Drag Race star Willow Pill on coming out as trans, Kornbread tattoo

Willow Pill has everything and nothing figured out all at the same time, and that's exactly how it's supposed to be.

Their signature brand of humor and polished runway package has been a flawless example of assured, collective excellence on RuPaul's Drag Race season 14, but, as revealed in an emotional Instagram post last week, Willow's trans femme identity is a beautiful, ever-evolving tapestry layered in stunning complexity — more so than anything she's strutted across the Main Stage thus far.

"I didn't have all the pieces together to land on one trans identity," Willow exclusively tells EW of their journey toward coming out, adding that she's followed a path of "practice and thought" — as well as coming to terms with medical trauma and the distance between her mind and body after grappling with cystinosis — instead of drawing easy conclusions. Now, they say, they want anyone going through the same thing to know that it's okay to keep traveling the road there, even if you don't know where you're going: "Gender is a beautiful, fluid thing," she continues. "And what we've done to the world is completely taint it and complicate it beyond repair. It's not the responsibility of trans people to know exactly what's going on with the way that we've complicated this issue to filth."

Read on for our full Q&A with Willow, in which they discuss trying to heal from medical PTSD, why they waited to come out publicly, and the support she's received from her season 14 sister Kornbread.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Congratulations on your announcement. It must feel so liberating to talk about it publicly. What has the response been like so far?

WILLOW PILL: I made that post after I'd already told most of my close family and friends. It's weird to have a platform and not realize it's a big deal; suddenly you're getting calls from news outlets. You forget that you're a D-list celebrity. [Laughs]

What did it feel like as you watched the comments come in?

I appreciated everyone commenting supportive things. I'm also trying to get to the point where I don't always need that. I think I needed to post it for myself…. It felt more like relief than anything.

How long had this been something you'd been open about in your close circle?

Quite a while, with close friends for maybe two years. These are conversations I had with some of the contestants on the show, off-camera, like Bosco. We had many conversations about being trans because we weren't quite ready for that to be public TV knowledge.

Since you and Bosco spoke about not being ready to come out during filming, do you feel like doing it publicly on social channels, there's something you learned about yourself to get to a better place of feeling comfortable to make it public?

There was that little conversation I had in Untucked, but I wanted the words to come from my mouth and my platform. I was happy it aired in Untucked, because it meant a lot to a lot of people, including me. I wanted to have an updated version of that coming from my platform to clear the air and explain where I'm at now, since me a year ago is a different person.

Your statement speaks to how different every person's experience is with coming out, because you talked about how closely it was tied to your medical diagnosis, self-hatred, and medical PTSD. It might be difficult for people who haven't had the experience to understand what that means. Can you elaborate on why those things are so closely linked on your trans journey?

I haven't talked to anyone who'd been through medical trauma through chronic illness who'd also transitioned. When I was young, I felt like a medical object. Constant doctors' visits, blood draws, needles, and machines used on my body. It's insidious, you don't realize it until later in life. I also didn't realize that, being sick my whole life, I'd distanced myself from my body because my body wasn't fighting for me, it was fighting against me. When you're in a battle with your own body, your own home that you live in, you put a barrier between your mind and your body, your soul and your body. It's difficult to realize things like being trans because there's a barrier. Am I hating this body because of what I've been through, medically, or am I hating it for other reasons like gender identity or how my body looks, genitals, or hormones? As I've gone through the journey of uncovering the amount of medical trauma I had, I realized I was also not happy with my gender.

Was there a turning point that gave you more clarity and comfort to accept your identity?

I don't think I had a single point where everything made sense about my transness. It's a long practice of having to relearn a lot about your body. This road isn't one full of epiphanies, but rather the practice of thought. One of the things that changed my mind a lot was: I'm terrified of aging because I'm chronically ill, but the thought of aging into a man terrifies me even more. I had to start thinking about what I can do about it. I don't know if aging as a woman or non-binary individual sounds much better, but it sounds less terrifying. It's been a confusing, difficult time.

That was an important part of your statement. People sometimes feel like they can come out only when they have all the answers. Since discovering your trans identity, has the other side of yourself — with the medical PTSD — gotten easier to heal from?

Yeah. I didn't have all the pieces together to land on one trans identity. I was waiting to come out once I had it all figured out. I don't want to hold onto this forever and it's never a solved puzzle, and I'd die with that. That's tragic. I don't think this will ever be figured out in my life.

I'd be concerned if somebody said they do have everything figured out. As your sisters have all said in my recent interviews with them, it's a process. It's fluid, and you're not beholden to anyone but yourself.

Gender is a beautiful and fluid thing, and what we've done to the world is completely taint it and complicate it beyond repair. It's not the responsibility of trans people to know exactly what's going on with the way that we've complicated this issue to filth.

The support from your cast is beautiful. Kornbread revealed last week that she got a tattoo of you. To confirm: That's a real tattoo? And did she tell you that she was going to get it?

That is not an airbrushed tattoo. She did tell me she was going to get it. I called her, we talked about it, we laughed. The next day, it was in the news. I forgot we're D-list celebrities that people talk about.

What did you think when you first saw it? What did it mean to you that she chose that particular image of you to put on her body?

I loved it! Kornbread and I are close in a way that I don't think social media or the internet will understand. We both have dark pasts, we're both struggling human beings who are just kind of sad, tragic drag queens together. [Laughs] We both have a ditzy, whimsical spirit to us in drag, but behind the veil it's dark sludge and disgusting rottenness. For her to get a tattoo of my whimsical side, it's beautiful.

Visibility is power and five trans people on season 14 is a huge deal. Given that you have this platform — and not to saddle you with responsibility — but have you thought about how you'll use it to combat the rise of anti-trans sentiment in society and politics?

I'm not quite sure of where I want to go with this part of my journey. It's important that trans people are shown dealing with life in general. People often think that trans people wake up every day and think, "I'm trans. I'm going to do trans things." But, we lead regular and not-so-regular lives full of trauma, dreams, emotions, and eating breakfast and brunch. It's well-rounded life. It's not a one-facet story. It's important that we all bring our entire story to the table to show that we live complicated lives beyond just being trans. I'm still figuring out where I want to fit that political side into my life.

According to the internet, waking up and "doing trans things" is what Kerri Colby is doing, going down the line of season 14 gals. So, we can't speak for Kerri!

[Laughs] Yes, I'm sure everyone has realized by now that Kerri decided to make all of us trans and we fall to her will. Who knows who will be next. Maybe RuPaul!

What advice would you give to other people living with the medical PTSD, and also people contemplating coming out as trans?

I didn't receive a lot of advice along the way as far as medical PTSD. I had to discover it on my own. I wish I'd been told more about what my body would be going through, aging as someone who's chronically ill. It's terrifying. I'm happy I have the platform that I do, hopefully giving positive representation of people who are chronically ill. It's not fun at all. There's not always this inspirational story that comes out of it, and I'd be lying if I didn't mention that it's been difficult to be this inspirational person for chronically ill people. It's a lot of responsibility and I don't always know what to do with it. I'm hoping that by being on Drag Race and having fun and infusing my humor into the show, that other chronically ill people can see it and also see the serious things I talk about, and know that what they're going through is normal, if you're thinking that your time on earth is precious and horrifying, that's a normal feeling…. The sooner you realize [you're going through] medical PTSD, the sooner you can get help. It's been important to get these things off my chest because I can't hold them in forever.

Subscribe to EW's BINGE podcast for full recaps of RuPaul's Drag Race, including weekly season 14 interviews with the cast.

Related content: