Survivor 42 recap: You gotta protect the balls

Survivor has changed a lot over the years. The look of the show. The sound of the show. The twists on the show. It's both natural and necessary as the series evolves over time. Sometimes we may bitch about a certain wrinkle (I'm looking at you, hourglass!), and other times we may purr in delight at a delicious new addition (big dramatic slow clap for last week's evil amulet). And then there are the times we can't even agree among ourselves (some weren't fond of the goofy phrases introduced last season; I thought they were super fun).

But here is something we can all agree on. And it is a thing Survivor better never get rid of. Because if Survivor ever stops blindfolding people and putting massive objects in their way to bump and bruise into, then the reality TV rioting begins.

I know we are all rightfully going to focus on Rocksroy pretty much castrating himself on national television courtesy of running crotch-first into a giant barrier, and make no mistake, it was spectacular. I watched the thing on repeat 10 times until it formed a constant loop in my mind. But if you want to go for sheer quantity over quality, then don't sleep on my ladies Lyndsay and Maryanne, who banged into every barrel and box and bar and pole within a 10-mile radius of the challenge. It was like an entire hour of America's Funniest Home Videos wrapped into one trip back with a puzzle bag. Eat your heart out, Alfonso Ribeiro!

The best part of the entire challenge — I mean, beyond all the self-inflicted bashing and crashing — is that I don't even need to feel bad for taking such delight in the pain and punishment of others. That's because everyone already knows the score before the competition even begins. The course is clearly designed for maximum impact. The producers don't even attempt to hide their desire for contestants to hurl every body part directly into a series of large wooden objects, and the contestants know good and well that they will be lucky to conceive children by the time all is said and done. Everyone is on the same page, and that page is hilarity.

Not only must Survivor never get rid of the seasonal blindfolded challenge, they should actually start doing more of them! Carrying a heavy waterlogged snake out of a cage and over some balance beams? DO IT BLINDFOLDED! Pushing a giant boat up and through an obstacle course on the beach? TRY IT WITH NO VISION! Going to get the immunity idol from Jeff Probst after winning a competition? GOOD LUCK FINDING HIM! Hell, I'd even force these bozos to find their way back to their tribe camps blindfolded too. Who knows who will end up where. SORRY, SWATI, I GUESS YOU'RE ON TAKU NOW!

You get my point. Some things on Survivor should never change. And people risking life and limb so we can watch them bang their testicles into sharp corners is simply one of those things. Thus concludes my TED talk. Okay, let's get into the other big moments that went down during episode 2 of Survivor 42.

Getting Crabby

Leave it to the two city slickers from New York to be scared of a hermit crab. But in their defense, Jenny and Chanelle finally learned how to pick up their lunch. Of course, this led to a dilemma and eventual #SurvivorBreakdown for Hai, who had to put his vegan beliefs against his need to sustain himself with protein like fish and meat. Eventually, he finally chowed down, noting, "I think the universe will understand." That, it does. File this one under: exceptional circumstances.

Speaking of exceptional, the big event over on Vita was Mike from the Dirty Jerz telling us how hard it is to find an immunity idol… approximately three seconds before finding one. It was the Beware Advantage, where three players from three different tribes have to say a wacky phrase and then they all get idols. I'm gonna be honest: Mike's phrase was not that wacky. If you're going to have to say a zany collection of words to gain an idol, it should be something really difficult to work into a normal conversation before the challenge. This one of "There is such grace in the game of soccer, it makes me cry" was waaaaaay too easy.

Here, I'll do it for you right now. Probst starts talking about the game or life back at camp or the upcoming challenge and you just pipe up, "You know, Jeff. This is really tough. Survivor is super hard. There's no grace in Survivor. Sometimes I wish I were playing soccer instead. There is such grace in the game of soccer, it makes me cry." BOOM! DONE! Nobody would even notice.

And then at the next challenge you just go, "No soccer challenge this time, Jeff? I said it before and I'll say it again: There is such grace in the game of soccer, it makes me cry." That's a hell of a lot easier to work in than broccoli being little trees.

Anyway, as soon as Mike found the Beware Advantage, he screwed up the Beware Advantage, because he started telling anyone who would listen. First, he told Jenny. Then he told Daniel. Then he could not remember where he hid the idol, which is just fantastic on so many levels. Daniel, now having the use of two at least semi-functional shoulders, then told Chanelle… and they told two friends… and they told two friends… and so on… and so on. (Dated reference: Ask your parents.)

Daniel, who brought a terrifying yellow legal pad out to Fiji to show off all his game theory knowledge, then had an idea. And not unlike the Grinch who stole Christmas, it was a wonderfully awful idea. If Mike got his idol, that meant two other players from other tribes were also getting idols. Why would Daniel want three other players to have idols? Answer: He wouldn't!

So Daniel (who, in a shameless bid for more airtime, started giving Jeff Probst random shout-outs) wanted to make sure those idols never got activated, either by voting Mike out or convincing him to never say anything. It's the smart play. And once again shows why you NEVER, EVER, EVER tell anyone about an idol or advantage. Don't believe me? Well, then let's go see what's happening over on the Ika beach, shall we?

Loose Lips Sink Ships

I don't understand anything that is going on over at Ika. In our exit interview, Zach confirmed that there truly was originally a young person's alliance, but then Swati and Tori turned on him pretty much immediately after the challenge. Rocksroy, Romeo, and Drea had formed an older folks alliance, but then Drea wanted Rocksroy out. It's anarchy over there!!!

That confusion continued this week when Drea decided to form an all-female alliance with Swati and Tori. They immediately agreed. And then for absolutely no reason whatsoever, Drea told them about her extra vote. I don't know why she did this other than to infuriate me. Seriously, it feels a bit like a personal attack. It's as if she is going out of her way to mock the fact that even though I have been screaming for years about how dumb players are for telling others about their idols and advantages, NOBODY LISTENS TO ME!

The neighbors must think I am a lunatic who repeatedly yells at his wife and children, but I'm not. I'm yelling at the damn TV! And I'm yelling at the TV because of moves like that by Mike and Drea. Naturally, Swati reacted to Drea's news by immediately wanting her out for having too much power in the game. Because of course she did. And Drea has nobody to blame but herself.

Brodown Throwdown

Omar and Jonathan do not comprise the oddest bromance we've seen on Survivor. Either Richard and Rudy or Caleb and Tai hold that honor, but it's always nice when opposites attract in the game of Survivor. Acting as a meat shield and brain shield for each other, and bonded through their mutual religious devotion (albeit to different religions), Omar and Jonathan formed a strong bond.

"Together we make, like, the perfect human." Well, let's not get crazy here. But it is fun to watch. Can they make a Stephen and J.T. run all the way to the finals? Not if #SevereGastrointestinalDistress, opponent challenge targets, or a circus music soundtrack gets in the way.

This is usually the point in the recap where I would start inserting lots of classic Fishbach moments form yesteryear for really no reason other than my own personal amusement, but I'm happy to say I have finally matured and don't feel the need to dig up old clips that…. Oh, what the hell! Let's watch Fishy hit the wrong teams' target, just for old time's sake.

There. Glad to say that is finally out of the system. Now, about the Taku tribe…. Actually, I'm sorry. Just… just one more. For your perusal, a compare and contrast between Andrew Savage and Stephen Fishbach when it comes to matters of wood.

All of that was pretty unnecessary, of course. But if I'm being completely honest, the dude got off easy. I have clips of that time Fishbach's winning tribe wouldn't allow him to touch the idol as well as him airballing on the ring toss all cued up and ready to rock, but I am actually showing a measure of restraint. Besides, say you want about Fishbach, but I'm pretty sure the dude actually peed standing up before he turned 22. Also, he is a comedic genius, and if you don't believe me, check out his work below on this classic episode of Survivor Talk. (Worth your time.)

Anyway, Omar and Jonathan are cute together. Of course, I never in a million years would have forgiven either of them if they had voted my girl Maryanne out, but they at least momentarily kept their names off my s--- list by sparing her. But speaking of Maryanne…

Survivor Sex Symbol

Raise your hand if you had Zach Murtenberger on your Survivor scorecard as the contestant most likely to be shouted out multiple times as the dreamiest of the dreamy. Since I reside in roughly the same weight class as Zach, allow me to say we scrawny weaklings are usually not the ones getting the twice over, yet Maryanne was positively crestfallen to learn that her wannabe showmance crush had been eliminated. "Zach is every type of white guy that I have a crush on, so there goes that," she told Probst.

While the entire concept of Zachanne is fun to imagine, it was also a super bummer to hear the most ebullient and charismatic contestant this side of Christian Hubicki say, "I have a 100 percent rejection rate with all the guys I've liked." To all those guys doing the rejecting, I say: Have you no decency, sirs?

As if that wasn't enough to have to endure, it was then positively heartbreaking to hear the shining light of positivity proclaim later at Tribal Council that "Being 23 and always single, maybe there something's wrong with me because nobody romantically likes you." Allow me to state this clearly and plainly for the record: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, MARYANNE! YOU ARE PERFECT IN EACH AND EVERY WAY! Perhaps men find you too intimidating in your perfection, knowing they could never measure up. And don't you dare go get voted out so you can head to Ponderosa and see if Zach is truly the one. You will stay on my TV screen as long as possible, dammit! But man, was this week a close call.

Too Much or Not Enough?

After Taku lost the immunity challenge, it became clear the tribe was going to oust Marya or Maryanne. One was seen as perhaps being a little too low energy and the other was seen as too much energy. As in, Energizer Bunny energy. As in, no off switch energy. As in, I haven't eaten or slept in five days and I really need a break and could you keep it down over there energy. To which I say, SUCK IT UP, PEOPLE! You will not silence Maryanne!

Can I sympathize with Marya, who seemed to speak for the tribe when she noted that "I don't know if I can do that for 26 days"? Maybe a little. Was it awkward when Maryanne's tribemates totally busted her while looking for an idol? A tad. But jeez Louise apple cheese, this is a grown adult who says things like "Fudge!" and "Swizzle sticks!" when things don't go her way. How can you hate on that?

While Maryanne appeared to be in pretty big trouble, things turned around for her at Tribal Council. For one thing, she got an extra vote for risking it after her premiere hike up and down the mountain. Then Marya got NOT SAFE while playing her Shot in the Dark. And finally, the unanimous vote finally came down on Marya. By the way, kind of interesting that while only one person (Sydney) played the Shot in season 41, the first two weeks of season 42 have already featured two people (rightly, if unsuccessfully) playing theirs.

So we say goodbye to Marya instead. Which brings up a practical question: Did the tribe give her a heads up she was getting the votes so she could at least bury her necklace with her dead brother's face on it? Normally you would never tell someone they were the target, and for obvious reasons. But after hearing that story about how she lost her brother and coming out there to play as closure and planning to bury the necklace there… I mean, don't you kinda have to give her a little wink or nod or something. At least like, "Hey, I don't know where the votes are going tonight because nobody tells me anything, but burying the necklace before we head to Tribal might not be the worst idea?" I plan to get answers from Marya about this when we chat Thursday morning.

Oh, and last thing. Am I the only one that still misses Probst's words of wisdom that used to end every episode? He ditched them during season 38 when the episode would instead end with someone deciding whether or not to go to the Edge of Extinction, and then he just kinda permanently retired them. On one hand, I get it. After 37 seasons, he had probably run out of sage-like advice to give after every vote-off. But the episodes just feel like they end somewhat anti-climactically without them. They just do! Am I alone on this?

Okay, when I am talking about words of wisdom, it's clearly time to get the hell out of here. But just a reminder that we will have an exclusive deleted scene added to the top of this here recap on Thursday morning. Also make sure to check out my exit interview with Marya, where she reveals what happened when she told Zach about Maryanne's crush on him! And you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss and Instagram @thedaltonross for more Survivor shenanigans. I will now leave you in solitude to deeply consider the meaning behind Mike's apparent hatred of soccer, and I'll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy.

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