is also a recap of The Kardashians. If you're reading this, you either a) enjoy the Kardashian family and their reality TV exploits; b) hate the Kardashian family and want to fuel said hatred with the latest information about their reality TV exploits; c) accidentally clicked on this post; or d) are paid by the Kardashian Konglomerate to read every word written about the family and summarize it in a Google doc.

Whatever your reasons for being here… Welcome! Let's get to it, shall we?

It's been a long, long time since we've had a new episode of a Kardashian family reality show… [checks notes] Correction: It's been 10 months. (Keeping Up With the Kardashians went off the air in June of last year.) Their lives must be so different now. For one thing, they're finally on a network that can afford drone shots. Look how fancy!

That said, the very first adult human being we see in The Kardashians is not a Kardashian — but Travis Barker, Kourtney Kardashian's future husband. Shhhhh… if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of Scott Disick's muffled sobs in the distance. (More on that later.)

From there, the fancy Hulu drone Peter Pans us through the California mountainside to a mansion-in-progress. There, Khloé stands by the pool and unconvincingly delivers some "impromptu" dialogue into her phone: "Oh my gosh I'm so excited, I'm at the new house and construction is almost finished." ("Oh wow, amazing," says a male voice — Tristan Thompson's? — in response. He's equally unconvincing, if we're being fair.)

Let's keep flying, friends, on another sprawling home, where Kendall Jenner sits in the backyard, giving herself a soundbath. I wish I were kidding.

Sure, why not. Onward to Oxnard, home to Kylie Cosmetics HQ. Finally, someone with a job! The drone camera swoops seamlessly through Kylie's sleek, neon-accented office into a cavernous industrial building where Kim is busy supervising a photo shoot for a new SKIMS girdle, or something.

Is this yawning cement edifice the KKW Beauty headquarters, a random soundstage, or did Kim just wander into a Sims build? Don't answer that. It's time to re-meet the family.

"It's fun to start with a clean slate," notes Kim. "I'm really working on law school, SKIMS, and being a mom." The cameras observe as Kim moderates a cupcake dispute between her kids North, Psalm, Saint, and Chicago. "To me that's what's so exciting [about the new show]," Kim continues. "That side of our lives, like, people don't see. Like, I cleaned out the playroom today! Like, that kind of stuff gets me… makes me horny."

This mom does. While we're on the subject of moms, please welcome Kris Jenner, who has just arrived in her Rolls Royce with her boyfriend Corey in tow. "I've been pretty busy since you last saw us," says KJ. She's so busy, in fact, that she gets up at 4 a.m. and gets angry when people don't answer their phones at 7 a.m. Woman, you need some work-life balance — I don't care how many businesses you're "running." She lists eleven, by the way: Kylie Cosmetics, Kylie Skin, Kylie Baby, SKIMS, Good American, 818 Tequila, KKW Fragrance, Arthur George, "the hot sauce company," Halfway Dead, and Safely. (I started to Google "Kardashian hot sauce," but then I just got sad.)

One by one, the family arrives at Kim's house for a barbecue. When Kylie strolls in, her baby bump draped in a stylish wrap dress from the Morticia Addams Collection, Kim announces that she knows the sex of her baby. "I think it's a boy!" she declares, even though she knows that Kylie and her boyfriend, Travis Scott, want to keep the gender a secret. "You're prettier than you were last time [you were pregnant]. The girls take the beauty to give it to themselves." Hmmm… is that science? I don't think so. (Still, Kim turned out to be right, sigh.)

Enough bump talk — Khloé is here, with her baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, who apparently plays some kind of sportsball. But don't get any ideas, folks: Things are not back on between Khloé and her on-again, off-again man. "Right now, Tristan and I are just friends," explains Khloé. "My biggest focus is being a mom to my beautiful angel, True."

Fine, I guess we'll have to rely on Kourtney and her new man, Travis Barker, for the romance this season. "He was one of my closest friends for probably eight years," explains Kourtney. "We used to work out together all the time." So how did these longtime pals become the schmoopy PDA pair we see before us today? We'll have to put a pin in that question, readers, because Saint has something to show mommy on Roblox.

Kim's mood shifts quickly from "mom pretending to care about Roblox" to "genuine concern." She brings the iPad to Khloé, who's equally taken aback by the pop-up image she sees on the screen. "There was a picture of my cry face, and then it said something super inappropriate, like 'Kim's new sex tape,'" Kim explains in her confessional. "This is supposed to be unreleased footage from my old sex tape. The last thing that I want as a mom is for my past to be brought up 20 years later."

Okay, I know what you're thinking — because I was thinking it, too. It feels awfully convenient that Kim learned about this potential new sex tape leak on the first day of filming for her family's new reality show. It seems especially coincidental when you consider that the same sex tape figured into the series premiere of her original reality show way back in 2007. Remember how nervous she was to appear on The Tyra Banks Show, because she knew the host was going to ask her about the tape?

That said, imagine what it would mean if Kim and her family staged this moment for the cameras. It would mean that she recruited her then five-year-old son, Saint, to stage a reality TV storyline about her sex tape — a tape that was released without her consent after being sold to Vivid Entertainment by "a third party." Kim Kardashian is a lot of things — and many of them are not good — but she's not a monster. Producers may have been in on this (I wouldn't put anything past reality TV producers), but I do not believe Kim was involved. Call me naïve if you must!

Hey, where's everybody going? Oh, I guess it's time to head outside to discuss the other big news in Kim's life: Lorne Michaels asked her to host SNL! "Everyone around me is like, 'You have to do this!'" says Kim. "But I always put myself in these situations that I think I'm fulfilling other people's dreams, like my mom's."

That's because you are! Everyone knows Kris Jenner is living vicariously — and financially — through her daughters. Kim's worried SNL will be another Dancing with the Stars situation ("I sucked"), but as always, Kris is there with some motherly words of encouragement. "You are kind of funny," she says. "You're more funny than you can dance, so just look on the bright side." Awww, it just warms the heart.

Oh boy, somebody get the spray bottle. Kourtney and Travis are at it again.

"You probably won't find me straddling Corey every five minutes," quips Kris. "Well, maybe after a drink." Sorry folks, but if I must have that image in my head, SO MUST YOU.

You may have noticed by now that two key Kardashian players are missing: Kendall Jenner, who has Covid, and Scott Disick, the father to Kourtney's three children. No, the Lord did not have a scheduling conflict — he's not there because nobody remembered to invite him! "I just honestly forgot," admits Kim. "Does that make us awful human beings that we're like going on with our lives? It's everything that he was always afraid of: 'I don't have any family, and you're my only family.' And now it's, like, coming true."

Ooof, it is pretty sad when you think about it. Yes, Scott Disick is a total dude-bro who cheated on Kourtney for years, but he ultimately cleaned up his act (mostly) and settled into an peaceful co-parenting relationship with her. He remained a staple on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and often accompanied the family on vacations and to big events. The poor guy lost both of his parents in 2014 — and he's an only child. But now that Kourtney has met the love of her life (her words), it seems Scott is slowly fading to the background of the Kardashians universe.

"Scott and I have been broken up for seven years, and I gave him ten years before that!" says Kourtney. "So, like, why is everyone making such a big deal about this?" Fair point.

Hey, look! Saint is expressing his feeling about having to share family time with a camera crew the only way he knows how.

God, if only all of us could have our childhood stressors preserved on video. It would make therapy so much more efficient.

Speaking of therapy, it's time to check in with Scott himself. "This is probably the first time in like fifteen years that we've had a really, really long break from having cameras follow our every move," says Scott, when the producer asks him what it was like for him to have a hiatus from shooting. "I think it got a little lonely."

Fortunately, the cameras are back — and so is Khloé. "Somehow Scott and I became, like, besties," she says. "He really is like a brother to me." (A horny brother who wants to get her in bed, but that's not important right now.) The two of them sit in Scott's kitchen and discuss his current headspace regarding Kourtney. "I think for like the first time probably in my life, it's finally starting to change," he says. "Now that Kourtney's got her life with Travis, as hard as it is, it does give me a place to, like, finally be able to move on."

Khloé's all, Okay, does that mean you'll stop dating teenagers? (I'm paraphrasing.) Scott makes no promises, but the 38-year-old "entrepreneur" does say he will try to date people in their "upper 20s." That's growth, people.

The mood turns melancholy when the conversation shifts to Kim's barbecue.

"Feeling left out and not being told anything is super hurtful," sighs Scott. Khloé is understanding, but she also gently suggests that it would be difficult for Scott to watch Kourtney and Travis climb all over each other during family events. "Everyone knows he's still in love with Kourtney," she tells us in her confessional. "That has to be hard… especially when everything is so public."

Scott admits that as hard as it is to lose Kourtney as a girlfriend and a best friend, he also knows that he brought a lot of this on himself. "I did so much wrong to her over so many years, I felt super guilty," he says. Still, Scott hopes the family won't ice him out completely. "All I need is just to be acknowledged." Oh man, that's sad. I mean, Scott Disick is a ridiculous person, but he's still a person. Hang in there, dude.

This seems like a good time to check in on Kourtney and Travis. Maybe we'll finally find out how they went from best friends to romantic soulmates? For a long time, it was just hanging out. "We would do things together with our kids," says Kourtney. "We would go to museums and go to church." Then came the pandemic, and Kourtney finally decided to act on the advice that her close friends had given her for years: Go for it with Travis!

Cut to: Movie night at Travis' house.

Oh girl, do you even have to ask? Of course, it was Kourtney. "He was taking a long time. The movie was over, and we started another movie," explains Kourt. "I was like, I don't have time for this movie marathon. So I made the first move."

Atta girl. These two are very cute together — and it's even cuter watching Travis play the drums with Kourtney's 9-year-old daughter, Penelope. Gushes Kourtney, "The way he speaks to her is so special." Sorry, that's not quite accurate — Kourtney doesn't really "gush." She kind of says everything in the same monotone. But when she talks about Travis, there does tend to be a trace of emotion in her voice.

Elsewhere in the Uncanny Valley of the Dolls, Kim is multi-tasking: She's directing her team of lawyers to hunt down the source of the potential sex tape leak, while also attending a fitting for potential SNL lewks. Kim's been debating whether to have Kanye — whom she's in the midst of divorcing — as her musical guest, but she simply can't decide. "It would so cool for the kids to see, like, mom and dad on SNL together," she muses. "But then, I might be more stressed out."

After all, she's already feeling the anti-love from online haters. "The girl from Will & Grace came out and said she has no idea why I would be chosen as a host," says Kim. "It's like, 'Why do you care?'" Good question. (And hoo boy, is Debra Messing gonna get riled up again when she learns that Kim referred to her as "the girl from Will & Grace." Brace yourselves, Twitter!)

Kim's stylist is in her corner, of course ("It's gonna be so epic and fun and historical [sic]"), as is Amy Schumer, who told Kim she'll help her write jokes for her monologue. "I love having really funny friends," sighs Kim happily. Am I the only one who truly can't wrap my head around the idea of Kim Kardashian having actual friends? I don't know why — it just does not compute. But I digress.

There was no way Hulu was going to let the Kardashians do a whole series premiere without delivering at least one full scene about the Khloé and Tristan relationship drama. And thus, the next segment follows Khloé to Tristan's house, where she encourages him to continue with his therapy after the NBA season starts. "Tristan is very determined on us getting back together," she says. "He goes to therapy quite often… and we know even do couples' therapy together. I say couples' therapy, but it's really just his therapy that I'm asked to join."

Okay, fine. But did you hear the part where Khloé said she threw water on all of Tristan's clothes after he cheated on her? "If I wasn't pregnant [at the time], I would have f---ed you up so [bad]," she tells him. "I just didn't want to break my nails before delivery." Who among us can't relate, right moms? Still, I'm not really getting the vibe that Tristan is going to be able to win Khloé back — and not just because I read this article. "I have a lot of reservations," she admits.

Not promising, to be honest.

Oh, you didn't think we'd make it through this whole episode without hearing the words "Pete Davidson" at least once, did you? Sure, the series premiere of The Kardashians was filmed before Kim hosted SNL and began dating Davidson last fall, but that was then. Hulu wants its headlines now!

"I ran into Pete Davidson at the Met [Gala]," says Kim. "I was like, 'I am so scared.' He was like, 'Can you read cue cards? You're good.'"

Side note, can anyone explain to me why Kim is doing this interview while dressed like a supervillain grape?

Maybe it's fashion. I dunno.

Anyhow, Kim's still very stressed out about her upcoming SNL gig, but at least she has a lot of comedians helping her with material. Sarah Silverman suggested that Kanye make an appearance, disguised as an audience member, during her monologue: "He'd go, 'So, do you believe in second chances in marriages?' And then I'd go, 'No!' and go to the next question." Kim's hairstylist wonders aloud of Kanye would agree to being the butt of the joke. "Yeah, if Dave tells him to do it," says Kim. "If Dave Chapelle says it's funny, it's funny." (Erm, tell that to the trans community, honey.)

Moving on. It's time for a girls' lunch — and Khloé has a "bone to pick" with Kim about SKIMS bodysuits. "You know how you guys make fun of me for having a bigger vagina than most?" says Khloé, as the two men at the next table literally turn to stare at them. See, Khloé's wearing a SKIMS bodysuit, which she loves — but she's having an issue with the, uh, gusset.

Kim stares at her blankly. "The vagina needs a little more fabric," Khloé continues. "Just a little wider." Kourtney gets it. "You don't want your vagina hanging out of the sides of the SKIMS," she says. "Um… yeah."

Yeah. The other thing I love about this lunch is that the women actually eat. First, we saw them chow down at the barbecue, and now they're devouring a steakhouse lunch while cameras roll. NORMALIZE WOMEN EATING ON REALITY TELEVISION. (Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.)

But the ladies have not gathered to discuss Khloé's crotch fabric or "skinny" onion rings. Instead, they've gathered to talk about Scott. Khloé tells her sister that she and Scott spoke about his hurt feelings over the barbecue, but Kourtney is not having it. "He asked me about it," she says. "He said, 'Do you not want me at this barbecue?' And I was like, 'Your actions need to match up with, like, you wanting to be a part of this.'"

Kourtney is understandably still feeling salty about Scott's decision to send her ex, a model named Younes, snarky DMs about Kourtney's PDA with Travis Barker in Italy. (God, even typing that sentence makes me tired. I'm sorry you had to read it.) "For so many years, Scott's always gotten away with bad behavior and still been invited," notes Kourtney. "I don't think that's going to continue." Brrrrr!

In the world of the Kardashians, all roads lead to Kim's walk-in closet — and that, dear readers, is where this episode concludes. Kris, Kourtney and Khloé pop by to help her pack for SNL, but suddenly Kim gets a call from her big-time attorney, Marty Singer, who is working on Roblox-gate.

"Marty, I am 99.9 percent sure that no other tape exists," she says. And even if it did, Kim Kardashian is done apologizing. "For 20 years, this has been held over my head," she says. "It's embarrassing for that to be out there, but it's not the most scandalous thing and I'm not going to be made to feel that way."

As she listens to her sister issue instructions to her legal team ("Have Marty scare the shit out of this guy…"), Khloé has déjà vu. "Didn't we deal with this in the first season of Keeping Up? This is a good omen, you guys," she assures Kim. "I feel like we're back to day one!" She even starts feeding Kim lines for her conference call: "You're not doing anything wrong. You're protecting yourself and your reputation for your children's sake," she says, and Kim repeats the phrase almost verbatim into the phone.

But as fierce as Kim sounds with her lawyers, she's also — hear me out — a human being with feelings, and eventually she cannot hide her distress over the whole upsetting situation. "Saint was on Roblox yesterday and a f---ing thing popped up," she sobs to Kanye over the phone. "Thank God he can't f---ing read yet! It's like, over my dead body is this s--- going to happen to me again!" Though he hasn't always behaved well during the course of their divorce, in this case, Kanye does offer his soon-to-be-ex some good advice: "Kanye was like, 'Listen, you have the power. Nothing is going to cancel you. Stop worrying about the public perception. You know who you are.'"

It's just the pep talk she needs. When her legal team calls back, Kim is once again determined to go to war with the sleazeballs trying to take her down. "I have all the time, all the money, and all of the resources to burn them all to the f---ing ground." Can I get a yaaaas, excessively spray-tanned queen?

Well, at least Khloe's feeling it. With that — and a fairly unnecessary "To be continued…" card — the episode is over. If you made it this far, I hope you'll stick around a little longer to answer these burning questions. Did you actually watch The Kardashians, and if so, did it fill the gaping KUWTK-sized hole in your life? Do you feel at all sorry for Scott, or am I just a total sucker? And do you think Kris Jenner bedazzled her own blazer? Post your thoughts below!

Sign up for Entertainment Weekly's free daily newsletter to get breaking TV news, exclusive first looks, recaps, reviews, interviews with your favorite stars, and more.

Related content:

• Kim Kardashian will 'definitely explain' relationship with Pete Davidson in new Hulu show
• The Kardashians review: Kim's sex-tape 'scandal' hits different in 2022
• Kim Kardashian, Bowen Yang, and Aidy Bryant form 'bop factory' pop group in cut SNL sketch